Approximate reading time: 12 minutes
Written the 3rd November 2021
I’m so proud
I’m so happy
I do declare
I’m a Bitch Narky Fink
And I don’t even care
I’m no longer keeping quiet
Just shutting my mouth
When toxic people behave badly
I’m gonna shout it out!!
I had a horrible morning
In a lovely class
The teaching assistant
Was atrocious
(Not even pretending
To wear a mask)
Let’s call her “Bellona“
(The Roman Goddess of warfare)
A tad bit dramatic?
Well, you had to be there…
I’m pretty good
(I think)
At sussing out difficult staff
In fact
I might have got it
Down to a fine art
Their need for superiority
(To be the top dog)
I’ve met these kinds
Too many times in this job
The narcissist’s wound
Impacts their need for control
With the manipulation of others
Often being their end goal
Stemming from growing up
Feeling powerless
It becomes their defence mechanism
In an attempt to redress
That balance of power
That was lost long ago
To defend the wound
That they don’t want on show
Knowing this has often helped
Get them on my side
(Nothing cynical
Nothing at all snide)
It comes with this awareness
Of how to carefully tread
That fine line of respecting
Their influence instead
Often feeling territorial
Over ‘their’ class
Being considerate of that
Usually means a good forecast
I have on the odd occasion
Sat back and simply let
A TA teach a lesson
If it will peace beget
Because they know their kids
So many are good at what they do
If you are caring with the children
Then I’ll happily support you
Then on the odd occasion
You meet someone like THIS
It’s this instinctive reaction
Something is amiss
This visceral feeling
That hits me in my gut
“This is someone
You cannot trust!”
No mutual respect
“Bellona” wasn’t at all friendly
Not even an inch
Of kindness or comradery
“Bellona“ helped me with NOTHING
She even rolled her eyes
When I tried to ask her a question
She didn’t attempt to disguise…
Her disdain
Her contempt
That she felt for me
(It’s never personal
But that doesn’t make it ever easy)
I’m not blind to the fact
It’s also got to do with me
Meeting toxic types
Sets off my triggers easily
Because alas, yes
I too have a narky part
Lest we forget Mara-Kares
The defender of my heart
If she senses that energy
Of haughtiness and control
Instinctively her emotional
Boundaries will unroll…
She has learnt to stand firm
Not fizzle away
She sends a clear message
“I won’t be pushed around today.”
But what upset me the most
With delightful “Bellona“
Was her angry
Overly critical
And irritable persona
Her energy with the kids
Was anything but kind
Barking impatiently at them
No presence of mind
And that is what I
HATE
Absolutely more than anything
People who are mean to kids
Are so bloody triggering
So where do I start
With this endless list
Of the many times
I was overtly dismissed
It felt like everything I asked
Was silently spurned
“Bellona” was oppositional
At each and every turn
If I tried to get the class’s
Attention to speak
She’d completely ignore me
(Like I was speaking Greek)
So, I’d repeat the instruction
(To the whole class)
And wait patiently for
Quietness to amass
No such luck it seems
“Bellona“ is selectively deaf
She continues chatting to the children
(Fuck I need a ref!)
I asked her to please
Support a group during English
She looked at me like
I was now speaking Finnish
“They don’t need ANY help
They work fine on their own”
(Oh my God it’s like getting
Blood from a stone)
In PHSE we were learning
How to keep ‘private parts’ safe
Personally, the most important lesson
We need to teach kids today
That they have the power to stand up
And simply say no
That people hurting their bodies
Is a definite no go
She pulls a child up from the carpet
To go with her and read
I politely requested the child stay
This was important for her to see
“Bellona“ was livid
She glares a look
“Bitch die!”
Mara-Kares held her glare
Unfazed eye-to-eye
She spits out
“She doesn’t need to do PSHE
She needs to come
And she needs to read”
It was beyond unprofessional
Done in front of the whole class
I felt frozen
I felt stuck at an impasse
I remained silent because honestly
What could I say?
(Clearly, I’m not
The teacher today)
Just before lunchtime
I suddenly see
Children walking out of class
With no word from me
Returning with coats
I’m a little confused
I’m still teaching the lesson
They hadn’t been excused
Of course, she’s dismissing them
At her own accord…
And it was at this point in time
I couldn’t take it anymore
Because never in my life
(And I’ve been doing this a long time)
Have I worked with a TA
Who is the opposite of alkaline
I asked her to please
Just let me know
What the routines are in the class
When and where the kids should go
She snaps at me furious
“The children know what to do”
What part of
“I AM the teacher!”
Is not getting through?
Because if something
ANYTHING ever happens to a kid
Who do you think will be responsible
And then have to live…
With the consequences and repercussions
I can guarantee
It will always be the teacher
And yes today THAT’S me!
I’m happy to continue with ANY systems
Already in place
Just have the manners to explain them
Upfront to me
Face to face
Rather than attempting to undermine
Everything I do
I wish I’d had the courage
To speak my whole truth
But I did say:
“I am the teacher
So please could you tell me”
At which point she stood up
And yelled bitterly
“How dare you speak to me
Like that in front of the kids”
And she stormed out of class
(In a flat tailspin)
I wasn’t really shocked
Or even appalled
I’ve seen this type of behaviour
So many times before
Little toddlers
Who’ve quite simply
Never grown up
Unable to deal with their emotions
They are rude and abrupt
And it’s so predictable how people
With high traits of narcissism
Are unable to handle feedback
Or any ‘perceived’ criticism
And when you attempt to speak up
All they feel is blame
Blowing up is their attempt
At reflecting their own shame
And all of a sudden you will find
Them pinpointing you
With all of their faults
(That they hope will stick like glue)
“Bellona” stormed out to complain
To the teacher next door
Who then walked into the class
And was at a loss when she saw
Me teaching the children
(AND doing a good job)
She hung around a bit
Before returning to my lynch mob
Because undoubtedly
The staff know what this TA is like
Easier to humour difficult people
Than deal with their bite
But I was consciously aware
This time I was strong
I didn’t start blaming myself
Trying to pin-point my wrong
I didn’t cry or dysregulate
(Well not that very much)
Although at lunchtime
I saw
My cheeks were crimson-flushed
I didn’t attempt to verbally
Make ‘peace’ or engage
In a desperate effort
“Bellona’s” feelings to assuage
I didn’t find myself trying
To explain or defend
(Usually driven by a need
To clear my name, make amends)
Because I have done all of that
And so much more, in the past
I’ve learnt defending is futile
You usually come last
Masters of projection
They’ll so easily reflect
What’s going on for them
Inside their head
You’ll be gaslighted and tarred
With the most fantastical crimes
You’ll be left with egg on your face
Most of the time
You can’t argue a point rationally
Or clarify your truth
With people who will happily
Lie about you
And in fairness, I don’t think
It’s a conscious thing…
Their defence mechanism is simply
To project everything
I’m so grateful to have learnt
From Dr Ramani
How to be conscious of the red flags
That I initially might see
D.E.E.P is an acronym
A simple technique
( l have learnt)
To help myself stop
Continually getting burnt
This simple reminder
Has helped me to immunise…
Myself against the toxicity
That can be thrown at you
To remind me to take a breath:
“This has nothing to do with you”
But something I did do
For the first time
(I reported her narky arse
I outlined her crimes)
I did!
I did!
I went straight to the top
I shared her behaviour with the head teacher
Because this toxicity needs to stop!
These noxious people
Are like tiny pustules
That languish and infect
So many of our schools
Children should be our most
Valued commodities
Schools should be kind spaces
Free from animosity
The sad reality is many children
Already live in toxic catacombs
That frankly would never
Be classified as safe homes
So, I ignored Neurotic Angel
Telling me not to be a snitch
I embraced the reality
That I might be dubbed a bitch
Because I’m so done
I’m so over
Turning a blind eye
Which seems to become the norm
When you are a supply
But the beauty of my job
Is I never need to go back
I simply won’t accept any more work
From that school on my app
Because there are hundreds
And hundreds of schools every day
So many other jobs
Continually coming my way
But what surprised me the most
Was how the complaint was received
(The complaint that was made
By little old me)
The head teacher was understanding
The impression I got
Perhaps not the first complaint about “Bellona”
(Mmm…maybe not)
He was grateful, reassuring
He couldn’t stress enough
How sorry he was
That my day had been tough
I felt valued
I felt seen
I felt relatively proud
I found my voice
I expressed my concerns
And feelings out loud
But wait!!
But WAIT!!!
The absolute best part of my day
I didn’t need to rush home
(Not straight away)
With no online teaching
I could simply take my time
Grab a coffee, chill out
Document my life in rhyme
So I’m sitting in Starbucks
Drinking a Chai
Writing this poem
Watching people go by
Then I get to go home
And have a relaxing bath
Looking forward to tomorrow
My mid-week day off
As well as letting go
Of most of my online kids
I have decided to start
Breaking up my week
I’m only teaching four days
Wednesday will be off
And yes that means
Less money, of course
But at this point in my life
My only concern
Is me being happy and healthy
While learning to discern
What my body needs
To relax and let go
I am figuring it out slowly
Learning to go with the flow
Having faith that the universe
Has other plans for me…
A life that’s calm and happy
A life free from anxiety