Approximate reading time: 3min

I don’t really know how to process what I am feeling right now.
I’m feeling angry, I’m feeling heartbroken, I’m feeling like an anxious fucking wreck.
After 5 weeks of looking for a 3-bed house with a HMO license for three people….my flatmates and I eventually decided that we needed to start looking separately.

What was supposed to be an exciting time of us looking for a new home together has pretty much disintegrated into a pile of shit. We have, during that time, managed to find 4 different houses (All with HMO’s) that we were happy with. All of our offers fell through for various reasons.

(My love of estate agents is pretty much non-existent at this point in time)

I am just utterly exhausted.

I don’t have any more patience for looking at horribly cluttered shared communal houses.

Houses that look amazing in photos and like a dog’s breakfast in real life.

Hard Truth #1 : I am not a student any more…..there isn’t an inch of me that can suck up a dirty messy kitchen or cluttered, mouldy bathroom.

A large proportion of the rooms advertised on Spareroom.com have a preferred tenant age of about 35/40 years old.

Hard Truth #2: A very visceral reminder that I am not even a young adult any more.

I found a beautiful room in St Johns Wood this week.

The landlady loved me but then emailed to say her 30-something tenants said they would prefer someone younger.

(Ageism is alive and well people)

Hard Truth #3: I am a 49-year-old woman who still can’t afford to live on her own. Of course, I am not blind to the fact that if I just got a full time teaching job I probably would be able to afford my own place.

But frankly I would rather be homeless than have to work in one school for the rest of my life EVER again.

So I am the creator of my own destiny really.

(In that case I really should stop moaning this instant!)

I have so much stuff that I have slowly started to buy and collect over the last 6 years….

(My way of trying to settle, put down some roots and create a home.)

In two weeks I need to be out of this place and I have no idea what to do with any of it?

Do I sell it?

Do I put it in storage?

My life at the moment is one big

Do I find a short let or do I move into an air BnB?

I don’t know ….
I don’t know ….

I’m not really sure what the point of any of this is really.

I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out what my LIFE lesson in all of this is …..

I think I figured it out.

I so desperately hoped we would find a place together. I have had the happiest couple of years living with my flatmates…I just wanted it to continue.

It has been an incredibly hard lesson to learn….

Sometimes things don’t work out like you hope.
Sometimes all you can do is let go of the dream.

There is a mature, wiser part of me that knows that somewhere down the line the bigger picture will emerge.

When one door closes another one opens…..

Unfortunately, at this moment in time, the picture is just one big foggy mess.

PS Dam I should have just posted another poem ;-/