Approximately a 15 minute read
3. Learn to just have fun, nothing is personal.
Random guy story #3
So the following weekend, after my slight disappointment with Aakesh, I head off to another Meetup group. It was about 10 pm and I was being stalked by a drunk puppy dog. (I kid you not). At no point did this man ever actually come up to speak to me, instead he was literally pouncing on me from all angles while I was chatting to different people. (Sometimes being sober as a judge has its downside – like having little patience for idiots!🤬)
In an attempt to find some protection (ie let him see me actually talking to another man) I approached a guy that had been standing at the door, for well over an hour texting on his phone. (Maybe he was hoping people would think he was a doorman? But he wasn’t fooling me) Our conversation went something like this
Me: You do realise that this is actually a meetup and you are supposed to be chatting to people, not on your phone?
Matt: Heh? (looking at me in disbelief)
Me: You are never going to meet anyone just staring at your phone. You are supposed to be going up to people and chatting to them.
Matt: Oh, am I now?
Me: Yes you are. OK look I’m going to help you. I’m going to go stand over there and you can come practice your chat up skills on me. OK? (I don’t wait for a reply, walk a few feet away and look at him. He looks at me blankly and then continues on phone.) Me: Nooooo dammit all…. You just failed!!! FAILED!!! You were supposed to come and chat to me. I’m going to give you another chance.
I walk away again and smile sweetly at him. He grins, puts his phone away and walks over to me and says. “Hi I’m Matt, do you come here often?” We both start laughing and the banter begins. About 5 minutes into the conversation I suddenly realise, damn this man is quite sexy. He is tall, well built, wears glasses with a beautiful smile that just lights up his face. He reminds me of Theo Huxtable from the Cosby show. (I grew up on watching that show DAILY… Such fond memories- until they were brutally annihilated by Bill Cosby😳).
But it doesn’t end there…he has a creative job that he loves, does stand up comedy (just for fun), he is easy to talk to, gets my sense of humour….and oh my God he smells amazing! (I am a sucker for good smelling men!) After about an hour of chatting, (Ummm and a little kissing🤫- it’s been so long I thought I might just make sure I hadn’t forgotten) we head off to the dance floor. I’m not going to lie… it didn’t go well. How best to explain… (I might need a visual for this) A few weeks ago a friend sent me this video below. She said it reminded her of me dancing. It’s indeed very appropriate. (Some might say I too am a terrible dancer! But fuck I have fun.🤗)
Now imagine, for a minute, dancing like this, while someone is trying to hold your hands ……the entire time. (Aaaaaaaaarg my silent inner scream…. I can’t breathe without flapping my arms!!) After 5 minutes of this, I suggested to Matt that we leave the dance floor. (no use flogging a dead horse, might as well focus on what we are good at – uhm talking😂). Imagine my surprise when he leads me off the dance floor towards the front door.
Me: Where’re we going?
Mark: We’re leaving. I thought you said you wanted to leave…
Me: … leave the dance floor?
(OK easy enough mistake to make)
Unfortunately, once we did sit down he continued to make further attempts to get me to leave with him and all of a sudden got quite “Handsy “.
After a couple more minutes, I realised that we were no longer going down a road that I was interested in. He was a cool guy but I am definitely not looking for a random hookup. I realised as well that he had been drinking so maybe the line might be a little blurred for him. Time to call it a night.
So I give him a huge hug and kiss (and had one last sniff for the road). I tell him that it has been amazing meeting him, that I have had so much fun…but I need to go home. Again, I’m intrigued to see if he will ask me for my number. (I mean let’s face it, I have pretty much done all of the initiating up until this point)
My sulky reply was: “really?” (and a face that looked something like this.)
“Dude, you do realise I am a 43 (almost 44!!!) year old woman- who also happens to be a nursery school teacher? That face definitely doesn’t work on me anymore! Seriously, I can never understand why grown arse men (Or woman for that matter) pull babyfaces? Such a turn off! Do they really think they look cute? (oops sorry random rant!)
It was interesting that I sensed he was actually a bit annoyed at me. ‘Old me’ would have probably made an excuse as to why I was leaving…. ‘Old drunk me’ … probably WOULDN’T even have left and she would have then been easily persuaded to continue the party elsewhere. (The lines are so blurred when you are drunk and they are so clear when you are sober….who would have thought?) What was even more interesting was I didn’t even really care that he seemed mildly irritated. I certainly didn’t feel the need to apologise or explain my reason for wanting to go. In the past, I would probably have taken his irritation personally, found myself getting defensive, feeling a little bit hurt even. But thank God, I finally get how it couldn’t possibly be personal. Matt doesn’t even know the first thing about me. He doesn’t know anything about my journey. He most certainly doesn’t know how much I have to offer. His reaction to me leaving had absolutely no bearing whatsoever on my sense of value or on how much I enjoyed my night. I came out to have fun, laugh and meet new people, and I had done exactly that. I was more than clear that I had an awesome night with him…if he chose to ignore that, then that was his issue. As I stood up to leave he rather grumpily said: “Call me” (Was he attempting to send me his number telepathically? Fuck I think I missed it! I smiled and reminded him that I don’t call men. We had had a conversation about this exact topic about an hour earlier, where I explained my desire to find a man brave enough to make that initial first move. Incidentally, his response was that he never calls a woman first. He always expects the woman call to him. Great, well then we have a stalemate because this woman will do no such thing. As I glanced back to wave goodbye from the door a couple of seconds later, he was back on his phone. (I think he might have been over me already😂)
Walking home that night I couldn’t stop smiling (again) and I had such an influx of gratitude. I was grateful that dating and meeting men no longer feels like a fulltime job and that I was actually just having fun with it. (Without the continual disappointment). I was grateful to the universe for sending me such engaging and interesting men these last couple of weeks and for all the lessons I was learning from them. I was also grateful, that finally, I was beginning to understand that the key to living a happy life has nothing to do with ‘finding’ myself and everything to do with ‘creating‘ myself – one step at a time. Deciding who I want to be and then starting to live it! (No matter how shit scary it may be at times) It may have taken me 43 years 364 days but I honestly don’t feel haunted by that exasperating internal question anymore: How do you know when you really and truly love yourself?
- When you feel like you are worthy of having an amazing, incredible life.
- When you can’t bear to spend another minute of your life living in a sense of lack because there is so much you have to be grateful for.
- When you get that the only thing you ever really have any control over is how you feel and you continually choose to focus on things that make you feel good. On those days that you feel disconnected, isolated and anxious you are able to cut yourself some slack, breathe and remind yourself that this too will pass. (Nothing is ever permanent.)
- Setting boundaries and having high standards becomes your new default setting. When you let them slip your strongest indicator is always going to be how you are feeling. You start listening to your emotions rather than being a victim to them.
My short answer: When the time comes, you will just know.🤗 The question dissipates and you no longer feel like you are waiting for your life to start.
So these have been a few of my experiences over the last 8 weeks. I am still a long way away from claiming “unfuckwithable” status. 😉 I still have triggers that cause me crazy anxiety and I will admit that, at times, I still medicate them with copious amounts of coffee and emotional eating. But I am working on it!👍 I have often spoken about Brene Brown and what a huge impact her work has had on my life. This week a friend sent me this article of hers, What Being Sober Has Meant to Me which was pretty amazing to read. (I had absolutely no idea that my superhero actually didn’t drink alcohol either.) I related so much to what she said in it about trying to live an authentic, honest life rather than trying to outrun, outsmart, and numb vulnerability. I think I am slowly heading in that direction. It feels pretty great to finally able to say (on this the eve of my 44th birthday):
I am enough, and I love myself….just as I am.
To all my friends and family that have supported and encouraged me on this journey. Thank you.😍 Writing about my experiences is what helps me feel whole. Posting them is what keeps me brave. If anyone has their own dating experiences to share I would love to hear them. There is such amazing power in learning to share our stories.
