Approximate reading time: 5 min
I’ve lost my writing mojo.
I think my dissertation is freaking me out too much.
So far, I have had exactly
zero
responses to my reach out for participants for my study.
For the love of God,
surely I can’t be the only
single 49-year-old female in the whole entire world?
I am quietly trying not to panic, but without participants,
THERE WILL BE NOOOOO STUDY!
(Breathe, Gayle!!!)
Anyways, I have decided to cut myself some slack and just post poems for the foreseeable future, until the mojo returns.
(Thank God it always does;-)
But before I go, I would like to preface the poem below by saying:
I am getting out into the world again.
(Next month it will be 3 years ago that I started dog sitting, and I am so incredibly grateful for all my little fur-babies that I have all over London.)
A couple of weeks ago, I also joined a regular art meetup, which has been amazing. It feels great to be painting and doing something I love, with other humans!
So while my writing mojo might be AWOL…
Life is still pretty good:-)
When graffiti is awe-inspiring….
Written 5th May 2022
I was so excited to have
My first dog-sitting job
Four days with a Labrador
(Let’s call him Bob)
And yesterday I walked up
The road to meet
Bob and his owners
Who live just down the street
He was beautiful
I loved him
Such an earnest doggie soul
With woeful eyes
That could almost swallow you whole
His owners were lovely
(A couple from the USA)
Who had another couple over
They had plans together for the day
I mean it’s bank holiday long weekend
(The weather was great!)
But as I sat chatting to the ‘couples’
I noted a shift in my state
I started feeling anxious
My internal voices switched on
“Single old maid in the room
You stand out like a sore thumb
I mean, you’re dog sitting for people
So much younger than you
You are a little bit pathetic
From my point of view!”
Thank you, Neurotic Angel
For your kind supporting words
It’s been a while since you popped in
To make yourself heard
She’s like this annoying little sister
That continues to taunt and tease
Why is she always pointing
Her sticky fingers at me
As I left their flat
I walked to the Little Venice canals
I had planned on going to
The 2022 Boat Festival
My ‘first attempt’ at getting
Myself back into the world
“Come on, you can do it
Atta Girl!”
Passing numerous young mothers
And scores of dads
Loved-up couples
Walking hand in hand
Families laughing
Out for a day of fun
All I wanted to do
Was put my head down and run
She continued to goad me
(This voice in my head!)
“Look how young all these parents are”
She filled me with dread
“You know you’ll never have that…
Why don’t you just accept
Let go of that stupid dream
It always leaves you bereft”
But another part stood strong
She wasn’t backing down
“Don’t listen to Neurotic Angel
All she does is bring you down
Nothing is as it seems
Think this through
There are billions of people alone
In this world just like you“
So, I held my head high
I wasn’t going home
I was going to walk the canals
I didn’t need to feel alone
It’s a 20-minute walk
I could do this….
I was determined Neurotic Angel
Would simply HAVE to desist
And as I walked my much-loved
So beautiful canals
I felt nothing but absolutely
Alone and dismal
Surrounded by hundreds of people
They were all in the way
Crowding out this healing space
That I love every day
My chest was a knot
The pressure was insane
All I had wanted to do
Was join in with the world for a day
Halfway through the walk
I’m holding back tears
I felt like a fucking failure
Like, I had no right to be here
That cheerleader voice
Quietly egged me on
“No, don’t believe that!!!
You too, can belong
Maybe get some food
Sit down and relax
Then things won’t seem
That bad …perhaps?”
So, I bought a burger
And sat by the canal
As I listen to her seemingly
Logical rationale
My food went down like lead
(My chips were icy cold)
While families played around me
Fuck I feel old!!!
But luckily a pigeon
Took pity on me
And sat by my feet
Oh, so lovingly
“Well, you wrote about how
You love birds yesterday
Put a smile on your face
Stop feeling so grey!”
The irony not lost
Mr Pigeon wasn’t there for me
He was only hoping I’d drop
Some cold chips for his tea
I finished my ‘meal’
Good Lord, I’m done
Nothing about this ‘outing’
Has been remotely fun
So with my newly manifested
Aching heartburn
I returned home to the solace
Of my safe little cocoon
I sat in my garden
I felt a lot less blue
I reminded myself to breathe
(I let compassion through)
I calmed myself down
I was able to regulate
I pulled myself out of
I wrote for 2 hours
Life was pretty good
When I let go of that horrible
Swear word called “should”
And I made myself a promise
NEVER EVER again
Will I force myself to be social
When my anxiety begins
I choose rather to have compassion
Just give myself what I need
A little time
A little tenderness
There is no need to force-feed…
Myself with any experience
I feel I SHOULD have
When the time is right
I’ll experience it
Authentically
First hand