Approximate reading time: 10 min
One would think that now that my dissertation is finished, I would be super happy and relaxed. Unfortunately, it appears I might have been struggling with ‘post-grad depression.’
(It’s a real thing you know…I googled it!!)
Hence, the reason I haven’t been writing for the last couple of weeks.
(Sorry)
I thought perhaps it was just me… but when one of my fellow graduates reached out and mentioned she had also been struggling, I decided that maybe I should cut myself some slack.
Basically I’ve been plagued by an overwrought sense of doom as Neurtic Angel has been chorusing in my brain 24/7!!
“What now?
So you have your masters in attachment theory …what are you going to do with it?
How are you going to make a difference in the world?
TELL me your PLAN!!!”
I have no plan.
(Honestly, at times, she is relentless.)
Of course, it didn’t help that, three weeks ago, I had an absolutely horrible two days in a school that seemed to completely derail my nervous system.
Let me explain.
I think my seven years of day-to-day supply teaching – visiting hundreds of different schools – has been hugely insightful.
I have come to the totally non-scientific conclusion that there are essentially three types of schools, which loosely align with attachment theory in my mind.
(Of course, these are broad, sweeping generalisations – there are always all types of teachers in every school- but somehow this categorisation helps me make sense of the patterns I keep noticing.)
A) The Avoidant Schools
Super-strict schools with some very unfriendly staff who are rigidly structured in their routines and spend far too much time shouting at the children. The result is anxious, often unhappy pupils who behave simply because they’re too scared not to.
I’m often left wondering why these people chose to teach in the first place.
(Where is their heart?)
Of course, the upside of working in these schools is that you feel like an actual teacher as you aren’t continuously derailed by bad behaviour. The downside is that the children appear starved of basic kindness and compassion, and this feels a little soul-destroying at times. As a supply teacher in these schools, you rarely get noticed, greeted or spoken to.
You are there to do a job, and you do it.
C) The Ambivalent Schools
These are the “heart schools” – often filled with people who genuinely care about the children. They have compassion and are conscious of how a child’s upbringing influences their behaviour, and they do their best to foster warm, accepting environments.
The biggest issue is that in their attempts to preserve relationships and avoid conflict, they often lack clear boundaries around what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, and there is very little consistent follow-through or discipline.
The upside of working in these schools is that the staff are friendly, welcoming, and you feel like part of the team. The downside, however, is that the behaviour is often pretty dismal, with several children being allowed to continually disrupt the class’s learning with very few consequences. As a result, the entire class ends up absorbing a dysregulated, chaotic energy
Of course, this is completely understandable. Many of these teachers, who genuinely strive to go the extra mile for their students, are emotionally overwhelmed themselves. They are working within a chock-a-block curriculum that leaves little room for genuine connection, and they often lack the support
(or the strategies)
needed to effectively manage children with challenging behaviours or additional needs.
These teachers are exhausted.
*****
The school, three weeks ago, was of the latter variety.
By my second day, I was absolutely frazzled. I had two boys in the class whose attachment strategies would most likely be classified as C3 – Aggressively Angry. They continually reacted to every perceived slight from me – things as small as not being chosen to answer a question when their hands were up, or not being asked to hand out the books. One boy stormed out of the classroom several times to “go and find his teacher,” while the other became emotional and would burst into tears whenever he struggled with a task.
Both of them were relatively easy to calm once they reached meltdown point; simply taking them aside and giving them the attention they needed usually worked. But the problem was their ‘melting points’ were happening every 10 minutes….and in the meantime, I wasn’t doing any meaningful teaching. There were 28 other children in the class, and I was barely able to focus on any one else as I tried my best to keep these two children calm and regulated. By the time I got to 11 o’clock, I was completely dysregulated….now all I was trying to do was NOT burst into tears.
I failed horrendously.
I should have spoken up.
I should have asked for help sooner.
But I didn’t.
Instead, when the secretary came into the class to ask me something, she noticed I seemed out of sorts and asked if I was ok?
I literally fell apart.
After a 5-minute sob session in the staffroom, I returned to class, and I was given a TA to come help support. The two boys were also removed from the class and sent to another class to do their work.
I felt angry and frustrated.
Sending them out of the class solved the issue short-term, but it would also no doubt deepen their attachment anxiety and send the very clear message that they were “too much”.
I felt embarrassed.
I pride myself on my strong discipline skills.
I haven’t had a breakdown in class like that for a good couple of years.
I just honestly don’t know how teachers cope in classes like that 24/7.
Needless to say, I doubt the school will be asking me back again.
But then,
I wouldn’t go back
even if they offered me triple pay.
Moving on….
In an effort not to obsess over what my future life plan should be, I decided to throw my dysregulated nervous system into building a social life and going on dates.
(I know it was a sterling plan)
FYI: I am currently employing a new dating tactic.
Are you ready for it?
It’s called “Going on date number two!”
I realise that my desire to go on a second date is driven by two polar-opposite lines of reasoning.
Reason#1
I want to learn to say yes to life more.
If I have had a good evening, if my date and I have been able to keep the conversation going relatively well, and there weren’t any major red flags then I will be open to date #2.
(My therapist is very proud of me and says I am opening up and making more space for people.)
Umm…well done me!
Reason#2
Of course, the neurotic part of me is petrified that people
(AKA random strangers who read my blog)
might think I am being too picky. So to counteract that and prove the point that I am ABSOLUTELY NOT TOO PICKY, I am open to going on date #2.
(The not-so-noble counter-truth).
So I had 3 first dates this month
Date #1 – Johan
Honestly, Johan gave me the heebie-geebies.
I sat listening to him talk about himself for an hour….all the time wondering how I could end the date without hurting his feelings.
(I figure most humans deserve at least an hour of your time?
Yes?
No?
Hell, I don’t know!!!)
In fairness to me, I think I spent that long trying to figure out how to leave without being painfully obvious or just blurting out, “I have to go.” And then, the second we hit the one-hour mark… I blurted it out anyway.
(I will need to work on that!)
Date #2 – Ethan
Ethan was a divorced father of 2. He was one of those men who prefer not to waste energy standing up to greet a person when they arrive.
(I left my judgment at the door, people)
Aside from that minor infraction, all in all, we had a fun night. We chatted reasonably effortlessly for about two and a half hours and were giggling like teenagers on the walk to the tube station
(Granted, from his end it might have been alcohol induced giggles – I, on the other hand, was perfectly sober!! 😉 )
I wasn’t feeling anything remotely romantic – but I would have definitely gone on a second date despite his horrible red-stained wine teeth!
(See how evolved and magnanimous I am?)
(But seriously, red wine should be banned on first dates!)
Alas no.
The next morning I got my “Dear Gayle” message informing me that he had a really lovely time, but he didn’t feel anything romantic.
What’s up with this SHIT?
(I miss being the REJECTOR!!!!)
Date #3 – Lawrence
I have to admit I was super excited about my date with Lawrence. He had really lovely photos, he was 6.2, and his profile was well written. When I arrived at the bar, not only did he stand up, but he also walked over to greet me and give me a hug.
(Aaah, a gentleman at last)
Lawrence was a lovely guy.
I will admit when he told me that his passion was buying and selling antiques for living …..
I almost wanted to high-tail right out of there.
I honestly can’t stand antiques – imagine living in a house CHOCKER – BLOCK FULL of other people’s old shit!!!
Urg…I couldn’t bear it!!
(I am a modern girl through and through!)
But once again I reigned in my judgment, and reminded myself that we were not getting married…
This was only a first DATE, and I kept that little ‘antique-hating‘ fact to myself.
(Aren’t you proud of me;-)
So, Lawrence and I had a lovely evening. We sat chatting for over 3 hours. I honestly didn’t feel like we had that ‘initial spark’, but I enjoyed chatting to him. I also noted that I was slightly more nervous with him than I had been on my other dates. I was very conscious of not ‘overtalking’ and ‘oversharing’ – something that seems to happen a lot more when I am feeling anxious
(or when I am very excited.)
I think I did a pretty good job
….um….
until that is…..Lawrence asked me what I was going to do with my attachment studies now that I have finished it.
I will admit
I hit a wall
as I heard Neurotic Angel pipe up….
“Yes, chick…what are you going to do with it????”
I mumbled something about not being quite sure while the words from Lawrence’s profile were echoing in my head.
“I want a woman who is confident and knows what she wants in life!”
EEEEEEEEk, I was failing!
He then made the colossal mistake of asking me what the one thing was that I had always wanted to do in my life.
The only answer that came to mind, as I suddenly felt myself well up with emotion, was:
“All I’ve ever really wanted to do is be a mum.”
BUT rest assured
I DID not say that!!!
Nope, I managed to stop myself and substituted THAT sentence with….
“I would love to do foster work!”
OMG!!!!
Who says that on a first date?????
That is possibly the worst fucking thing you could EVER tell a man on a first date.
And I said it out loud!
I DID!!!!
(I am almost positive I saw Lawrence gulp)
I’m not sure….but I think that was the point; I blew up any prospect of a second date, although the gentleman that he was, he never let it show.
To be fair, I wasn’t too gutted when I got my second “Dear Gayle” letter that week… my dream of living in a nice, modern house – sans horrible antiques – could still live on. 🙂
I am proud of myself for going on dates – even though the rejection part still suxs.
I would love to say that I learned my lesson and I won’t babble out inappropriate stuff on any other future dates….but alas, that’s me.
I have subsequently decided that I now need a much-deserved break from dating,
I shall dip in again in the new year.
And to end on a positive note.
This week has been amazing.
I got sent to three schools that fall into my
B) Balanced and Secure Schools category.
These are schools that have got both the heart and the discipline balance just right. I cannot even begin to describe how lovely it is to work in these schools. The work is appropriate, the staff are warm and supportive, rules are enforced consistently, and the children are happy.
Life has started to feel a little more colourful again.
I am reminded, once again,
that I don’t have to have all the answers to my life sorted out.
