So I have been waking up 4 am for the last two days again… Can’t seem to understand the correlation to me feeling happy and then my body thinking “whoohooo I don’t quite need sleep anymore.” (Note to body: you do!) And I feel flu-like symptoms approaching, exactly one day after I joked with a colleague that: ” I never get sick”😬🤐

So have been lying here chuckling to myself thinking about my pole session last night. What I love about my life now is I seem to have manifested some pretty cool, emotionally supportive, kick arse people into my world that I just love talking to. My pole teacher, Tharine, being one of them. When I started pole I loved some of her posts on her FB page. She is very passionate and inspiring in her writing…and I was secretly jealous (as we know I get)…my secret plea to the universe being: “I want to be able to do that!!!! “😧
So last night our conversation went something like this (I hope she won’t mind me using her as fodder for my ramblings🤔)
Me: ‘So when you started writing your posts…. What did it feel like? Was there a crossover point where you suddenly got over the nerves and just thought ‘hey you can do this?’ ” (Cause there definitely was for me….even though I still have this image of me jumping backwards and forwards over that point.🙄)

Tharine: (look of amusement)
“Um hell no…I just think of something I want to write and write it. I honestly don’t care what other people think, they can unfollow me, defriend me. I just dont care!”

Me: (silent thought..).” I want to throw something at you!💣😒”
(Verbal thought): “Aaahh that’s why I love you!! I’m going to be like that one day you know! 😍”

Tharine: (chuckles) “That’s why I enjoy reading your posts..they are cute….it’s nice watching you crossing over into your confidence.”

(Mmm…cute? Every budding writer’s dream accolade 🤔)

I can sometimes blindly convince myself that all people struggle with their confidence as much as I have, but the reality is many don’t. I have lots of friends, like Tharine, that are just more secure in themselves. I know the reasons of course. (I have spent years psycho-analysing myself you know. 😎) The work of John Bowlby’s attachment theory has been something I found particularly fascinating. In brief, according to him people all have different attachment styles that they have learnt. The three basic types are the secure attachment, (On average about 50% of the population), the anxious attachment (20 % of the population) and the avoidant attachment. (25 % of the population.) Combinations, such as Secure-Anxious or Anxious-Avoidant, are the remaining 3-5% (anxioushttps://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-change-your-attachment-style/)

So, on completing the lovely online test a few years ago (you know those things that I love😍) I came out as …mmm….anxious/ avoidant.😱😭🏃🏃🏃) Great combo that! Sexy as hell…any wonder why I’m still single? On inquiry to my psychologist as to what style he thought I might be? ….he pulled out that classic psychologist question and sweetly asked: “What style do you think you are?” (Grrrrrr😤) On informing him of my self-diagnosis he simply smiled: ” Mmm that sounds about right! ” Sad but true, the chances of an anxious/avoidant snagging a secure mate are minimal. See the depressing thing about attachment types is we are often drawn towards people that are similar to us or that create similar feelings that we are used to. It is for this reason that secure people might often seem boring to a more anxious, drama-prone character. 
In the same respect, many secure people are not interested in the drama or angst that come with dating those less secure types. Hence secure people tend to be attracted to secure people. Secure people get married and produce secure babies. (Granted I am making huge generalisations here….but you get the idea of my dilemma) My problem has never been attracting secure men….(I fake secure really well😂) but once I get them my avoidant part kicks in and I want to run for the hills. (Or on the odd occasion their secure part kicks in and they run for the hills🏃🏃🏃🏃) Both scenarios are equally heartbreaking and painful.💔

So alas, it is easy to see how one might think I am doomed to a life of singlehood, relegated to be the beloved cat lady..till death do us part. 😿
But nooooo there is hope.😂 You see the beauty of knowing your attachment style means you can learn to change it. You can learn to understand yourself more, you can begin to identify your triggers, your anxious thoughts or your avoidant patterns and you can start to become an earned-secure attachment. (Yes there is such a term I promise you😎) 
You can also learn to surround yourself with more secure type friends. You get to watch them, see how they deal with life and actually listen when they give you constructive advice. (I am not talking about those unhealthy people that continually feel the need to point out your flaws while downing their own sorrows in brandy and living lives of absolute denial- we learn not to listen to those people🙉)

A few years ago one of my best friends said to me: (clearly at the end of her tether, but also with the deepest love💖) : “The only thing irritating about you Gayle is you don’t get how amazing you really are!” Ouch, that hurt!!! (All I heard was: “Meee irritating?😱 Nooooooo?😭😭”) But hell, it was seriously one of the best things she could have ever said. Nobody likes hearing anything remotely negative friends, but healthy friendships are about being able to speak your truth and be honest without annihilating your friend’s character. Because I loved this girl, because I valued her opinion and because she had stood by me through so much through the years I had to step out of my pain and ask myself if what she was saying was really true for me. It was a resounding yes.

I have on the other hand had other friends in the past deliver me their hard truths about ‘their perceptions’ of my many flaws….and in quite a few cases I have lost friends because my inner self-has not related or accepted their truths for my life. Learning to stand up and say: “Thank you for your feedback….but I don’t accept that about myself” hasn’t been easy…but it has been such a necessary and valuable part of my inner growth. Now, in many ways I am actually grateful for these people…they pushed me to learn to actually learn to stand up for myself and ultimately helped me to gain more confidence and more understanding of who I am. I have learnt through the years that people are allowed to tell you why they think… you, however, are allowed to either accept or reject it. What an amazing life lesson that has been for this anxious/avoidant. 😄

So I am slowly but eagerly moving towards my ‘earned secure status’ and one of my biggest most valuable teachers has undeniably been Brene Brown. Brene calls herself a shame and vulnerability researcher/ storyteller. What I learned from her is that it is essentially ok to be vulnerable. For years opening my heart meant people continually telling me “don’t feel that way”, “don’t be so sensitive”, “have more confidence”, “stop letting the sadness in”….”heavens above will you stop overthinking everything!!!” In short: “Be less you.” So I spent years trying to train myself out of being me. Brene’s books and videos have taught me the exact opposite. She has taught me that all I really need to do is ‘be me’ and even if only 0.001% of the population can relate to my story then that makes my story worth telling. Brene makes being vulnerable and having an open heart a good thing. She reminds me daily that you can’t get courage without walking through vulnerability. And that courage starts with standing up and being seen-and this means showing our authentic, flawed and wholly imperfect selves to the world. I have an entire cupboard door covered with Brene Brown quotes on courage and vulnerability. Needless to say, I love Brene Brown😍. Her finding the courage to stand up and tell her story gave me the courage to tell mine. For that, I will forever be grateful.

I’m going to end with this Puss in boots clip…😂 for me it sums up the power of vulnerability so beautiful. It’s not always easy, you will get knocked down, many people might want you to shut up but ultimately you can only be stronger for it. As far as I am concerned it really and truly is the unspoken superpower! 😍😘😘😘

Tonight I have a girl date!! Can’t wait🤗

As always thanks for reading! 
Have an awesome evening.

😘😍💖❤👣🙏💃💃💞💥💫🐝