Approximate reading time: 7 min
15th April 2022
I can’t sleep!!!
This easter break away
Has simply been
The most amazing couple of days
Away from my routine
And I have noticed I feel
Slightly different in my skin
Free from the internal turmoil
That continual inner spin
That has accompanied my holidays
(Since forever and a day)
It always takes me a while
To simply relax
Feel Ok
But finally there seems
To be a genuine shift
A deep inner acceptance
That something is NOT amiss
It’s like this awareness that has
More deeply sunk in
Anxiety’s not only in my head
It’s also connected to my skin
As I’ve become more mindful
Of my own sensitivities
Reactions in my body
How they play havoc with me
So, I’ll need to tell you the story
Of my first night here
(What my poor, unregulated nervous system
Had to endure:-)
I arrived off the bus
In a flurry of delight
(Whenever I visit Rachel
‘EVERYTHING’ feels right)
A sense of safety and acceptance
That’s far better than a drug
We clung to each other
In the longest of hugs
Then the talking began
(It’s all we need for fun)
I’m surprised sometimes
How it’s never all done
A little while in
Rachel opened up to share
A few of her struggles
I felt so consciously aware
Of the vice on my heart
It gripped so tight
This overwhelming feeling:
“I wish I could make it all right!”
I’ve often noticed this in the past
It feeds my anxiety
How I feel so powerless to help
People dearest and nearest to me
Then I get stuck in my head
“Why can’t I make it stop
This vice
This grip
This tangled heart knot”
But this time it simply
Didn’t have that affect
I was able to notice it
I was able to quietly reflect
What was going on in my body
I owned up and confessed
I admitted to Rachel how I often
Feel overwhelmed
When she’s distressed
She, in turn, shared
She feels exactly the same
This anxious feeling to always
Make sure others are OK
I’m genuinely not
Surprised at all
Rachel too, is highly sensitive
Often running on cortisol
But our night went on
The world didn’t stop
We know that containing these emotions
Is an inside job
But something beautiful happens
When you feel safe enough to share
With people who get you
With people who care
It’s a sigh of relief
You are never alone
As trust and acceptance deepens
You feel more at home
Random information
That ABSOLUTELY MUST be shared
Rachel recently purchased
A very cool double bed
So tonight, instead
Of sleeping separately
We were sharing a bed
(Woo-hoo, lucky me)
And as I climbed into bed
I was suddenly aware
Not an inch of anxiety permeated
Even one little hair
And as I lay there for a while
Happy thoughts swimming around
After 20 minutes or so
I suddenly found
Dammit all
Why wasn’t I
Falling asleep
Luckily this seldom
EVER happens to me
When my head hits the pillow
I’m usually out like a light
Unless I’m worrying about something
(But I wasn’t tonight!)
And as Rachel fell asleep
Memories came flooding back
Of me lying next to boyfriends
Numerous times like that….
As I watched them sleep quietly
The rage would start to grow….
How can they sleep so easily
I desperately wanted to know
And after hours of this
I’d often end up on the couch
Angry and resentful
Feeling like a grouch
Of course, it was
ALL THEIR FAULT I couldn’t relax!!
I sleep perfectly fine alone
( If only I had a pick axe)
I’d murder them in their sleep
I’m pretty sure I could
I’d happily relinquish
My much-loved sainthood
I can’t tell you how many times
I have silently raged
While I lay there trying to
Figure out and gauge
“Why in the world can’t I sleep?
What’s going on?
Why do men have no problem
Getting the job done?”
And all it ever did
Was reaffirm perfectly
Why being single was so much
Dam healthier for me
But this time instead
I started to physically assess
What I was feeling in the moment
How did my body feel stressed
I noticed the duvet cover
Felt a little rough
(I’ve always struggled to find duvets
That are silky soft enough)
And Rachel loves knitting
A beautiful blanket was on her bed
That was completely and utterly
Fucking with my head
I’ve always hated the feeling
Of wool on my skin
Woollen jumpers and scarfs
Are so bloody irritating
And I only had one pillow!
(I normally sleep with 2)
And it wasn’t filled with soft feathers
What’s a girl to do
So, I had nothing to cover my ears
And halt the surround sound
Of the noises of the night
That are always inbound
And why in God’s name
Is blue light flooding the room
I can only fall asleep
If it’s black like a tomb!
So, I noticed this all
(Well done me!)
But no, it didn’t magically lead
To my much-needed sleep
At about 3 am
I eventually crawled downstairs
Conscious that I wasn’t going to
Get any sleep there
And as I huddled under the only
(woollen) blanket I could find
With the ticking of the lounge clock
Almost blowing my mind
I was irritated
Exhausted
But still so surprisingly happy
Just acknowledging that NONE of this
Had anything to do with me
It was simply my body reacting
To all my sensitivities
I didn’t get pulled into my head
Wondering what’s wrong with me?
And as I lay thinking about
So many relationships in the past
And how this must have made them
So frustratingly hard
Constantly reacting to things
But not understanding why
No wonder all I ever
Wanted to do was cry
I thought about my ex-boyfriend
Who snored like a freight train
The inner fury I felt
Was so hard to contain
I’m pretty certain
My nervous system was completely fried
Simply because I was
Permanently sleep deprived
As I lay wide awake
Until 4 am
All I felt for myself
Was love and compassion
Such a far cry
From my usual criticism and blame
And accompanying it was
Hope
Perhaps things are starting to change