Approximate reading time: 5 min

Written 11 June 2021

I walked home today

in a thunderstorm

with no umbrella

(No, that’s not usually the norm)

Just feeling so peaceful

happy and contained

Loving the sensation

 of the gentle summer rain

So grateful to be alive

to have a place to call home

to have friends that support me

who remind me

I’m not alone

I was absolutely drenched

 from top to toe

As my mind wondered

to someone dear

I know

My rock, my confidant

 my favourite cuz

the last two years we’ve been

through so much

I’m smiling quietly

we had our first fight yesterday

after two years of friendship

 (I’m quite proud to say!)

Well I’m not sure it was a fight

but I was mad as shit!!

(And I actually found the words

 to verbalise it)

****

Now let me explain

the whole backstory

of the “terrible awful”

this man did to me…

We pretty much speak

at least 4 times a week

It’s a comfortable routine

 (That DOES NOT need to be tweaked)

I’ll admit I often worry

what’ll happen when….

He falls in love

he won’t need me as a friend

I’ll be relegated to the backburner

put on the shelf

(I know

what a horrible thing

 to say about myself)

But you know it’s true

 I had to come up with a plan

So, I decided he should become

my besties man

Cos when they fall in love

 they will both love me

Then I won’t be discarded

 (as far as I can see)

(Well I think so)

That’s going pretty well

(Just so you know)

They are chatting happily

 almost most days

I’m such an epic Cupid

 (What can I say?)

A small glitch in the plan

1040 km apart

(He lives in Vienna

Besty lives in Martock)

But fuck it

I don’t care

I’m going to will this to work

(It’s not like he lives on

the other side of the earth)

The three musketeers

our 3-way friendship was going well

Until my dearest cuz did

He fell off the radar

(almost entirely of the grid)

For three whole weeks!!!

OMG

WHAT A SHIT!

And no it wasn’t another woman

(of that I’m sure…)

All it was

was a bloody football

I mean what is it with men

and their stupid sports?

Yes, it was Euro football

that cut our time so short

My irritation and anger

 bubbled to the top

I watched it quietly

but didn’t make it stop

******

Now in fairness to him

He’d messaged to see if I was fine

But I was irritated and grumpy

at feeling side-lined

So, I passive-aggressively

 ignored some of his texts

and used not

ONE

single smiley

when I answered him next

How dare I be pushed aside

for a fucking ball

I wasn’t going to talk

to him anymore!!!!!

I felt angry and frustrated

(Why was I behaving like a child?)

He has been nothing but supportive

for the longest of whiles

Encouraging, kind, genuine and sweet

why is it I’m so angry

and turning up the heat?

******

So I decided to simply

make a little space

To look a little deeper

at all the feelings that interlaced

It’s this absolute fear

of people walking away

If I’m authentic and honest

they won’t want to stay

They will figure out I’m too much

 and just not worth their time

They will sign my release papers

 on the dotted line

In the last 10 years it’s happened

 more times than I can say

I can’t tell you how many friends

have just walked away

Some were vindictive, nasty and truly unkind

When I attempted to speak up

and say what’s on my mind

Others disappeared without so much as a word

no explanation

simply no chance to be heard

My messages were ignored

my reach outs pushed aside

All my anger and hurt

just seething inside

So, I’m aware that this anger

that’s been simmering these last few weeks

has simply been dormant

waiting for me to speak

For me to find the words

to express

and to say

No, I’m really

NOT

doing okay

My heart has been broken

under this rage is grief

Why does this always

keep happening to me?

I realise that keeping my silence

always keeping things in

Has left me feeling lost and alone

silently festering

And then low and behold

its as if the universe concurred

and created ‘this’ situation

so that I could be heard

*****

So, I watched amused

as my inner child raged

Her entitlement and possessiveness

(an embarrassing display)

We finally had a chat

(after what seemed like years)

Cuz sat quietly while I lampooned him

with all my fears

“I feel hurt

I feel angry

you deserted me

You promised our friendship

would always be!”

He apologised and said

he was sorry I felt bad

That was never the intention

 that he had had

But he also said he never

does anything for himself

and even though I was angry

he knew I’d look after myself

He could bear my irritation

He wasn’t putting my feelings aside

but a deeper part of him knew

that our friendship would survive

Dammit I was more annoyed

he didn’t have any qualms

Why was he so rational

Why was he so calm?

“Why aren’t you angry with me

 I’m behaving like a shit!

I’m judging you harshly

and you’re just taking it?”

“You aren’t judging me, Gayle

You are allowed to assert

Your feelings honestly

when you feel hurt”

I’m consciously aware

of my inner child as she soothes

She drops her anger

She’s got nothing else to prove

She felt validated and heard

completely at ease

(Fuck it is this how healthy people

disagreements appease?)

Two minutes later

we’re laughing once more

about our ridiculous first fight

over a bloody football