Approximate reading time: 8 min

I feel like I need to apologise for not writing anything ‘fresh’ for the last couple of weeks.

I realise I don’t NEED to but still…there is an explanation.

I am moving again.

If you are getting an uncanny feeling of déjà vu…I apologise.

(Yes, we have totally been here before….)

I have been house hunting (again) for the last 2 months.

The reason for the move shall be unpacked at a later date when I have finished processing it all.

(There has been a lot to process!;-)

I found a gorgeous room in a shared house just before Christmas that then fell through. I failed the referencing due to the annoying fact of not earning enough. Had the estate agent simply asked me what I earned right at the beginning of the whole process they could have saved me 2.5 weeks of my time……but alas they did not.

So there you have it.

Apparently, the average annual London salary is £47 455 a year -of which I am earning almost exactly half of. The internal frustration often goes like this:

If I could just suck it up and get a full-time teaching job my pay scale would be roughly somewhere in between £52 000 -56 000 a year.

Just think….

I could afford to live alone.

I could pay off my student loan.

I would be paid for the school holidays, every year, and I could go galavanting around the globe like I used to in my 20’s and 30’s.

The perks would be endless

(Of course, I’d be an anxious wreck.)

But I would be a financially stable anxious wreck!!!

Unfortunately, despite me having this wistful part that sometimes wishes I could just take door A.

there isn’t an inch of me that wants to commit to a full-time teaching job, ever again.

Case in point:

I went for a trial teaching day on Thursday day for a 2 day a week position in a nursery. The kids were beautiful and super sweet. I had to teach them a PE lesson in the hall. There were two nonverbal autistic children in the class who ran around the hall trying to catch each other while squealing/screaming in delight. Initially, the TA’s tried to catch them but then that turned into a game of cat and mouse that they loved even more….so they were then just left to their own devices.

I was asked to just ignore them.

It was hard.

The noise in that hall was unbearable.

5 minutes into the lesson the sweetest little blond-haired, blue-eyed boy burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably for no apparent reason.

(Except I knew exactly why he was crying.)

He was hypersensitive, overstimulated and completely overwhelmed by all of the noise.

Frankly, so was I.

After about 10 minutes I eventually asked if the two children could perhaps be taken back to class so I could teach the rest of the children….but alas no.

That would not be allowed.

Needless, to say I will not be taking the job.

*****************

As much as I miss my full-time teacher’s salary I am happier without the full-time stress.

(Except of course when I am trying to find a home)

These last couple of weeks, I feel like my entire nervous system has been on red alert.

I finally found a place, two weeks ago, that was willing to accept me with my meagre salary, as I promised to pay them 3 months’ rent in advance.

(All I can say is THANK GOD for credit cards.)

I haven’t signed the lease yet ….so I am still on tenterhooks waiting patiently for that to come through. They just emailed me today to say they will send the ‘tenancy agreement’ just before the move-in date which is planned for the 10th of February

All I want to ask them is

“WTF is wrong with you people?”

Do you not have any idea how stressful it is NOT KNOWING if you have a home to move into or not?

So I am secretly still looking at other places until I have something signed!

Fun Times!

On the bright side:

I am still alive.

I have only seen my therapist twice in the last two months and I feel infinitely stronger at ‘coping’ with life’s stresses more independently.

I have been able to keep my eye on the bigger picture and remind myself that ‘moving is stressful’ and the anxiety I am feeling isn’t permanent.

I started working for an American couple who have adopted 3 old dogs, two of which were rescued from a puppy mill.

(AHHHHHHHH)

Moria’s eyes were so badly infected that they had to both be removed, but she seems to manage just fine with a little love from her sister.

All three of the dogs are adorable and the extra/regular work has been a godsend.

Life is good:-)

(There is always a silver lining somewhere in the chaos)

Written 2^nd April 2022

Black and White

This morning was amazing

 I woke up attuned

Relaxed, calm

Feeling anxiety immune

Of course, it helps

I’m on holiday for two weeks

My only plans are to write

Study, paint and sleep

(How I wish so often

This was all I had to do

Rather than bouncing around

To random different schools)

So, I did my meditation

To a chorus of birds

Waking up to the morning

A symphony to be heard

And I went for walk

 I noticed that

Completely relaxed in my skin

 (Oooooh Fancy that!)

  I was grounded

I was connected

I was not worried about a thing

For a whole 7 minutes

No mindless analysing

“Mmmmm this is nice”

I thought wistfully

Imagine if this could be the

Everyday me!

Then as suddenly as it came

‘Poof!’

It disappeared

As the influx of worries

Magically reappeared

And as I noted my chest

Was constricted and tight

A huge part of me suddenly

Caught up in flight

Yesterday I landed

At a school that didn’t need me

 The booking made by mistake

(By my agency)

So, I had to go home

I had no work for the day

I tried to contact my agency

To enquire about my pay

Because it was their mistake

And yes essentially

I should still get paid

(Oh so obviously)

I called numerous times

 I tried to email

Alas all of it was done

To absolutely no avail

And it triggered this feeling

Of rage within me

I hate feeling ignored

Like people don’t see me

This anger and frustration

This feeling of disconnect

I go into this state of just feeling

So blindly inept

Like I’m not wanted

Are they kicking me out of the marquee

Maybe my time is up

Perhaps they’re tired of me

 Maybe secretly ALL of them

Hold a grudge

“Like dammit this chick

Is really too much!”

And when I feel like this

 I notice I want to run

Sign up for another agency

(Just get it done)

Reject them quickly

Before they reject me

(Good Lord I’m so neurotic

And emotionally needy)

As these emotions erupted

As they swept back in

They tried to elbow me out of

My new grounded skin

But I simply acknowledged

This was my inner little girl

(Which one, honestly

I’m not really sure)

But she just needed a hug

She needed to be held

She needed to be reminded that this wasn’t

The end of the world

I could listen to her story

But I didn’t have to believe

All the neurotic beliefs

She held about me

I told her lovingly

“Wait it out, give it time

Someone will contact you

Everything will be fine!”

And as I walked the canal 

I reached the ugly wreck

(“Uuuuuurg!” it still made me feel

A little bit sick)

 But I decided to take her photo

She needed to be seen

This ugly, rotting

Half-sunken thing

And then I spent today painting

A picture of it

This horrible, old dingy

(That looks like absolute shit)

Because a part of me knows

That I need to make space

In my head for both good

And bad to be embraced

Because there is so much that is broken

So much that’s not right

It’s exhausting living in a world

Made-up of black and white

Maybe, if I can let go of my judgments

For this sight-for-sore-eyes

Then maybe it will help

That truth to internalise

That everything has its place

And the right to just be

Including all the angry

Ugly emotions in me