I apologise that I am not writing anything fresh at the moment….life is a little hectic.
I am trying to finish as much of my studying as I can before the 14th of December when I will be flying home to South Africa for a month.
I am also working 4 days a week
(FOUR WHOLE DAYS PEOPLE!!!!)
to try make enough money to finance my month-long holiday.
Plus Christmas shopping all adds up to me feeling slightly exhausted with zero creative energy flowing through me.
So unfortunately it’s going to be poems for a while, I think!
But it’s ok, you don’t have to worry about me…….
because in case you didn’t hear….
I am going HOME FOR A WHOLE MONTH!!!
I can’t fucking wait!!!
Written 6th August 2021
For my mother
I’m feeling relaxed
so incredibly calm
I’m not used to this feeling
not a worry
not a qualm
I’ve felt happiness and elation
walking on clouds
lost and lonely
miserable and down…
But this feeling feels
so completely new
A feeling of ‘enoughness’
flowing right through
Enough safety
Enough time
Enough abundance and money
Enough space in the universe
for the all of me
I’m not thinking about my course
(How will I finish it all?)
I’m not worried about money
(Where will my feet fall?)
I’m not obsessing about time
(Will there ever be enough?)
I’m not running to the shop
to binge on sweet stuff
Although I’ll admit earlier
the compulsion hit me
(Some gluten-free cannoli
might be just what I need.)
But when that feeling arises
it reminds me so much
of what it used to feel like
when cigarettes were my crutch
Running to the shop repeatedly
a couple of times a day
Buying single cigarettes
(I wasn’t a smoker OK!)
I just needed something
(Anything to fill the void)
Puffing on that cigarette
just gave me a hit of joy
I finally quit smoking
almost 3 years ago
I’m prouder of myself
than I have ever known
But conscious and aware
(although it’s not as deep)
Of this hole that still persists
inside of me
Food then became
my means to escape
that empty feeling inside
that I just cannot shake
But today when the craving
gripped me tight
It seemed easier to resist
It didn’t feel like a fight
I mean I was perfectly happy
I wasn’t even down
(but cravings seem to pop in
any random old time)
I heard my inner child whining
I told her I loved her
but today I had a strong will!
I made it through the day
elation and pride
That I am learning to acknowledge
my ravenous inner child
Still reading the book
(Written by Bethany Webster)
I can’t do any justice
to the healing words expressed here
“Discovering your inner mother”
she talks about the “mother gap”
The hole that is left
when you never simply had
What you needed as a child
to be validated and seen
to trust you are safe
to grow healthy self-esteem
How you don’t grow up feeling
like the world is a safe place
How you are left searching for something
meaningful to embrace
Bethany goes on to share
about the mother wound
That is passed on through generations
as it’s just assumed:
(Judging parents is a taboo)
But without looking back to understand
what the hell went wrong
how can we move forward….
find our own place to belong?
How can we learn to forgive
if we internalise all the shame?
How can we forgive ourselves
if we deny our own pain?
If we don’t take the step to separate
From what our mothers need
How can we live in a place
of genuine authenticity?
For a mother the easiest target
for the projection of her own pain
Is the daughter she might love
and adore all the same
Not much of this is conscious
it’s not intentional
But you can’t pass on compassion
through your own emotional wall
I wish I had read this book
10 years ago
While my mum was still alive
While we were both struggling to grow
I wish I knew then
what I know today
There is so very much more
I would have wanted to say
With a deeper understanding
Of how pain and hurt can be displaced
Could I have been more conscious
and just held the space?
Could I have been more compassionate?
Had more understanding
of generational trauma
and how it begins
But hindsight is useless
It’s taken me 7 years to grieve
The loss of my mum
and the loss of me
I wouldn’t even be writing this
if she were still alive
I needed all this pain
to simply recognise
That what we cannot accept
We will project
Denying parts of ourselves
has such a damaging effect
So my dearest mother
this poem is for you
I am
who I am
simply because of you
I’m sorry our years together
were at times so very hard
But I want you to know
that I carry you in my heart
With love and appreciation
For the part that you played
On this journey called life
I miss you every day
