Approximate reading time: 8 min
I am incredibly happy to report that I have found 3 single women for my master’s study. I can’t even begin to describe how relieved I am.
Apparently, I’m not the ONLY almost-50-singleton in the world;-)
So this week has been pretty chilled and happy, despite the fact that my phone and wallet were both pickpocketed about 3 hours ago in Queensway.
I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to allow the thieving degenerates of the world to RUIN my good week. 😉
Today I spent a lovely day with one of my few friends, who actually lives in London.
(I am prone to collecting friends on the other side of the world)
I met Binnet almost two years ago at the dentist, of all places. It was right about the time I was re-emerging back into the world after my much-needed self-imposed hiatus. We instantly clicked, and I just knew then and there that we HAD to be friends.
So, I asked her for her phone number and the rest is history….
I am not sure if Binnet realises what an important part she played in my healing process. As a highly sensitive person with an anxious-avoidant attachment, I have often found managing friendships quite difficult. More often than not, it was my own unexpressed expectations that were my biggest downfall. It has taken me a long time to realise what exactly I value and need in friendships, and it has taken me an even longer time to learn to ask for it.
These days, whenever I meet a new friend, I make sure to state very clearly, upfront, what it is that I desire in relationships.
Consistency,
mutual reciprocity
and the freedom to disagree.
It’s always a little scary making your needs known, especially when you have spent most of your life denying that you even have them. Binnet was the first new friend I had, where I was able to practice this skill. I distinctly remember outlining and clarifying my needs and feeling ever so slightly paranoid that I might have scared her off.
The fact that she wasnt in the least bit phased was a seismic turning point for me.
It was an invaluable lesson that I could show up with needs and expectations
and still be accepted.
These days, friendships don’t feel nearly as draining as they used to be.
A funny thing happens when you start asking for what you need in life.
You begin to realise how people will either be willing to give it to you, or they won’t.
It truly is THAT simple.
Rather than fixating on people who can’t give me what I need,
I have learnt to let go and clear the space for people who can.
Binnet has been one of those.
100 times over.
In two weeks, Binnet will be relocating back to America.
I just wanted her to know how amazing she is.
PS Binnet, I wrote you a poem, but the London hoodlum who stole my phone has it now…..
The bastard!;-)
Written the 9th May 2022
four days
I’ve been dog sitting, lovely Bob
For four lazy days
Which has pretty much passed
In a zombie like haze
I enjoyed the doggie love
He was so super sweet
But other than that
It’s been a waste of a week
I finally stopped my antidepressants
(Once and for all)
I’ve been weaning off slowly
I didn’t want the withdrawals
But I’m struggling at this moment
To figure out why
I thought now was the right time
To axe my supply
But it’s my own fault, honestly
I slipped out of my routine
I haven’t meditated in days
(Which is my emotional caffeine)
Plus, I haven’t done any yoga
(I’ve been as lazy as shit!)
And that pretty much sums up
The just of it…
Except then I ordered a dozen
Delicious Crispy Cremes
(P.S. Did I mention the surplus
Of manic, crazy dreams)
And yes, I ate every doughnut
(every single crumb)
Like some manic sugar monster
Until they were all done
It’s shocking, I tell you
But wait yes, there’s more
(I know, I know
I’ve been here before!)
I then got suctioned down
With inconceivable force
A YouTube rabbit hole
That impelled me off course
Like a hypnotic drug
Almost impossible to side-step
This bottomless chasm…
Amber Heard vs Johnny Depp.
I was glued to the court case
For hours at a time….
Trying my best to figure out
Which one of them is lying
Because let’s face it, neither
Of them look particularly great
How do people live daily
With so much accumulated hate
And YES I know, I know
How I always do this
It’s like I have this insatiable desire
This excessive thirst
To identify toxic people
To see it first-hand
To answer all my questions
To genuinely understand
What are the red flags
What are the signs
How do people allow themselves
To be so horribly maligned
How toxic and hurtful
Narcissistic abuse can be
How it’s often so hidden
Not visibly seen
The verbal attacks
The insidious lies
How they will make up shit
Right in front of your eyes….
How they take all their flaws
And spin them to remake
You, as the perpetrator
Of all their mistakes
How they have “that face”
Put on for show
That charming, engaging
Oh, so wonderful person you know….
But behind closed doors
The people close to them get to see
The reality of how toxic
They really can be
Good Lord, that was an exhausting
4-day mental trip
I really do clog my life up
With useless utter shit!
Finally back in my garden
I’m once again able to breathe
It’s almost laughable how easily
I get away from me
And I’m proud at least
That there weren’t any tears,
That I was a “conscious slob”
And so much more aware
I might have fallen off the wagon
Once more, yet again,
But thank goodness that’s not
Where my story will end….
I felt present with
But not overly identified to
That hazy feeling of disconnection
That insipid feeling of blue
As I listened to the voices
That so often crowd out my head
But this time I was more able
To focus instead
To the loving, gentle voice
Calmly reassuring me
“You know this will pass
Just let it be
By now, you know
Beyond a shadow of a doubt
When your inner child chooses
To silently act out
You also know the one thing
You can count on, with certainty
Is that change is dependable
Just a part of normality
You go up, you go down
You get stuck in the middle
But you’re getting stronger each day
Little by little”