This morning I woke up feeling like I’d just slept under a thundercloud.😤Tried to meditate but it didn’t work so picked up my ‘ morning pages book’ that has been relatively untouched for the last…mmmm..28 days. Decided maybe I should start writing again…😓 (Clearly I haven’t reached equanimity status just yet.🤔) Then I decided to message my friend Tracy to offload my day a bit ….she reminded me that I care too much about what others people think (I so do) and then sent me a barrage of motivational quotes like she always does when I am down. (L😍ve that girl) I had to laugh when I got the cupcake one cause that’s kind of how I was feeling. This is what it feels like to write sometimes…

Picture it: you are riding on a beautiful wagon of gratitude. The air is fresh you feel fantastic. You want to shout it to the world and you do! Then ‘life’ happens.. wagon hits a humongous log, you are flung from wagon, land in shit and sit there rubbing your wounds as you attempt to remember what being on that wagon even felt like as you can’t seem to find an inch of gratitude in your heart. 😨Then feel slightly mortified that you wrote a post on gratitude. (What were you thinking?)

So that’s how I felt today. I wasn’t sad really just this underlying pissed-off-ness about something that had happened at work that I couldn’t shake. I am ashamed to say when I’m like that I don’t even ask for my hug in the morning. (Luckily my good friend Constance knows me….and doesn’t take offence😊)

I had my language lesson with my grade one students. One of them is a little Chinese boy called who spoke absolutely no English at the beginning of the year. He seriously is one of the cutest things ever. I teach his brother too, and unfortunately, I sometimes get their names mixed up (It is something I tend to do with all my students at times but these two both get highly pissed when I do it) I then usually have to sit and listen to mumbles of: “No Bambang, me Sammi for the rest of the lesson.” ) Last week as I was walking past him and his brother. Sammy grabs my hand pulls me towards his little brother starts pointing and says: “Look Bambang! MEEEE Sammy nooooo Bambang!!! No Bambang…Sammy!” 
I thank him for clearing that up and said a silent prayer to God: “PLEEEEESE don’t get that wrong again.” 😬
So today Sammy walks in sits down and says: “Molweni abantwana. Hlala phantsi. Unjani?”  (Meaning Good morning children, sit down, How are you?)
Sit there staring at the kid who barely speaks any English but can apparently now speak Xhosa? 
I reply: Ndisaphila enkosi, Usaphila Sammy? (I am fine thank you Sammy and how are you?)

Wide-eyed confusion as Sammy stares at me….and then repeats: “Molweni Abantwana. Hlala phantsi!! “
(I don’t feel too bad about my english language lessons anymore) 
Two minutes into my lesson Sammy starts pointing at and touching my forehead asking: “What this? What this?’
Am slightly horrified…what do I have on my face? He won’t let up so I pull out a mirror to look. Explain to Sammy that that would be a ummm….a wrinkle. 😫We all pull faces to see if we can make wrinkles. …nope apparently not…my face it the only one that wrinkles and crinkles. 😱
At the end of the lesson, I am suddenly dive-bombed by all 3 kids giving me a hug…we literally a fall on the floor laughing. Am mildly touched as they have never done that before….maybe they sensed I needed my hug? (Mmm thanks God😌)
Felt a little better about life but decided I still needed a pow-wow with my therapist to try iron out some residual frustrations. On the off chance I called his secretary to ask if she had a space to see me to see him. She did. Woohoo.. rushed out of school like a bat out of hell to get there on time. I don’t often have impromptu sessions and he was quite surprised to see me. I mean it was just two weeks ago I walked into his office and declared so proudly to him. “I’m fixed!!!” 🙄
So spent about 20 min offloading. ( he knows better than to try to interrupt me while I am speaking. ) ….and ended with: “I’m still broken.” 
He laughed and reassured me I wasn’t broken, I just care too much what people think! And that I tend to be a little hard on myself. Me: “I know this damit all….just fix me already! How much longer do I have to wait?” 
Then he reminded me, as usual, that I am a work in progress and that I just need to take each day as it comes and give myself time. I had strange feeling of Déjà vu…I have heard this many times before….wonder why it doesn’t stick? But I am grateful never the less that I have him in my life.  He is my Buddha…he calms me and he reminds me when I forget that everything will be ok. And that more importantly I am ok! 😁I always leave him smiling. He also keeps reminding me that one day I won’t need other people to remind me….cause it will just have sunk in…for good! (Oh do I hold out hope for that beautiful day😁)

Felt a slight feeling of gratitude start to wash over me again…….but decided I had the afternoon off so I might as well go do some “retail therapy” as well. (You know, one of those “distraction things” I posted about yesterday that we do when we are trying to avoid our ‘ hot mess’…… I did it!!!😂)

All I can say is I am so grateful plaid flannel shirts are back in fashion again. I have waited too long for them to return. I feel like a teenager again. 😂 am slowly climbing back into my gratitude wagon 🤗 thanks for listening

With lots of love 
“Hot mess” in progress 
😂😘🤗🎶🌞🌈🌬🌬🌬🌠🐝