Approximate Reading Time: 18 min

I am very conscious that my neurotic energy is rampant at the moment.

I haven’t journaled in almost 2 weeks

I am struggling to focus on anything

I am thinking about everything

I have been eating crap since December

I am ashamed to admit I haven’t done my yoga or pilates ONCE this year

(It’s utterly disgraceful I know!)

On the plus side…

.I haven’t been watching crap on youtube

I finished a masters proposal

I looked after a very needy but loveable dog

Aaaand I am ‘attempting’ to date again

(Small wins!)

But still, I feel the need to highlight this manic, fission of nueroticness!

I have no qualms in admitting

I am quite comfortable embracing that label.

I have spent years trying to convince myself that I was “Rachel” from friends…

Cool, calm and aloof.

But alas I am not.
I am Monica.

It was a hard pill to swallow the first time my therapist referred to me as ‘being neurotic.’

(You are NOT allowed to say that out LOUD, are you????!!!)

I have grown some since then.

Let’s face it there are A LOT worse things I could be in the world.

(Besides which, us neurotics are quite loveable really)

I am very conscious that dating brings out the worst part of my neurotic tendencies.

(I’m not blind to that.)

While it seems to be a great source of laughter in our flat….

(Me and my dating escapades…..)

I do realise that I have made online dating into a kind of sport

that I mock continuously.

I am thinking about stopping that…

(Truly I am)

But then I start worrying….

OMG

What would I write about if I wasn’t single ??????

Some of my dating posts are my BEST work!

Then I worry about what happens when I actually find a guy I really like and he

uncovers my blog posts and discovers what I’m doing!

(The secret espionage)

No one will EVER want to date me!

Maybe I should stop writing!!!

(Sigh, unfortunately, I can’t.)

Maybe I should stop dating ?????

(Sigh, I can’t do that either….)

I have a challenge to complete.

(Plus there is that small thing of not wanting to die alone!)

The Good news is I have started writing a book.

It’s going to be called

(Ok the title might need some work!)

I figure, If I scrounge through all my blog posts over the last 15+ years or so I will have at least 5 chapters written already.

I wrote another chapter this week.

I could tell you all about it…

(Last week I only gave you a brief synopsis)

but I need people to buy my book, one day,

so you are going to have to wait.

The last chapter will be the happy-ever-after-chapter when I finally meet someone and we ride off into the sunset together.

(The hopeless romantic that I am!)

And all those

out there

Who thought

“Dam but there is no way this chick is EVER going to meet ANYONE at this rate!”

YOU WILL SEE!

YOU will see!

So far I have messaged 36 men….

(Good grief I’m not even past the halfway mark.)
39 to go !!!!

Still no date number 3 on the horizon….

Although tonight I do have a date with a gorgeous 5-year-old little boy, Shahil, who seems to think I’m pretty cool stuff.

I have it under good authority that his other babysitter is not nearly as cool as me.

(and I quote)

“She really annoys me a lot you know Gayle”

On inquiring as to whether or not I annoy him?

I got a very cute and emphatic head shake.

“No, no you NEVER annoy me, Gayle!”

Out of the mouths of babes

There is hope for me yet!

Now all I need to do is find a 6-foot, cowboy, who is sensitive, brave, affectionate, funny, intelligent, loves dogs, doesn’t snore,

AND who I don’t annoy!

(Oh and who doesn’t annoy me!)

That’s not asking tooooo much

is it Universe?

Written 21^st – 23^rd September 2021

The one about the really sucky teacher

Today was a reminder

Of something I’d rather not know….

There are DAMAGING people

Wherever you go

Funny after my experience

With that autistic child last week

That I would land up in a class

Even more miserable and bleak

6 adults

 8 students

(Not your typical teens)

All of them non-verbal

 Mental ages of about three

I was working as an assistant

Supporting one boy

(I love working one-to-one

It’s always a joy)

The teacher was useless

She spent the whole day at her desk

Her lack of attunement with the kids

Was mildly grotesque

At one point she sat

On her phone for a whole hour

(Honestly, it made

My heart slightly sour)

No one-to-one teaching

Was done the WHOLE DAY

 No attempt to help

These kids to engage

She was rude and dismissive

Made no effort to explain

What my child was like

(What he’d need to feel contained)

 A child who I actually

Later found out

Was supposed to have two

Support adults about

Simply handed a packet:

 “Do this with him”

That was how

The day would begin

It was the Teaching Assistants

Who quietly pulled me aside

Explained about the children

And what I would find

******

Bradley was the boy

Who had been assigned to me

With a deadpan look

(Probably about fifteen)

Bradley was pretty tall

Easily 6 foot

 With an obsession with water

(It seemed he was hooked)

He’d often bolt from the table

Run for the door

Make a dash for the taps

Which he clearly adored

He wasn’t violent or angry

But cheeky as hell

 Considering all this

 My day with him went well

Except for the time

I had to bring him back to class

After a session with the optometrist

(Such a simple task)

But with the optometrist and myself

Not knowing this man-child

Bradley saw his chance to escape

His chance to run a wild

The two of us together

Couldn’t hold him back

At the top of some stairs

With no way to backtrack

I was told by the phase leader

At the beginning of the day

“You haven’t been trained to ‘handle’

No restraining, step away.”

So I made an executive decision

 I’d need to go with his flow

At some point we’d meet someone

Who would know…

How to help and get

The escapee back to class

 We walked the school for ages

Until finally, we passed…

Another teacher, I implored her

(Rather feebly)

“Please I need help ASAP!”

A male assistant ran out

He took Bradley by his arm

Turned him around

ever so calm….

“Oh, Hello Cheeky

I know how you can be”

 (There was absolutely none

of the resistance he’d had with me)

Laughing he said

“Bradley is simply trying it on

He knows you are a newbie

 He’s having a little fun!”

Bradley was now smiling

From ear to ear

(Clearly, our mini adventure

Had brought him some cheer)

When we got back to class

The teacher was irritated as hell

(Oh my god this woman and I

DID NOT gel!)

 I was requested to explain

 (Repeatedly)

 How it was that this child

Got away from me

“I’m sorry”

I said

 (Standing my ground),

“He was too strong for us

so we both found

I’m not tussling with a child

At the top of a flight of stairs.”

Honestly did she even

Really genuinely care

I don’t know this school

It’s my first bloody day

What else did this woman

Want me to say

I mean seriously could she

Cut me some slack!

It wasn’t even professional

That I had been left like that…

In my head I hear Neurotic Angel

“See here you go again

Conflict with others

You are always to blame!“

 But although I heard her

I paid her no heed;

The voice of my internal mother

Was clearer in me…

“Well done for standing up

For finding your words

People like her

Are what’s wrong with the world

She clearly has no compassion

She’s only worried about looking bad

You made the best decision

With the choice that you had.”

One of the teaching assistants came

(Over after a while)

Whispered

“You should NEVER

have been left ALONE with that child.”

Vindication I tell you!!!

(That shut Neurotic Angel up!)

It’s always nice to have

A little emotional backup

******

And then there was Anna

Who was only 13

Anna’s anxiety was so heartbreakingly

 Visible to see

She sat hyperventilating

For most of the day

Clutching some puzzle pieces

Refusing to play

So dysregulated

So stuck

In debilitating fear

She would grab your hands

Whenever you’d go near

 Digging in her nails

 (It hurt like shit!)

I wondered what message

 She was trying to transmit

 What sensory challenges

Might she be trying to sooth

What was she trying to express

What was her truth

Without having language

Did Anna physically want you to feel…

What was going on inside of her

 Her pain that was real

What didn’t help was her loud

Bullish T.A

 Who kept shouting at her

In absolute dismay

Like this child was simply

Choosing to harm

How is shouting ever going

To help this child calm

I inquired if her anxiety

Had always been this bad

Was this constant hurting of others

A trait she’s always had

The answer was sadly

A definite

“No…

It only started when the class

Was rearranged a week ago“

Ok, fair enough!

She hasn’t adapted

Well to the change

But what systems are in place

To help Anna re-engage

Where is the sensory input

That she so desperately needs

Or the action plan to help

Calm her anxiety

******

Kerry was disabled

She was stuck in her chair

Her arms covered with scars

From biting herself there

She was wearing a pink

Full-body bathing suit

Which I initially found strange

A little hard to compute

Until I realised how she ripped

And tore everything that came…

Into her contact

Throughout the whole day

All she does is flail her arms

Shout and spit

 I was warned by her TA

That she too’ll bite and pinch

“No one goes near her

Make sure you stay far away”

 So, Kerry pretty much sits there

The whole fucking day

Absolutely NOTHING was done with her

(Not one little thing)

How is that not so completely

And utterly degrading

I don’t have the answers

But any human would be crushed

 If they spent most of their days

 never being touched

By end of the day Kerry’d

Ripped the pink suit to threads

(But I guess that’s understandable

With nothing to do instead)

******

Sandra is tall and gangly

With the loveliest T.A

(How she stays calm with that child

is impossible to say)

Sandra pretty much shouts

the whole entire time

Often needing two to restrain her

When she can’t calm down

 She wears a helmet because

She routinely headbutts

What sets this child off

is never clear-cut

 I learnt this the hard way

When I attempted to take

A book away from her

(A rooky mistake)

I had the good intention

of reading aloud to her

But I got her message

So loud and clear

******

Darrin was a gorgeous

Movie star-looking boy-man

 Who should have been inundated

With admiring girl fans

With a smile so radiant

He lights up any room

An obvious allure to my

Ellie Saab perfume

A couple of times he’d sit sniffing

With a huge grin on his face

 (Note to Self:

NO perfume when next

You’re back at this place)

But apparently the reason

The whole class had been changed

Was because of Darren’s behaviour

Which can be so hard to tame

Apparently, his meltdowns

Are worse than the rest

(It’s hard to imagine this sweet boy

Ever getting distressed)

He was the only child willing  

To bounce a ball to me in P.E

 He seemed happy to engage

(If only momentarily)

What broke my heart

He sat most of the day outside

 Sitting against a wall

Like he had been exiled

There was nothing in the playground

For these kids to even do

Just grass and dirt

Not even an old tyre or two

I asked if perhaps

There was a ball I could throw

 To continue building the connection

We had started to grow

I was firmly informed

“No toys outside at all!”

Seriously?

Not even

A stupid fucking ball?

So, we sat together in the dirt

Throwing an old broken pot around

In this day and age

 I am completely confound

How these kids could be treated

With such blatant disregard…

As if their lives aren’t already

 So incredibly hard

 At one time I managed

To coax him inside

 Would he do some work

Would he perhaps give it a try

He nodded and grinned

That movie star smile

A look that left me feeling

Ever so slightly beguiled

Of course, there was nothing

 Set for him to do

So, I asked a T.A

What I could choose

She motioned to a box of puzzles

I quickly grabbed one

It was a 3-year-old puzzle

In 30’s seconds he was done

Darren stood up in frustration

The energy he gave off

Was one of utter exasperation

(And frustration of course)

His Internal thoughts radiating

So clearly through

  “Good God isn’t there anything

Anything else we can do?

Seriously lady

 I am so incredibly bored!

 I honestly don’t want

To do this anymore!”

He walked back outside

Sat back down in the dirt

I had had the briefest of chances

 (It seems I blew it!)

I felt so frustrated and angry

As I do believe

This child is more intelligent

Than he is perceived

With the right teacher who genuinely

Cares about his needs

Who is willing to set work

That he can appropriately achieve

Whose idea of teaching

Isn’t YouTube the whole day

Who realises the importance

Of children learning through play

Who believes in his ability

To learn no matter how slow

Who is eager to challenge him

Who believes he can grow

So yes, I can now imagine

 When this poor child

Has had his fill of feeling

Like an alienated exile

That he might eventually snap

And simply loose it

I’m sure sitting in dirt

Must feel pretty shit

******

So, I came home last night

I just couldn’t shake this cloud

In this day and age

 How is this still allowed?

In a school that has ‘outstanding’

For their last Ofsted report

The system is so flawed

If this is all the support

That these poor children get

It’s an absolute disgrace and a farce

I mulled over all these feelings

as I climbed into the bath

I lay there feeling numb

I had a good cry

I was present and conscious

of this all-consuming “Why?”

Why do other people’s pain

Cause so much upset

Why is it so hard for me

To just let go and forget

Like a flag in the wind

With so little control

When this feeling of sadness

Firmly grabs hold

But another part of me was present

 She was holding my hand

She said I love you always

I am here

I understand