Approximate reading time: 8 min
Written 30th May 2022
You know when you feel
Life is happy and just fine
Then you’re knocked for a six
Every fucking time
I feel like I’m going crazy
Everything’s scrambled in my head
I’m crying all the time
Struggling to get out of bed
Should I have stopped my antidepressants
(I really don’t know)
I can’t remember the last time
I felt so emotionally low
So many changes are happening
I wish they would STOP
Is my body now signalling
The closing up of shop
That word perimenopause
Swims around my head
Flooding my heart
With absolute dread
How can this be happening
I haven’t even given life….
“I’m not ready
Make it stop
I’m still waiting to be a wife’
Another birthday approaches
47 in a week
(I can’t focus on any positives
The world just looks bleak)
Overwhelmed by deep longing
There is so much I have missed….
Was my life really destined
To turn out like this
And as usual, I scramble
Frantically through my brain
Is there another reason I’m feeling
Ever so slightly insane
Was I triggered by something
That lead to this offset
I’ve had the loveliest of weekends
No reason for upset
On Saturday, I saw Michelle
(We’ve been friends since we were 8)
I absolutely adore her
I honestly couldn’t wait….
She was at Heathrow for the day
Waiting for a connecting flight
When I saw her, we hugged
(So incredibly tight)
Her mum was with her
We chatted for so long
About our lives and everything
That has been going on
I adore her mother
(Especially as a kid)
She was so full of fun
Wackiness off the grid
I think in a small way
I made up my mind
When I grow up, I’m going to be
Going to be “that kind”
That kind of adult
Children naturally gravitate to
That person who kids
Would WANT to choose
I idolised my friend’s relationship
With her mum
I’d be in awe watching them
They always had so much fun
They seemed to personify
The perfect mother-daughter bond
If only as a child
I had a magic wand
I’d have changed places in an instant
I so desperately wanted that
A loving, fun relationship
Without the continual combat
But as my friend and I’ve grown
Closer, these later years
I’ve become cognizant about how
We all hide our own fears
Because I never knew or understood
The trauma she went through
Losing her dad when she was young
(Well, of course I knew…
That he died when she was 10)
But I was too young to conceptualise
The horror of him dying
Right before her eyes
How she hid her own anxiety
For so many years
She pinned on a happy face
To cover all her fears
And I never understood
The panic that children can go through
“If I’ve lost one parent
Perhaps I could lose two?”
The powerlessness
The dread
Worrying continuously
Which can darken your childhood
So pervasively
And as we’ve shared
As we’ve begun
To slowly understand
Each other’s experiences
Fully first-hand…
A deeper, more beautiful
Friendship has evolved
I trust that girl
With the entire depth of my soul
So, it was the most beautiful of days
Brimming with love
Such an amazing reminder
What life should be full of…
People who love you
Who can quietly hold the space
For emotions to be shared
To be listened to
And embraced
And as I travelled home from the airport
I was floating on cloud nine
With happiness and hope
So beautifully entwined
I was conscious of how anchored
I was in Ventral Vagal state
Calm, connected, social
Just feeling so great
And I found myself thinking
“Go to a meetup tonight
You are so happy when you connect
Everything feels bright”
I mean it’s been ages, it’s been yonks
Since Roxy has appeared
That bubbly inner child
Who has NO social fears
That vibrant, energetic
Gregarious part
Who loves nothing more than mingling
Opening up her heart
But that feeling
That happiness
Was just too precious to share
I didn’t trust myself not to get
Triggered out there
So, I spent time in my garden
I was able to infer
That I could simply be happy
In that moment with her
Practising being content
Grateful for what I had
Rather than reaching out with expectation
For more happiness to be had
So it was the loveliest
Happiest day in a long while
And then I woke up this morning
To this manic crying child
Whom I thought I had healed
Hadn’t her tears dried up?
Apparently not
(Isn’t that just my luck)
So, I Google support groups
For women without kids
I found a lovely one
Which charged 20 bloody quid….
I felt a little irritated
I felt slightly enraged
I’m single
I have no kids
And NOW I get to PAY….
For this privilege
£20 a month to connect
Hell fucking NO
My inner critic seethed unchecked
And I miss my mother
I miss her touch
I wish I could call her
Tell her how much she was loved
I wish I could apologise
I wish I could tell her I understand
I wish I could give her a hug
Or quietly hold her hand
And as everything bubbles
As everything churns
I did the only thing that EVER
Helps me to discern
I picked up my phone
Curled up in bed
I got all the frustration
Out of my head
As I knitted all my feelings
Together in this poem
(About nothing substantial
Other than ever-decreasing ovum)
I slept for ages
I had a lovely bath
Which left me feeling a little less
Like a raging psychopath
I listened to my audiobook
“Healing developmental trauma”
It lifted some of the despair….
I didn’t feel so alien
I didn’t feel so alone
As they described what I feel
As they describe what I know
This yearning for connection
Wanting it so much
Longing for social engagement
Simple human touch
But energetically and psychologically
Keeping it at arm’s length
Because these days, letting people in
Zaps all of my strength
And they spoke about how often
When genuine connection occurs
Overwhelm can follow
Like emotional musical chairs
So happy when we have it
So lost when it’s gone
A never-ending cycle
That somehow never feels done
Because when you don’t grow up
Feeling consistently secure
You learn not to trust
That support will always be near
So instead, we pull away
We shut down
Find an escape
Anything is better
Than feeling THIS way
And the authors explain
How simply recognising
This pattern of expansion/retraction
Is half the battle of allowing
More aliveness
More charge
More relationality ….
As we heal, awareness grows
We slowly start to feel more free
So, I was reminded
(yet again)
That healing takes time
And just because I fall off the wagon
Doesn’t mean it’s a sign
That I’m not growing
Or learning
That I’m not on the right road
Sometimes all you can do is
Take a breath
And reload
