Approximate reading time: 15 minutes

Written the 20th -26th of October 2021

I feel like a stuck record

I’m mildly annoyed

Another week goes by

 Being unemployed

No voice and a cough

That sounds horrendous

It’s driving me insane

 Being stuck at home like this

I’ve spent the last 3 days

 “Attempting to rest”

But between you and me

All I feel is depressed

Being sick is so dull

 I’ve had my fill of Netflix

Although I watched a movie today

That had me transfixed

A beautiful movie

 Made in South Africa

About a black parking attendant

Called “Angeliena”.

 Her dreams that she carried

To always travel the world

The struggles and the heartache

 She had to endure

 Just a beautiful reminder

 Of my old home

Of the radiant

Colourful people

That are South African-grown

But also, such a sad reminder

Of the prevailing toxicity

The role racism plays

How it permeates our society

It was funny…

It was sweet…

It made me cry…

It made me proud to be South African

And sad I said goodbye

But the main reason

(I think)

My emotions were so inflamed

Was it made me think of Anna

And all my tangled

Grief and shame

I haven’t written about Anna

Or the role that she played

 Contributing to the person

 That I am today

A part of me now realises

I have a lot of healing to do

Because when I think of Anna

Only raw emotion seeps through

The grief at times

 Still hits me in my gut

I feel tainted by guilt

So very stuck

It’s funny how we hold

On to stupid things that we do

Unable to release them

And let healing through

If I was an actress and I needed

 “Memory-driven-tears”

I’d think of Anna

In an instant, I’d be there

Anna came to work for my parents

 When she was 33

She was hired as a domestic

And to be our nanny

She recalled arriving at the interview

My mum opened the front door

 With a toddler on her hip

And a toddler on the floor

Both kids were screaming

Anna said Mum looked so tired

Mum said she was the only applicant

 She was immediately hired

Anna moved in with us

She had her own room in the garden

(In those days in South Africa

that was pretty much ‘in’)

The sad reality

Of those apartheid times

So many people of colour’s choices

Were so rigidly confined

Anna never married

She was mostly with us

She channelled our family

 With all of her love

She only went home about

 Once or twice a year

She dedicated her life

To give us care

I often heard the joyful story

Of the day I was born

 How Anna phone my grandparents

 And shouted like a bullhorn

 “We have a girl

We have a girl”

She was so incredibly happy

In many ways Anna

Was another mother to me

Or perhaps a big sister

The lines were so blurred

She’d called my parents

“Mummy” and “Daddy”

 (Like she too was a little girl)

But she called my brothers and I

(On the other hand)

  ‘Her children

Her babies’

And so, we came to understand

That she was part of our family
Anna was one of us

It’s undeniable we all loved

Her so incredibly much

,

Anna did have a son

Whom she adopted as a baby

(I think this was around

About the age of 23)

He was her sister’s child

Who then lived with her mum

But Anna provided financially

For him from very young

His name was Victor

She adored him so

She was proud of the man

Into which he had grown

One Sunday when Victor

Was about seventeen

He had been studying for exams

So diligently

His friends tried to coax him

“Come to the beach for the day

We’re all catching the bus

Leave your work

Come and play!”

Victor ignored their requests

He said a firm no

He needed to study

 It was a definite no-go

But as fate would have it

He suddenly changed his mind

His friends had to stop the bus

So, he could get on in time

While swimming in the sea

 Later that same day

There were strong rip tides

That came into play

A girl got caught in them 

She was being pulled out

Victor swam to help her

When he heard her desperate shout

When the lifeguards finally reached them

 They could only save the girl

Victor died a hero that day

In the sea’s vicious swirl

Such a poignant reminder

One choice can change it all

If only Victor had stayed home to study

(Or not tried to save her at all)

Every Sunday Anna went fishing

It was something she adored

But that Sunday she came running

Excitedly through our front door

Shouting:

“Mummy, mummy

Come look

Come and see

Look how much fish I’ve caught;

Can you even believe?”

Holding up two huge handfuls

With such exuberant joy

Anna was so happy and excited

Not the least bit shy or coy

Rattling off the names

Of our family friends

Already mentally planning

 How much fish she was going to send

(The dramatic irony)

 The same sea

That had given her these gifts

 Had taken something from her

Far more precious than this

Anna’s scream was penetrating

 As she fell to the floor

 Clinging to my mother

Her emotions so raw

That was the first time ever

I consciously implored God

“Like seriously?

What’s up

With playing the fish card?”

 I thought

“Keep your bloody fish

Give Anna back her child!” 

My five-year-old brain

Did its best to reconcile

My emotions and feelings

About what happened that day

I had to figure out what

The universe was trying to say

So, I came to the conclusion

Perhaps the ocean was also sad

And it’s only way to apologise

Was to simply give all it had

Perhaps a loving gesture

The oceans ‘white dove’  

The universe acknowledging her pain

Sending her its love

It made sense as a child

Simply because

Of how amazing and loving

Anna always was

My parents, bless them

 Had always wanted Anna to have

The experience of travelling

 (Like we all had had)

 So, in 2001

They brought her overseas

To come have a holiday and spend time

With my brothers and me

She got to see London

 North England and Amsterdam

We got to experience

Anna’s joy first-hand

Because when Anna was happy

You couldn’t help but feel touched

She had a playfulness about her

That quite simply gushed

As she’d tell you all her stories

 (Pure excitement in the air)

I clearly come from a line

Of women raconteurs

Like when she saw a ‘white painter’

On a London Street

And she ran up to him

(Anything but discrete)

Informing him in all honesty

That she was completely in shock

“In South Africa only black people

 Would do a painting job!”

She then asked him for a picture

She needed evidence

Because she absolutely HAD

To show all of her friends

Anna had this childlike playfulness

 That she often shared with my dad

The two of them made

A hilarious dyad

I always remember them roaring

As they were watching TV

(Laurel and Hardy

Johan van de Walt

and Orkney Snorknie)

Whenever those two laughed

You just couldn’t help but join in

Them laughing together

Was truly the funniest thing

Looking back there were obvious complications

Between my mum and her

By this emotional line

That was so very blurred

It felt like my mum loved

And resented her

all at once

Without Anna, she knew

She’d never have got all she did done

But I can only imagine how hard

It was for my poor Mum

To share her children’s devotion

With an extra someone

But for all of their issues

That they might have had

At my mum’s last birthday ‘tea’

They almost sat hand in hand

I watched in amazement

 Anna perched by my mum’s side

Like two best friends reminiscing

About the memories of their lives

I was sick that weekend

 I only stopped in for a short while

I had no energy for people

 I was finding it hard to smile

Anna was going home the next day

 So, I did feel rather bad

For not hanging around longer

Saying goodbye she looked so sad

As she walked me to the car

And then stood on the stairs

It’s the look on her face

That still brings me to tears

Because Anna knew she was dying

 She just never told any of us

I guess she quite simply didn’t

 Want us all to make a fuss

But in all honesty

It hurts more than I can say

That she never gave us the time

To say goodbye in our own way

Instead

I half-heartedly

Offered to take her shopping

Perhaps get her some clothes

For my brother’s upcoming wedding

She shook her head quietly

 Deep down did she know?

That there was a real possibility

 She would be a no-show

 I remember feeling relieved

I just wanted to get home

I have this image of her standing there

So sad and so alone

If I’d  known it was the last time

 I would get to see her

I would quite simply never

EVER have deferred

I would have hugged her and told her

How much she was adored

I would’ve stayed for my mum’s last birthday

Despite it all

Anna died in the hospital

Literally 3 days before

My brother’s long-awaited wedding

 That she had been so excited for

“My big boy’s getting married”

I can almost hear her croon

We only found out that she was ill

 On the Wednesday afternoon

But even then

She never told us

Her family members did

To this day I still don’t get why

 She had to keep this hid

I planned to drive to the hospital

To see her the next day

Anna died that night

And I never got to say…

Everything that I so desperately

Carried in my heart

My love and my gratitude

For her ‘oh-so-important’ part

For her consistency

 Her sense of humour

For never holding a grudge

Boy, could she get mad with us

And yet I never felt too much

I honestly can’t remember

One specific time

Anna shouted or chastised me

 For any of my crimes

Because even when she yelled

(And believe me, she could)

It never felt personal

What was always understood

Was that it was the behaviour

 Or an action that needed to stop

It was never done in rage

Never shaming or over the top

 The next minute it would be over

We could simply move on

To this day it’s something

 I so want to pass on

To all the kids I work with

Every single day

You can make mistakes

Get in trouble

But we will still be ok

So My Dearest Anna

There is so much I need to share

Because I still struggle so much

With you not being there

I remember when you died

I didn’t know what to do

A whole weekend wedding

(Feigning happiness

Without you)

That Friday morning

Before I left

I prayed to God

(I literally begged)

That he would please help me

To be okay

That he would somehow banish

All my tears away

I was calm and centred

That whole weekend

Like you were with me Anna

 Did your spirit attend?

But that was then

And this is now

Today I became conscious of something

 That I have disavowed

That when I think of you

 Anna, all that comes up inside

Is this huge gaping hole

A desperate need to cry

And if I look deep in that hole

I realise what’s true

Anna, I am really and truly

So bloody angry with you

Seriously why didn’t you

 Give us all the chance?

To love and spoil you

Why couldn’t we have known in advance?

We brought you down to spend Christmas

With us EVERY SINGLE YEAR

But for your very last Christmas

It was decided we would change gears

We planned separate Christmas’s

No, we wouldn’t be bringing you down

To spend time with us because

We were all out of town

When telling you I remember

 How you seemed so sad

Why didn’t you say anything

 When you knew

How little time you had?

None of us would EVER

Have left you alone that last year

Had we known what was going on

We would’ve showered you with care

And fucking hell why did you tell

My mother’s dear friend

And the cleaner in my house

 That your time was near the end?

And swear them both to secrecy

“Where was your head at?”

We were your family Anna

How could you forget that?

Although in fairness I’m not speaking

On my family’s behalf

Perhaps I should simply own

It’s me who’s fucked off!

I know in my head

 You had the right to choose

How to handle your death

The best way for you

But my heart doesn’t get it

 Not then and not now

Five years later I’m still left

 With this internal row

Because my Yaai- Paai if you thought

You were sparing us the pain

Then I am respectfully going to say

That’s a little insane

Because I don’t know how to get closure

I don’t know how to let go

When there is so much in my heart

 I still want you to know

When mum died only 7 months

After your death

I couldn’t help but feel grateful

That I could simply be there

To love and support her

 It was a beautiful space

Filled with kindness

Acceptance

 Tenderness

And grace

It was our time to finally heal

And gently restore

The rocky relationship

That started years before

So, as I am writing this now

With a tear-stained face

I’m mindful of all this anger

 That is so terribly misplaced

Because every time I think of you

Anna, all that comes up is shame

And at this point I don’t know how

 To release all this pain

The thought of you going through

All of that grief on your own

Breaks my heart repeatedly

I never wanted you to feel alone

So, I realise that maybe

 I haven’t moved through grief’s angry phase

And this is what leaves me

Feeling stuck to this day

Your mother lived into her 90’s

Anna you were not supposed to die!

You were the one who was going to live

To the ripe age of ninety-nine!

Secretly I’ll admit

I felt smug I had two mums

If one of them died early

I’d still have a spare one

It was like having an insurance policy

It alleviated my fears

But I didn’t expect to lose you both

In the same fucking year

All I want Anna is to remember you

With fondness and care

Without the sadness and emptiness

That now resides there

So, I’m making the space

 For all this grief inside of me

Because when there is space

 Compassion starts to breathe

And when compassion is present

Then forgiveness will grow

Not so much for you Anna

It’s for me I know

Because it’s my words and actions

That I stubbornly cling to

I know this anger really

Has nothing to do with you

It just masks my deep sadness

Anna, I miss you so much

I’m so sorry that I have held onto

This stupid childish grudge

Please know that I love you more

(Than I can ever say)

I am grateful for the role

In my life, that you played

For your laughter My Yaai-Paai

Your endless supply of hugs

Your patience

Your consistency

Your unconditional love