Approximate reading time: 10 min
Typed post will be posted tomorrow
xxx
Written 1st October 2021
It hasn’t honestly been
The coolest of weeks
I’ve been sick again
Unable to speak
I had to cancel a job
That was booked yesterday
My body’s checked out
Quietly gone astray
Yesterday I was in the deepest
Of darkest black holes
I swore at my internal mother
(I told her where to go)
Ironically the “illness”
Arrived the very same week
I booked my December ticket home
(Hence feeling so bleak)
Old tapes started playing
My inner critic went wild
“You can’t be sick NOW
It’s simply not allowed!
You need to pay off your ticket
Save money to spend
You need to climb out this pit
And bloody reascend!”
Then I realised this morning
I had forgotten to take
My anti-depressants for two days
(What a dumas mistake)
It scares me to death
How low I can get
When I’m in this place
It’s so easy to forget
All the good in the world
All the growth I’ve achieved
I feel so powerless
Like there’s no hope for me
But today I can swallow
(Without the razor blades)
I’m getting my voice back
Feeling a little more OK
I’m conscious lately
So much turmoil between my parts
As they constantly fight
For control of my heart
I continued reading the book
(By Richard Schwartz)
Internal family systems
(This time I didn’t abort)
I’ve been wanting to read it
For such a long time
I’ve done so much part-work
Along the same lines
From the perspective of IFS
We all contain an inner tribe
Some parts are visible
While others simply hide
It’s about identifying and loving them
Not trying to push them away
It’s about accepting them daily
As they are all here to stay
Schwartz’s categorises these parts
Into three distinct roles
All serving different purposes
To keep us functioning as a whole
The “Managers”
The “Firefighters”
And the “Exiles”
Many parts making up
These very different profiles
Our Manager’s parts
Play a pre-emptive protective role
Handling how a person interacts
With the external world
Their job is simply:
Protect our more sensitive parts
Which they banish and keep hidden
Away in the dark
They aim to prevent painful
From through flooding you
Those bossy inner critics
Who always tell you what to do
Or the perfectionist who always
Wants things to be right
Or that hardworking part
Who pushes you to great heights
So, I recognised immediately
Who this would be
Neurotic Angel, who dutifully
Never leaves me
She’s so quick to analyse
And judge ALL I do
She’s that annoying little voice
That constantly comes through
But of course there’d also
Be Mara-Kerez
Who can act like a bitch
Pretend she doesn’t care
Because if I’m perceived as strong
Ballsy and brave
Then it might protect me from judgments
That could come my way
And perhaps Roxy & Carys
Are managers too
Roxy keeps me busy
Always something new to do
She is happy and positive
(Oh she is such a joy!)
But perhaps being centre-stage
Is just her clever ploy
To not allow the sadder parts
To come up for some air….
Roxy doesn’t acknowledge them
She denies they are there
And what of beautiful Carys
Who is love personified
When Carys is in
I float on cloud nine
She reaches out to others
That might have hurt my other parts
She forgets about the hurt
She always wants a restart
Carys has helped maintain
Unhealthy friendships for many years
“Don’t focus on the negatives!
Forget your silly tears!
Reach out
Isn’t that what we’re taught to do?
Always love others
No matter what they put you through“
The Exiles are those painful
Sensitive parts
Carrying the trauma from childhood
(Those emotional bleeding hearts)
The seat of our fear
The carriers of our shame
Lost little child parts
That always feel to blame
This too was easy
For me to identify
Lyla & Lola the babies
Who just break down and cry
Those parts that feel
Like they must continually hide
Put on a brave face
Don’t show your insides
But these exiles do get triggered
And sometimes break free
They start demanding attention
Wanting to be seen
I have this image in my head
That makes me smile
Of when these parts escape
And they are just running wild
Waving their hands
Drama Galore!
Screaming “I’m free, I’m free
I don’t want to be ignored!”
Then our firefighters emerge
To douse down the internal flames
They are the parts that distract you
From your exiles core shame
Compulsive behaviours like
Drug addiction and alcohol
Or binge eating to gain back
Some remnants of control
Over-working, violence
Having inappropriate sex
Simply any behaviour
That will neatly intersect…
Our exiles and distract
Our attention away
From these needy winy, parts
And keep them at bay
So, this was a little harder
For me to comprehend
Although Lyssa stood out
As that part that defends
She’ll react with volatile rage
That will hit you like a train
She’ll catch you off guard
In an attempt to hide my pain
But I keep thinking, maybe
I’ve missed a part out
That seems to be rearing her head
Lately , without a doubt
As I was writing in my journal
Completely numb today
Trying to pinpoint this part
That doesn’t yet have a name
She would definitely be a firefighter
Who has attempted to use
Alcohol, cigarettes
Recreational drugs too
Now she is reformed (Uhumm)
She doesn’t hook into THAT crap!
But she still has her own vices
To stuff in the gap
She loves nothing more than being
Able to check out
Her addiction of choice
Simply zoning out
By watching movies
(Eating rubbish the entire day)
Somehow hooking into these things
Makes her feel OK
She’s no desire to meditate
She’s not interested in writing
Go for a walk?
Are you fucking kidding?
I realised last weekend
When she started to show
How Neurotic Angel despises her
And just wants her to go!
So, I thought she needed a name
This Numbing-out part
Clearly, she’s been active
From the very start
So, I chose the name Tana
Meaning “Goddess of fire”
In the hope she’d become more conscious
And perhaps I’d learn to inquire
What’s going on when I feel
The need to zone out
Ask the hard questions
What’s this all about?
I took the time to paint her
(I made her super cool)
Because she serves a purpose
She’s trying to calm the whirlpool
Of emotions that my exiles
Don’t feel save to yet share
So, I think that makes her a part
That really and truly cares
Could I maybe start seeing her
As a compassionate
Shielding friend?
Who simply wants to protect me
To the very end
Maybe if I stop judging her
And giving her grief
She could find another way
To start helping me?
Finally, the one thing
That I love the absolute most
About this IFS book
That has kept me engrossed
Is when Schwartz talks about our ‘Self’
(with a capital ‘S’)
It’s that internal part
That always knows best
We all have a ‘Self’
Every single human being
But it’s so often drowned out
By all the fighting between…
Our different parts that are completely
And utterly polarised
Our Self ‘should’ be leading
Instead of babysitting our tribes
When differentiated
The ‘Self’ is confident and secure
It’s able to listen to feedback
It’s relaxed and reassured
The ‘Self’ joyful, it’s happy
It has no need for pretence
It can learn from mistakes
Without taking offense
No ‘Self’ is ever broken,
No ‘Self’ needs to be fixed
All it simply needs is for us
To start to distinguish it…
From the different parts in our system
All seeking to be stabilized
Unfortunately, with our immature parts
That price is always high
Because by hiding all our injuries
And traumas away
They start to escalate polarizations
That can lead to decay
An IFS therapist can help you
Untangle your different parts
Unravel all the strings
That are pulling on your heart
‘Self’ has healing qualities
That distinguishes it from the rest
That of curiosity
Connectedness
Compassion
and
Calmness
When I read this chapter
I felt proud and so very pleased
That I’ve started to connect so much more
With the ‘Self’ in me
My “Internal mother” would be my ‘Self’
(I always thought she was a part)
It was nice to simply realise
She’s the centre of my heart
I love so much how Dr Schwartz
So emphatically believes
We all have the ability to help our ‘Self’
Differentiate and achieve…
A calmness to the voices
An understanding of why they distract
An awareness of their vulnerability
The ability to NOT react