Approximate reading time: 4 min

24th October 2021

6 am, curled up

In a blanket outside

Sitting in my garden

Feeling calm and clear-eyed

Rolling green grass

Lush towering trees

It’s truly the most gorgeous

Of gardens for me

Various sections

Separate alcoves

Forested beauty

With wooded shadows

My favourite place is sitting

Underneath these trees

Watching the squirrels

Feeling the soft breeze

I’m doing my meditation

Listening to birds waking up

 Bursting with gratitude

I live in a home that I love

This morning I grabbed

An old journal to bring

  Into the garden because

I love appreciating

That my whole life is documented

On a lined page

I can look back and remember

Myself on certain days

It’s always interesting to see

How much I have grown

How my perceptions have changed

How certain beliefs have just flown

I love scribbling little notes

It got me thinking about an author

(Who I followed extensively)

Who wrote a piece about burning

All her old diaries

Something about learning

To let go of the distant past

Moving forward and releasing  

The negative energy they’d amassed

She spoke about looking back

At her old self and feeling shame

She no longer knew that person

She was no longer the same

How burning her diaries

Was a symbolic release for her

She wrote about the freedom

That the deed gently stirred

So, I’ll admit, rather sadly

That I decided to follow suit

After mum and Anna died

I decided to say salute…

To many of my old diaries

In the hope that releasing them

 Would magically ‘unburden’ me

(Perhaps I’d feel less condemned?)

Um…it didn’t, of course

(I was still an emotional mess)

Burning those diaries did NOTHING

To readdress

The shame and the pain

That I was carrying around

(I’m utterly embarrassed I thought

Some clarity might be found)

Those diaries were crammed

With my struggles and my fears…..

And burning them certainly

Didn’t take away my tears

So after that

I promised myself

NEVER AGAIN

I’m proud of my writing

And how much I have gained

I don’t view them as ‘negative energy’

How could they be?

All they are are the varied

Different parts of me

 My struggles, my shame

 all my negativity…

But now I’m trying to love

ALL THE PARTS that I see

Hopeful that I will learn

To process all my shame

Be grateful for my growth

Out of life’s unavoidable pain

But as I stood there watching

My words go up in smoke

Pretending I was happy

While trying not to choke

Experiencing so much sadness

Feeling so much regret

It taught me a valuable lesson

That

That I’ll truly

That author made a choice

That felt right in her soul

Perhaps her spirit simply needed

To release and let go

She followed her gut

She owned her own truth

 She did what she felt

Her soul was calling her to do

(I on the other hand

Did no such thing)

Unfortunately all I was

Essentially doing …

Was attempting to follow

Her down her chosen path

It’s no wonder I then had to

Deal with the aftermath….

Of emotions and sadness

Feeling like a renegade

Regret with the copycat

 Choice I had made

I had such great admiration for her

She’d inspired so much growth….

But that was the day

That I truly came to know

“Never take anyone’s story

Of bliss and happiness

 Try to recreate it

So you too can have success.”

It was a brutally hard lesson

That I needed to learn

As I stood watching the dancing flames

As my diaries all burned

I still love listening to others stories

 Gaining inspiration

 But from now on my growth

Comes from within

Practicing presence

Learning to listen to MY gut

Not trying to be someone

 I’m quite simply not