Approximate reading time: 6 minutes
Written: 30th October 2021
This week has been
An interesting week
I made some tough decisions
Definitely feeling less bleak
Isn’t it ironic how I wrote
That poem a while back…
About how my money problems
Are all magically on track
And then BOOM!
The arrival of this disastrous cold
Unable to work
And now low and behold….
All of a sudden I’m chasing
Parents again to pay
For their children’s online lessons
(This is so not OK!)
And then last weekend
I had this “AHA” ephinany
I really shouldn’t be chasing
Anyone you see
Because if they value my work
If they value what I do
They’d quite simply make the payment
The payment that is due
So, I stopped
I didn’t send
The link for the lesson
I didn’t send a warning text message
To say this would happen
Because in the past I always worried
What would the parents think?
And this time
Miraculously
I didn’t feel a damn thing
Although losing them will cost
£360 a month
But in my heart
I just knew
It had to be done
Because I know
And I’ve known
For too long of a time
That I’m doing too much
Pretending everything is fine
So, I’ve been sick
My body just trying to say
“NO….
This is no longer the route
I want you to go
I’m so tired and exhausted
Something needs to give…
Because you know this isn’t really
The healthiest way to live”
So, I decided to finally
Shut up and listen
To what my body’s been saying
From the beginning
As much as I do
Love to online teach
I need to open up space
To relax and breathe
To have the faith, yet again
That the path that I’m on
Will unfold organically
As I move along
Interestingly what I am finding
Out about myself these days
I’m less worried about others
And them being OK
In the past saying good bye
To kids that I taught
Left me feeling worried
Frazzled and fraught
Would they feel abandoned?
Would they feel I didn’t care
It’s incredible how those feelings
Are no longer there
As I understand more
All that was going on
I was projecting my own feelings
Of not feeling like I belong
The hurt and the pain
That I continually felt
Sometimes life feels like
A never-ending conveyer belt
With people getting on
And off randomly
And every time they left
It was all about me
I then simply reflected
These fears onto the kids
Would they too think it was something
Something that they did?
But I am grateful for the growth
That part of me has healed
I feel stronger in myself
So much has been revealed
I’m a good friend
I have value
I finally feel enough
It’s ok if people choose
To walk out of my life
It’s not a reflection
On me or my own worth
So many other new friends
To make on this earth…
It loops back to knowing
These kids will be fine
And that I need to look after
My own needs this time
And lastly this morning
I sat in the garden to meditate
I thought about something
That makes me feel pretty great….
I don’t wake up with the weight
Of the world on top of me
Like I am wading through a ton
Of negative emotional debris
I still have the crazy dreams
But they don’t register that much…
I feel like my body
Is starting to be more in touch
With the world and what
Is going on around me
More connected
More centred
More able to just breathe
It’s like there is this slowing down
In almost everything that I do
From how fast I walk
To how I cook my food
Just a desire to be more present
Each and every day
Gratitude that I’m finding
The words I need to say