Approximate reading time: 13 min

Disclosure: Things have not been great these last couple of weeks….but that’s for another loooong post currently under construction.

To top it all off this week, I have been sick….not quite sick enough to miss school….mind you. Just run down, tired and emotional with a horrible sore throat.

(Which could quite possibly be from all the CRAP I have been devouring!)

I also have the 2 week Christmas holiday coming up so the pressure to NOT miss any paydays looms over me.

The RoseMan

The dating app that I am currently using has a special section of men that you can send ONE cyber-rose to each week.

(Apparently, these are the men that the app deems you MOST compatible with.)

As luck would have it, the majority of these men locked away in the “RoseVault” look remarkably ‘normal’ –

(Dare I say good looking)

as opposed to the general population of online profiles that are in the ‘everyday dating section’.

Most of the RoseMen look something along the lines of this ….

If you are thinking what I was thinking, you would be correct!!

RoseMan above was indeed a fake!

I have started screenshotting all the photos of RoseMen before I send them a message, just so I can google search their images first.

Low and behold I found THIS RoseMan’s photo on i-stock!

(My investigating skills are TOP-notch, I tell you!)

I reported the SHAMELESS FRAUDSTER and all I got was a stupid apology letter from the app.

(Why they couldn’t send me a couple of free roses is beyond me – I am essentially doing their job for them!)

So yes, it appears that all the men I would love to match with are RoseMen who are locked away in the RoseVault that is only opened to me once a week.

(The inner frustration!)

You can, of course, buy more roses.

(at £3 a pop)

But I absolutely refuse…based purely on the fact that in the two and a half months of my being on this dating app I have yet to receive a single response back from any of the illusive RoseMen.

I will admit I was beginning to think that maybe they were all fake profiles aimed at pulling in gullible women

(Not like myself)

who are willing to pay £3 to send a non-existent cyber rose to a non-existent match.

And then it happened…..

I got a response back!!!!

On Sunday I sent my weekly rose to a guy named Matt.

Matt was lovely, he had two small children a beautiful smile and an engaging profile. He said that he was looking for someone who hopefully had a cheeky side

(Like,

OMG

that’s me!!!!)

So, as usual, I racked my brains trying to figure out what I could say as my opening line …..because I REALLY wanted this one to respond back.

Halleluiah I got a response!

(Proof the RoseMen are not ALL fakes.)

Oh shit!

My heart sank.

(Was I sensing a wee bit of hostility here?)

Could “Matt-who-loves-cheekiness” be taking offence to what I had said?

Was I a “floozy-online-dating-hustler” not worthy of being trusted?

(Surely not.

No grown-arsed man could be that sensitive and overreactive could they?)

What to do.

What to do.

After a little contemplation, I decided I had two choices…I could backtrack and try to convince this random stranger that I was a sincere, good person who was totally on this app for the right reasons.

(Which I am)

Or I could choose to not fall down the rabbit hole of justifying, explaining and trying to convince someone who I have never met that I was actually rather loveable.

AKA

I could just continue being myself

(inappropriate humour and all)

I decided to go with the latter because frankly, these days;

“It’s my thing!”

So, I responded back with.

Matt didn’t think so and I got deleted.

I found it interesting that “Matt-Who-loves-cheekiness-but-clearly-doesnt-have-a-sense-of-humour” wasn’t even willing to give me the benefit of the doubt. He knew ABSOLUTELY nothing about me and yet deemed me not even worthy of even getting to know.

How sad is it that we live in a world where people are so jaded and mistrusting of others?

I will admit, as rational as my thoughts around this were, the rejection still stung.

Online dating is just so emotionally exhausting at times.

I hate rejection.

(I really do.)

I realised this week that I have been living under a MASSIVE misconception.

I have always thought that if I was more authentic, truer to myself and more honest about who I am with others, then people would accept me more.

While there is an element of truth to all of that,

(especially when it comes to healthy, balanced people you WANT to have in your life)

this is definitely NOT the whole truth.

The flip side of the coin is the absolute opposite.

Getting emotionally healthy, and finding yourself

(and your voice)

doesnt provide you with a “Get-out-free” card when it comes to rejection.

Infact, I am almost certain that it amplifies it….there are just too many people in this world who would like you to be the version of you that they need. And if you don’t show up willing and able to be that for them, then they will simply cut you out.

SNIP, SNAP and you are GONE!

It’s a hard, sometimes lonely truth, that I have been learning over and over again for the last 10 years.

The good news is I DO realise that these are NOT the type of people that I want or need in my life.

And maybe it’s better that I am being rejected earlier rather than later these days.

But fuck it, rejection still suxs!!!

I climb onto the bus on Monday night, exhausted, cold and downright rejected and miserable. As I walked to the back of the bus I saw a young woman (20ish) sitting with her feet up on the chair.

(Not all the way up mind you….but the tops of her shoes were touching the fabric part of the chair)

My internal frustration was manic!

What’s wrong with people?

Why would you put your wet, muddy feet on a place where other people need to sit!!!

Of course, I didn’t say anything.

I am not in the habit of picking fights with strangers these days….it is my learned experience that most of the time it rarely makes a difference. Years ago, I saw a mother hit her child on the head with a hairbrush in a shopping centre. I was so shocked that I did actually ask her to please not hit her child like that ….I will never forget the look of absolute disgust this woman gave me which roughly translated into

“Who the fuck are you bitch”

and then she turned around and started to hit her child repeatedly.

It was a sobering lesson for me.

Of course, I am not saying we should ‘do nothing in the world’ – but finding a way to diffuse difficult situations in a calmer, less judgmental manner is always way more effective.

I mean I could have asked BusGirl really nicely to please take her feet off the chairs….but there was nothing calm and rational about me on Monday night, so when I’m like that…

I keep my mouth shut.

At the next stop an old Indian man climbed onto the bus.

As soon as he saw BusGirl he was livid and told her to take her feet off the seat.

“Didn’t your mother teach you any manners”

He snapped at her.

The “BusGirl” shot back at him:

“Could you just leave me alone please – I have had a rough day”

“Ha- Typical“

I thought!

“Entitled and RUDE!!!“

The old man was looking at me as if he wanted some sort of support, some sort of acknowledgement that he was right. He had the manic, lost eyes of someone who clearly had some mental health issues….so I wasn’t about to engage with him on this matter.

BUT it needs to be said that, internally, I was hi-fiving him!

“You tell her!!! I bet she will think twice before she puts her feet up again! “

We travelled about 2 stops and the old man got off. I noticed the little old lady next to me lean over to talk to the girl on the other side of her. I looked across and saw to my absolute horror that BusGirl l was sobbing.

OH MY GOD the shame!!!

I had been a mental facilitator in her anguish!

I moved seats to sit closer to her just to help her calm down a little.

(She was completely dysregulated)

The old lady, bless her was doing her best but she kept saying things like

“You mustn’t get upset dear!

Don’t let people like that get to you…there is nothing to be upset about!”

As a hypersensitive person who also struggles with criticism, and who also gets dysregulated quite easily, these types of comments are the absolute WORST thing that you can say.

We know we shouldn’t be getting upset about some idiot on the bus.

We know it’s ridiculous that we are crying over something so trivial.

But absolutely NONE of that ‘reason and logic’ helps us when we are overwhelmed by our emotions.

I very gently tried to explain this to the old lady and just encouraged BusGirl to breathe.

As she was trying to catch her breath she blurted out:

“I have just had such a horrible day,

I didn’t need that today.

And then I phoned my mother because I was upset

and I needed some support and she started having a go at me too.”

My heart broke for her….. honestly, I just wanted to give her the biggest hug.

When I see a person getting dysregulated, I see an inner child who never got what they needed growing up. Adults who grow up feeling validated, seen and heard…learn how to regulate and calm themselves with the support of a healthy, attuned adult.

It made me think of a book I read years ago called “The Narcissistic Family Model“. The authors of this book Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert Pressman, highlighted a phenomenon witnessed in their therapeutic practices; a subset of clients presenting with the symptoms of adults who had grown up in alcoholic families. Clients who presented with the behaviours, thought patterns and character dynamics of having experienced trauma but appeared to have none. The book highlights the dysfunctional behaviours seen in families where the parental system, for whatever reason, is primarily about getting the parent’s needs met rather than the child’s and the disabling emotional impact that this relational trauma can have on a child’s development.

In one of the chapters, they tell a story about how growing up in a narcissistic family is like having a poisonous well in your garden.

Sometimes it takes you years to figure out that the water you have been drinking to nourish yourself is actually what has been making you sick. You promise yourself that you won’t go back anymore…but something inside you just can’t help yourself.

You are thirsty, you are just so desperate to feel satiated.

You decide in your infinite wisdom that maybe if you buy a new bucket for the well…..then perhaps the water won’t make you sick anymore.

You still get sick.

You vow yet again to stay away.

You remind yourself that the well can’t give you what you need.

But after a while that desperate thirst starts again….and you find yourself thinking …what if I use a cup this time to get some water…surely it will be ok to drink then?

Alas, once again you are sick.

This little story has stayed with me for years.

It has been a constant reminder of how hard it is to break that pattern of running to the wrong types of people when we need emotional support. First, it might be our parents, but then as we get older we continue to hook into people who are so similar to our parents….

because they feel familiar,

they feel like home.

For a brief second as I listened to poor BusGirl sobbing……I felt engulfed with gratitude that this was one lesson that I feel like I have successfully learnt.

BusGirl eventually calmed herself down and she got off the bus….

It had been a very sweet moment to witness half a bus full of random strangers

all turning around to try and support her.

It reminded me how kind people and caring people can be.

PS HUMBLING LESSON LEARNT:

Don’t be so quick to judge others!!!