Approximate reading time: 10 min

Typed post will be posted tomorrow

xxx

Written 1st October 2021

It hasn’t honestly been

The coolest of weeks

I’ve been sick again

Unable to speak

I had to cancel a job

That was booked yesterday

My body’s checked out

Quietly gone astray

Yesterday I was in the deepest

 Of darkest black holes

I swore at my internal mother

(I told her where to go)

Ironically the “illness”

Arrived the very same week

I booked my December ticket home

(Hence feeling so bleak)

Old tapes started playing

My inner critic went wild

“You can’t be sick NOW

It’s simply not allowed!

You need to pay off your ticket

Save money to spend

You need to climb out this pit

And bloody reascend!”

Then I realised this morning

I had forgotten to take

My anti-depressants for two days

(What a dumas mistake)

It scares me to death

How low I can get

When I’m in this place

It’s so easy to forget

All the good in the world

All the growth I’ve achieved

 I feel so powerless

Like there’s no hope for me

But today I can swallow

(Without the razor blades)

I’m getting my voice back

Feeling a little more OK

I’m conscious lately

So much turmoil between my parts

As they constantly fight

For control of my heart

I continued reading the book

 (By Richard Schwartz)

Internal family systems

(This time I didn’t abort)

I’ve been wanting to read it

For such a long time

I’ve done so much part-work

Along the same lines

From the perspective of IFS

We all contain an inner tribe

Some parts are visible

While others simply hide

It’s about identifying and loving them

Not trying to push them away

It’s about accepting them daily

As they are all here to stay

Schwartz’s categorises these parts

Into three distinct roles

All serving different purposes

To keep us functioning as a whole

The “Managers”

The “Firefighters”

And the “Exiles”

Many parts making up

These very different profiles

Our Manager’s parts

Play a pre-emptive protective role

Handling how a person interacts

With the external world

Their job is simply:

Protect our more sensitive parts

Which they banish and keep hidden

Away in the dark

They aim to prevent painful

From through flooding you

Those bossy inner critics

Who always tell you what to do

Or the perfectionist who always

Wants things to be right

Or that hardworking part

Who pushes you to great heights

So, I recognised immediately

Who this would be

Neurotic Angel, who dutifully

Never leaves me

She’s so quick to analyse

And judge ALL I do

She’s that annoying little voice

That constantly comes through

But of course there’d also

Be Mara-Kerez

Who can act like a bitch

Pretend she doesn’t care

Because if I’m perceived as strong

Ballsy and brave

Then it might protect me from judgments

That could come my way

And perhaps Roxy & Carys

Are managers too

Roxy keeps me busy

Always something new to do

She is happy and positive

 (Oh she is such a joy!)

But perhaps being centre-stage

Is just her clever ploy

To not allow the sadder parts

To come up for some air….

Roxy doesn’t acknowledge them

She denies they are there

And what of beautiful Carys

Who is love personified

When Carys is in

I float on cloud nine

She reaches out to others

That might have hurt my other parts

 She forgets about the hurt

She always wants a restart

Carys has helped maintain

Unhealthy friendships for many years

“Don’t focus on the negatives!

Forget your silly tears!

Reach out

Isn’t that what we’re taught to do?

Always love others

No matter what they put you through“

The Exiles are those painful

Sensitive parts

Carrying the trauma from childhood

(Those emotional bleeding hearts)

The seat of our fear

The carriers of our shame

Lost little child parts

That always feel to blame

This too was easy

For me to identify

Lyla & Lola the babies

Who just break down and cry

Those parts that feel

Like they must continually hide

Put on a brave face

Don’t show your insides

But these exiles do get triggered

And sometimes break free

They start demanding attention

Wanting to be seen

I have this image in my head

That makes me smile

 Of when these parts escape

And they are just running wild

Waving their hands

Drama Galore!

Screaming “I’m free, I’m free

 I don’t want to be ignored!”

Then our firefighters emerge

 To douse down the internal flames

They are the parts that distract you

From your exiles core shame

Compulsive behaviours like

Drug addiction and alcohol

Or binge eating to gain back

Some remnants of control

Over-working, violence

Having inappropriate sex

Simply any behaviour

That will neatly intersect…

Our exiles and distract

Our attention away

From these needy winy, parts

And keep them at bay

So, this was a little harder

For me to comprehend

Although Lyssa stood out

As that part that defends

She’ll react with volatile rage

That will hit you like a train

She’ll catch you off guard

In an attempt to hide my pain

But I keep thinking, maybe

 I’ve missed a part out

That seems to be rearing her head

Lately , without a doubt

As I was writing in my journal

Completely numb today

Trying to pinpoint this part

That doesn’t yet have a name

She would definitely be a firefighter

Who has attempted to use

Alcohol, cigarettes

Recreational drugs too

Now she is reformed (Uhumm)

She doesn’t hook into THAT crap!

But she still has her own vices

To stuff in the gap

She loves nothing more than being

Able to check out

Her addiction of choice

Simply zoning out

By watching movies

(Eating rubbish the entire day)

Somehow hooking into these things

Makes her feel OK

She’s no desire to meditate

She’s not interested in writing

Go for a walk?

Are you fucking kidding?

I realised last weekend

When she started to show

How Neurotic Angel despises her

And just wants her to go!

So, I thought she needed a name

This Numbing-out part

Clearly, she’s been active

From the very start

So, I chose the name Tana

Meaning “Goddess of fire”

In the hope she’d become more conscious

And perhaps I’d learn to inquire

What’s going on when I feel

The need to zone out

Ask the hard questions

What’s this all about?

I took the time to paint her

(I made her super cool)

Because she serves a purpose

She’s trying to calm the whirlpool

Of emotions that my exiles

Don’t feel save to yet share

So, I think that makes her a part

That really and truly cares

Could I maybe start seeing her

As a compassionate

Shielding friend?

Who simply wants to protect me

To the very end

Maybe if I stop judging her

And giving her grief

She could find another way

To start helping me?

Finally, the one thing

That I love the absolute most

About this IFS book

That has kept me engrossed

Is when Schwartz talks about our ‘Self’

 (with a capital ‘S’)

It’s that internal part

That always knows best

We all have a ‘Self’

Every single human being

But it’s so often drowned out

By all the fighting between…

Our different parts that are completely

And utterly polarised

Our Self ‘should’ be leading

Instead of babysitting our tribes

When differentiated

The ‘Self’ is confident and secure

It’s able to listen to feedback

It’s relaxed and reassured

The ‘Self’ joyful, it’s happy

It has no need for pretence

It can learn from mistakes

Without taking offense

No ‘Self’ is ever broken,

No ‘Self’ needs to be fixed

All it simply needs is for us

To start to distinguish it…

From the different parts in our system

All seeking to be stabilized

Unfortunately, with our immature parts

That price is always high

Because by hiding all our injuries

And traumas away

They start to escalate polarizations

That can lead to decay

An IFS therapist can help you

Untangle your different parts

Unravel all the strings

That are pulling on your heart

‘Self’ has healing qualities

That distinguishes it from the rest

That of curiosity

 Connectedness

 Compassion

and

Calmness

When I read this chapter

I felt proud and so very pleased

That I’ve started to connect so much more

 With the ‘Self’ in me

My “Internal mother” would be my ‘Self’

(I always thought she was a part)

It was nice to simply realise

She’s the centre of my heart

I love so much how Dr Schwartz

So emphatically believes

We all have the ability to help our ‘Self’

Differentiate and achieve…

A calmness to the voices

An understanding of why they distract

An awareness of their vulnerability

The ability to NOT react