Approximate reading time: 5 min

You see this is why I could never be a professional writer….. my inability to follow through and finish the bloody assignment would mean I would undoubtably be fired in roughly 3 weeks.

I can almost hear the editor now:

Oh, you mean the one on the Anxious Avoidant style?

Ummmm…….in my head somewhere????

(The irony is not lost on me!)

So yes I’m stalling…..

I still have over 190 poems (and counting) to post so I can do that.

Thank God I don’t have an editor!

Written 19 February 2021

Jealousy’s an emotion that’s governed most of my life.
Struggling, looking outward, drowning in doubt.

Little girl in a house so often tainted by rage,
sometimes I wished I could just turn the page.

Hours every day, watching the Cosby Show.
Lost in a fantasy of how I wished I could grow.
(The irony now, not lost on me.
Bill Cosby?
What a joke!
The biggest fake that could ever be)

I wished problems could be solved with laughter and talking.
Not angry yelling that left my skin crawling.
Walking on eggshells constantly exhausts.
Never sure what will set someone off.

So, I designed a good plan, (when I was very young.)
I would create my own family, amongst whom I could belong.
It would be my chance, all the wrongs to right.
There would never be anger or any rage insight!!!

I’d feel safe, loved, supported, listened to.
Have a husband that adored me and valued my feelings as true.
I’d have a beautiful house, filled with laughing kids.
(Where their own thoughts on God would never be forbid.)

Throw in a couple of dogs!

(To add more delight)
We would have wonderful holidays

Where

we

would

never

fight!

It’s funny all the things, (You think you need),
to make yourself worthy, to get up to speed.
For so many years, I looked out and wondered why?
Why did I struggle, while others seemed to fly?

Why was it so hard, to simply find someone to love?
Build a home and fill it with useless stuff.
Raise a bunch of kids, just be a mum!
Instead of always worrying.
“What the hell is wrong?“

But as I’ve got older, more wisdom I have gleamed.
Looking with compassion, not all is as it seems.

I started to notice and to really see,
we all have our own trauma of varying degrees.
As the poet Philip Larkin so beautifully wrote
our parents can fuck us up, help us into their boat.

And the more I look, the more I understand.
Our parents were drowning, in their own fears unplanned.
You simply cannot give, what you yourself never got!
You can do your best, but you’ll most probably miss the shot.

So, we are now in the boat and what do we do?
We take up their oars.

(It was all that we knew.)
We continue their patterns, we carry on their beliefs.
we do even more damage to our fragile psyche.

So, I’ve spent the last 10 years, not raising a family,
I’ve spent them gently learning to raise me.
I’ve become my own love.
Critiqued my fallacies.
Had to come to terms,
with my own jealousy.
Noticing my triggers
and understanding my own pain.
Writing words that might hopefully
help others do the same.

I do not believe our core beliefs,
(created as kids,)
can magically be changed or simply knocked off the grid.
These core beliefs were created to keep us safe.
They are not our enemy, they are simply part of our base.
But I do believe, they can lessen the grip,
if we learn how to listen and put down the whip.

Simply by acknowledging them when they arise.
Looking for example,
‘Jealousy’ straight in the eyes.