So I went to watch a dating comedy show last Tuesday called “Dating Stories”. It is based on the idea of sharing dating horror stories and I have to admit….when I found out about it two months ago I was beside myself with excitement.😁👏 (Oh my God do you know how many of those stories I have?) For years I have kept running commentary with friends about all my ..mmm… interesting online dating experiences.

Random Dating story #1: Like the SA hypnotherapist I had a date with in London. He told me that he had once worked as a bodyguard for the British equivalent of the mafia…..but he couldn’t tell me who they were or my life would be in danger.😕 (Ummm ok…I’m sure the British mafia have better things to do than hunt down his online dates….but anyway.) He also insisted that he was able to hypnotize any person, any time without their permission. (Just the kind bullshit you want to have spewed at you on a first date.🙉) Needless to say he was one of the few men I have ever actually ended a date with before we had even ordered coffee. On informing him politely that I needed to leave as I didn’t feel we had anything in common, his ‘oh so genuinely surprised’ reply was: “ Why? We don’t have to have anything in common to have sex.” (No, indeed.)

I secretly think my married friends get way too much entertainment from my dating exploits😉. I have of course had a few people comment that I seem to attract a lot of crazies….but in my defence….it’s easy to sit back and pass judgement when you are happily co-habituating and have never had to try the online dating thing. The fact of the matter is, anybody that is brave enough to put themselves out there is inevitably going to have to deal with their fair share of undesirables. The healthy part is recognizing them sooner rather than later. So I was definitely looking forward to my evening of shared laughter at the lunacy of dating. As the host mentioned at the beginning of the night “This show was created to help unite single people and make them feel less lonely”. We all go through it, so we might as well start seeing the funny side of dating. The show itself was somewhat..um…crude and sexually explicit, but fuck it was absolutely hilarious. I honestly can’t remember that last time I laughed so much. 😂Oh no wait…yes I can!!! It was the time I watched the Pictionary episode on the Big bang theory.

Which brings me to:

Random date story #2: I do recall it was a second date dinner at my flat with a guy…let’s call him…uhum… Don Juan. Don Juan had spent the previous two days, after our first date, sending me cringeworthy ‘Hey’ and ‘WUD’ messages every couple of hours.(literally🙈) At first, I didn’t even know what WUD meant….so googled it. “What you doing?” ( Granted he was 8 years younger than me so maybe I’m just not up to date texting lingo of the younger generation.) But honestly, it really bores me to death having to give hour-to-hour reports on my daily activities. I am not quite sure why some men think this might be appealing to us women…..I mean if you have something interesting to say…then by all means please say it. As far as I am concerned it’s the height of laziness and the smacks of nothing more than “I’m bored please entertain me”. (As I have written before I find bored men very unappealing.) So one wonders WHY when he suddenly phoned me and invited himself for a home-cooked meal…I actually said yes???😳 (Can I plead temporary insanity?) I guess in my defence, at that point in my life, any interest was better than none so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. After an exhausting dinner with very little conversation, e decided to watch the Pictionary episode and I remember laughing so hard I almost cried .… Don Juan wasn’t very impressed and contemptuously pointed out: “It’s really not that funny Gayle!” Needless to say, Don Juan didn’t get a third date….but in retrospect, it was more likely because he spent the entire night looking at all my travel photo’s around my flat going:

Don Juan: Who’s this?
Me: It’s me. 
Don Juan: Oh my God!! You WERE so hot!! 
Don Juan: Who’s this?
Me: Um it’s still me!! 😤
Don Juan: Noooo ways this can’t be you? Seriously that’s you?

Every girl’s idea of a dream date…to be continually reminded that they no longer look 25 or 35 anymore. Once, I probably could have forgiven, but after about the 4th time he said this I was little over it. And him. Call me crazy, but I’m kind old fashion and hold out for a man that thinks I’m still reasonably hot! (Or at least clever enough to hide his shock!) (Oh and did I mention that he refused to help me with the dishes after I had cooked him dinner? Sadly Don Juan had to go💨👋….although I might add he didn’t go quietly…but that’s another story on its own!😉)

So where was I?

Oh yeh, I thought the show was hilarious. What I found interesting though was that I went home that night feeling incredibly sad. So I then, of course, had to psychoanalyze myself a little to figure out why? 😉 
And this is what I came up with: I am a huge believer that we have more power in our lives than we often give ourselves credit for. Quite simply our perception is our reality. If we perceive something to be a certain way, then chances are that is exactly how we will experience it. You only have to look at how ‘bad days’ go from bad to worse as the day progresses. Something happens, we get angry, we feel frustrated, subconsciously we begin to look for more evidence that this day is just terrible and magically we always find it. I have increasingly found this to be so true in my dating experiences. Sometimes it is so incredibly hard not to get sucked into this negative force field of thought that surrounds dating. The kinds of limiting beliefs that have flown through my mind on a regular basis these last couple of years look something like this.

“Dating is hard work”😱
“There are no good men in Port Elizabeth”😤
“All the best men are married (or Gay!😪) ”
“There are no brave men out there”💪
“For Goodness sake…I’m a bloody teacher! Where on earth am I ever going meet a man?” 😖

These last few months I have been trying incredibly hard to break away from this negative, restrictive, almost victim-like narrative that I have recycled over the last couple of years. My way of doing that was simply to ban myself from talking negatively about dating for 40 days. (The philosophy behind this is that it takes 20 days to break old habits and 20 days to form new ones.) Trust me this was no easy feat…especially when you are continually asked: “Oh my God why are you still single” My defence mechanism to this particular question is to always fall back into the somewhat humorous tales of what the dating scene in PE is like. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think there is anything wrong with sharing these stories…hell, I have just shared two! The problem lies in allowing these stories to perpetuate the limiting beliefs I was feeding myself (and others.) Rather than just being random funny experiences I subconsciously used them as evidence to backup how hopeless dating can be. And thus the cycle continues. 📼

So I think I have done pretty well for myself these last few months. 🙏💪👏I continually remind myself daily that dating can be fun and easy, that there are great, amazing men out there open to finding love and that I have lots of opportunities to meet them. (I have to be honest, as with any new habit it’s not always easy, but it is getting easier. 😄) Tuesday night, however, I all of a sudden found myself sucked into this hilarious if not pessimistic narrative of what it’s like to date and to be single. We were in a room of probably 80% women and it felt like we were all mentally telling the same sad story. (Well the single ones at least!) At one point we were all asked to shout out a word to describe our experiences of dating men in PE….I’m sorry to say there weren’t very many positive words being shouted out. (Unless you count the women at the back who shouted “PE men are awesome!” She was of course, sitting with her husband of 15-something years…..and I am pretty sure I wasn’t the only one who wanted to have her escorted from the room….or duck taped😷💪…either would have done😱🔪) During a conversation that I had with one of the comedians in the break, I watched in amazement as I slotted right back into my old negative thought patterns and moaned about how fucked up and exhausting dating in Port Elizabeth can be…

(Sigh 😣) So this week I just had to reboot and start again……

“Dating can be fun and easy” 
“There are great, amazing men out there who are open to finding love”
And yes, even as a teacher I have lots and lots of opportunities to meet them.”

Negative thought patterns are not always easy to change but I do believe it is possible to learn to rewire our brain, no matter what our age.

So on a final note please understand I am not in any way passing judgement on the show..or anyone that attended it (ummmm..except maybe ducktape lady😷😉) . I have no doubt that their intentions were met for many women that were there that night. I think it’s incredible how they travel around the world doing what they love and making people laugh. If they ever came back to Port Elizabeth I would definitely go and watch them again…here’s just hoping I won’t have to go as a single again. 😉

Have a super week
Much love 
💕💜💕😘🌟✨🐝🎉

Ps If anyone has any dating stories they would like to share…I would love to hear them.