Approximate reading time: 9 minutes
Written 27 October 2021
My week has been
So super cool and relaxed
I’m on school holiday
(Thank goodness)
I’m not feeling at all taxed
I’m making an effort
To sit outside every day
First thing in the morning
To be present and meditate
For the rest of the day
All I do is write and paint
It just feels so lovely
To mentally escape
I’m currently attempting
To paint my beautiful Yaai-Pai
I’m slightly proud of my pictures
(I’m not going to lie)
Low and behold, I can recognise
That it is EVEN her….
Perhaps I’m no longer
A painting amateur
But as I was trying to meditate
This early morn
My thoughts are being popped
With the sharpest of thorns
An experience yesterday
That upset me so
I’m finding it hard
To let the dam thing go
But it appears when something
Has a grip on me
Writing about it seems
To be the magic key
At releasing the hold
Untying the knot
That certain situations trigger
Deep in my gut
While painting yesterday
I was listening intently
To CI practice sessions
That were sent to me
Now you know I’m never
One to ever judge
This is a heart
ONLY filled with love
(Ok I’m being facetious
Sometimes I get stuck….)
So seriously can I say
This CI therapist
Who appeared on my screen
Literally made me want to
Stand up and scream
It was like “hate” at first sight
(I know that’s not kind
My ‘Self’ knows I shouldn’t
Be so unrefined)
But at the same time my heart
Completely recoiled
No genuine empathy
(I could feel my blood boil)
She was cold, aloof
Nothing seemed to emanate from her heart
Honestly, it felt like
She was playing a well-rehearsed part
But what triggered me the most
Was her mirroring “skills”
Which literally gave me
The absolute chills
Repeating back verbatim
Almost everything the client said
Honestly after 5 minutes
It was fucking with my head
“Oh my God will you shut up”
I’m shouting at my screen
(Conscious that I am now
ANYTHING BUT serene)
I know we are taught to
“Mirror back a client’s words”
But frankly this was simply
Just a wee bit absurd
If my therapist had done that
To me the very first time
I had a session with him
I would have sadly declined…
To continue any more sessions
My irritability would’ve been apparent
I didn’t turn up to therapy
Because I wanted a parrot
I needed space
I needed quietness
I needed to feel heard
I didn’t need someone repeating
My every single word
Now I’m not going to deny
The client had a good outcome
So, it wasn’t a bad session
When all was finished and done
But when it was time for the feedback
So many of the student’s coo-ed
“OOh your ‘mirroring’ back
Is so wonderfully good.”
And that’s pretty much the point
My manic-inner-child
Lost it and went
A little batshit wild
“Oh my God who is crazy
Is it them or is it me?
Because how can we see attunement
So completely differently?”
Carys, Neurotic Angel and Mara-Kerez
Then began World War 3
(Inside my head)
Neurotic Angel lambastes me
(She is anything but gentle)
” You’re such a bitch!
Stop being so judgemental”
Mara-Kerez quickly jumps
Right in to say
“Back off! I can’t help it
If I’m getting the creeps today“
And then I watch as Carys
Floats serenely in
On a bubble of love
With rosy, pink skin
“Ladies, ladies”
she chirps merrily
“Why can’t we all
Just get along and agree?
She did a lovely session!
Let’s focus on that
There is no need for all this
Bitter combat”
It was around that point
That I heard a large pop
Mara-Kerez pricked the bubble
Carys fell with a flop
And then just when I thought
That I might be all alone
A hand goes up on the screen
From someone unknown
“I’m curious she asks
And I’m pretty new to all this
But I found the mirroring kind of
umm…monotonous”
Good Lord who is this woman???
How’d she get so brave?
(I wondered would she live
to see another day?)
Screen flicks back to the facilitator
I’m holding my breath!
(Oh my God this woman
Is so FUCKING DEAD!)
Then in that briefest of millisecond’s
I so clearly recognise
THAT LOOK
A flash
In the facilitator’s eyes!
It’s a micro-expression of rage
(Ever slight contempt)
This is a woman
Who will be absolute hell-bent
On proving why her way
Is unequivocally correct
There definitely won’t be any room
For her to reflect….
On another person’s perception
How it felt for them
(It’s like trying to talk about Buddha
With someone who’s born again)
And true to form she launched
Into a well-orchestrated defence
Her bullet-formed points
Where a little intense
She asked ‘Brave girl’ tartly
“What would you have rather seen?”
(“Um you shutting up perhaps?
And simply listening?”)
She backed her argument quoting
Her “psychotherapist” friend
In an attempt to bring
The discussion to a definite end
(Such a predictable tactic
With these types
Quote an authoritative figure
To prove how they’re RIGHT)
Look lady
No one is denying
That in psychotherapy
Mirroring is a valuable tool
To create connectivity
But I agree with brave chick
(Whoever you are!)
YOU Parrot lady
Take it just a little too far
I too found your session
Monotonous as shit
So, I’m standing
(silently)
Behind Brave chick
And how dare you ask her
(So condescendingly)
If she was a psychoanalyst?
I could barely believe
In front of 150 people
It simply didn’t need to be done
Honestly, all it did
Was leave me a little stunned
That as a Compassionate Inquiry Facilitator
You could shame so easily
A person with different thoughts
A person who disagrees
Isn’t the whole point of this
Compassionate Inquiry course
Learning to deal with feedback
Open dialogue being endorsed?
My chest is so tight
As sit and write this
As I try to figure out
What my stupid trigger is
There is just something about people
Who deem their ways right…
No room for different interpretations
Their arguments are airtight
The little girl in me
Is still so angry I see
For years I gave these people
Power over me
The irony of course
(One thing I cannot deny)
I’m still giving that power away
As I sit here and write
Because Parrot-Lady is going on
With her life just fine
While I’m attempting to wade through
These emotions of mine
But the voice of my internal mother
Is present and clear
“What is suddenly triggering
All of this fear?”
That if I’m not vigilant
And constantly alert
I’ll let toxic people in
Who’ll only do damage and hurt
And it infuriates me when
Other people can’t see
What genuine caring
And empathy should be
Because the child in me wants
To protect others too
She runs around screaming
“Something is askew!”
My internal mother is gentle
She calms the parts that have shown
“This is your stuff
That you need to own
It’s not your job to look after
The whole entire world
Your job to have compassion
For your own hurt little girl
All you can do is be present
And consciously breathe
Love and compassion
Into the anger you see.”