Nat, Snickers and a little bit of ‘Negging’

Approximate reading time: 10 minutes

(I apologise, I am a whole week behind but I am not giving up on this post!)

Last Saturday night I went to see a comedy show with an old friend that I hadn’t seen in almost 4 years.

I call him Geezer.

He calls me Geezer.

(With a brommie accent, ya know,

Geeeeeeeyzaaaa!!)

He used to be my wingman, in the good old days (2019) when I was active and had a social life that extended beyond doggy dates and intimate nights curled up cosily with my laptop.

It’s been a good couple of months since my last venture out into the big wide world of humans and I was genuinely looking forward to it.

Ps Just for the record I have committed myself to start online dating again.

Yes you heard me right!!

I am determined not to allow my 11 years of disastrous dabbling in the occult to put me off any more.

Somewhere out there

...there is a man for me!

(or a whole handful of men)

I don’t care,

I would just like one.

I haven’t given up hope!

It has just been so lovely feeling happy and contented by myself

(finally)

….so I just need 3 more months of that, please!

(But I am definitely gonna do it!!!)

Back to my story:

Before I left for the show I popped in to feed my two latest little leiges, Snickers and Natalie.

Aren’t they adorable?

I must admit I have never really been much of a cat person

but these two little creatures are growing on me fast.

So I was running a little late

(story of my life)

and ended up having to put my make-up on at their house.

I was pretty touched that they both came all the way downstairs to find me and they ended up having lots of fun in their newly found ‘bathroom playground‘.

I was very conscious of the toilet …. and made a point of putting the toilet lid down.

(The last thing I wanted on my hands was a drowned kitten.)

Finally ready to go, I used the toilet.

(A Very IMPORTANT FACT in my story)

With an audience!

(Not so important fact!)

I put the toilet lid down again and

I then made sure to pull the bathroom door shut so that they couldn’t get in there while I was out.

I left, excited for my big night out

Wohooooo!

About 20 minutes into my tube journey this little voice started on me…

Are you sure you put the toilet seat down?
Did you really close the bathroom door?

Fuck !!!!!

Fuck, Fuckety fuck!

(I hate that voice)

This is not the first time this voice has terrorised me.

It could be anything from

“Did you turn the hotbrush off?

To “Did you turn the oven off?“

‘”I don’t remember you unplugging the iron!!!!!”‘

If I had been given £5 for every time I have turned around and gone all the way back home just to check and appease this highly annoying part of me.

And truth be told nothing has ever been left on!!

(Like never, ever, never NEVER!)

So this time I decided

NO MORE!!!

I refuse to be hijacked by my own brain for the gazillionth time.

I am a grown-up healthy, (semi-healed) adult!

(Dammit all!!!)

I don’t need to be pandering to this neurotic part that is always so fearful that she will burn the house down or worse, yet, kill someone in the process.

So I told this voice very confidently that I was not going to be listening to her any more!.

I told her that I KNEW I HAD closed both the toilet and the bathroom door and that Nat and Snickers would be just fine.

I wish I could say that it worked.

Alas, it did not!

The whole night I was bombarded with images of a drowned kitten

(for some reason it was Snickers)

waiting for me when I got there the next morning.

I contemplated googling

“Can kittens drown in a toilet?

But I decided that was guaranteed to push my fragile psyche completely over the edge.

Just imagine me having to add

Kitten Killer to my resume,

right underneath Doggy Poisoner!

Needless to say, I didn’t have a super fun night.

It was of course amazing to see Geezer again but the little voice at the back of my head zapped all the joy out of the evening for me….mmmm… that and the horrendously unfunny comedy show.

Random Rant:

(I am so looooooooong overdue)

I worry I might be losing my sense of humour with old age.

I like clean humour where you are taking the piss out of yourself or people/life in general. Humour that brings people together in a warm fuzzy way because frankly, life is just funny!

I hate it when comedians are aggressive.

When they pick on people in the audience,

make up a whole lot of shit that isn’t true about them

and then “attempt” to pass that off as humour.

How is that funny?

When we were at school we had a name for people like that

‘bullies’

In fairness to the comedians there, this was mainly the MC of the comedy show

(Let’s call him Morris!)

Morris single-handedly ruined the whole experience for me.

Morris’s energy was horrible.

If I saw Aura’s his would have been kaki green

(with brown patches.)

Morris looked like he had a huge chip on his shoulder and needed a hug and a loving therapist…

instead, some bright spark decided to give Morris a microphone instead!

(In case it’s not obvious….

I did not like Morris!)

All I kept thinking while he honed in on various audience members was

“Fuck this guy is just ‘negging‘ everyone”

I discovered this word: ‘Negging’ in 2019 after one of my last-ever disastrous dates before I threw in the towel on online dating.

My date had me in stitches most of the night until it actually dawned on me

(way too late in the evening,

I am ashamed to admit)

that the but of most of his jokes

was

ummmm

me!

(It was a very sobering moment I tell you)

What was even more horrifying for me was that I had been laughing,

the entire time.

What the fuck was that?

Don’t get me wrong I will be the first person to advertise and laugh at the

(sometimes)

stupid things I have done. I come from a family of ‘teasers’, I have no problem with people I know having a good laugh at my expense.

But it’s a completely different story when a relative stranger, who doesnt know the first thing about you is making up shit just to pull you down a notch. At first, I thought he was funny, but as the night progressed

(as we drank more)

I slowly started to realise how uncomfortable I was feeling and how his snarky, cutting comments were actually quite nasty.

I was so confused by what had actually happened that night that I started google searching until I eventually discovered THE word that described it perfectly.

As much as I did not enjoy that night, I am grateful that it was the night my blinkers came off and I started to realise what my line in the sand is when it comes to humour. For the first time, I started to really think about humour and how I had used it to define relationships in the past.

(My own humour included)

I thought about my parents and how they always used to be the life and soul at parties with their constant bickering and bantering.

Their playful and seemingly loving put-downs of each other were surprisingly quite entertaining to watch.

But in truth, this ‘playful banter’ was often a disguise or mask covering so many of the hurts and frustrations that they both felt towards each other. What they were unable to talk about or solve between them simply became fodder for a little light entertainment.

While I don’t for one minute think my parents were ‘negging’ each other

(They were definitely not trying to deliberately hurt each other)

I did realise after that horrendous date night how I was continually attracted to guys who enjoyed good banter and that seemed to mimic this pattern of put-downs that I had witnessed so much growing up.

(All in the name of good humour and fun, but of course!)

I understand now how so often we are attracted to people and behaviours that remind us of home.

Even if things were not always kosher or healthy

– the familiarity of it all feels somewhat comforting.

We feel at home with that sickly familiar feeling,

and then we run with it because it can feel a little intoxicating.

I don’t for a minute mean to insinuate that I am the innocent victim in all of this.

Truth be told I have a part of me

(I call her Mara- Kares)

that loves nothing better than cutting someone down if she has to.

Her drug was alcohol.

If a guy dished it up.

Mara-Kares could very easily dish it right back.

The only problem was,

the next morning,

I inevitably always felt pretty shitty about myself.

I have no desire to be that person any more and I definitely have no desire to be around any men that trigger that defensive, insecure part of me that needs to lash out just to feel safe.

So I am grateful that I have finally seen the light!