Approximate reading time: 8 min
Written 10th April 2022
Yesterday I spent
The whole day obsessed
Watching videos on narcissism
(A little stuck in my head)
As I dove down the rabbit hole
Trying to figure out
How to recognise toxic people
(A paranoid-narcissism-scout)
What prompted this fixation
Someone who’s behaviour was bleak
A celebrity behaving badly
At the Oscars this week
I’ll admit when I observed
All their pent-up rage
Bubbling up in front of everyone
Live on that stage
I felt really unnerved
It scared me so
It re-triggered all those fears
“How do you know?”
Who the safe people are
In this crazy-making world
(I’ve been a fan of this actor
Since I was a little girl)
I could never imagine him displaying
As much fury as that
What was behind him getting triggered
Why did he overreact
So, what then procedes
Hours of trying to analyse
The actor and his wife
So I could suitably surmise
Were there red flags
What were the signs
Could I make a judgment
Could I pinpoint their crimes
And it’s ridiculous really
(I know it is!)
But honestly, it’s so bloody
Fucking hard to resist
(I mean ‘kudos’ to me
At least now I don’t still watch
Documentaries on serial killers
Pretty much around the clock)
A step in the right direction
(Wouldn’t you agree)
But my narcissistic obsession
Still fascinates me
I remember years ago
A friend irritably declared
“Why do you do this to yourself…
Why do you EVEN care
These are complete strangers
That you don’t even know
How will wasting time on this
Ever help you grow”
My head knew what she meant
Sure, I understood
The futileness of it all
But the habit withstood
(P.S. A quick reminder:
My ‘self-promise’ earlier this week
That I’m not allowed to judge
Or criticize ANY part of me
My attempt to stop seeing things
As black and white
So down the ‘rabbit hole’ I went
With utter, pure delight)
And funny what I notice
Was a curiosity behind
This constant narcistic obsessing
(This terrible habit of mine)
And I noticed what hit hard
What got me so confused
Was the work that Dr Ramani
Did with these two
Her appearance on their channel
Teaching them all about
The traits of narcissism
How they play out
And it filled me with PANIC
(That was the biggest blow)
How the hell did she MISS it
How on earth didn’t SHE know
She’s the narcissism expert
How did she not see the red flags
Because if she failed to notice them
Then what hope do WE have
Us mere mortals
That live amongst the toxicity
How on earth will we EVER
Keep ourselves safe and narc free
And as I soaked up all of this panic
As I took a step back
I found a little space for compassion
(Mmm imagine that)
The realization that growing up
As a sensitive child
In a home that was chaotic
With a parent so riled
Helps pave the way for this
Beautiful neuroticism
One of the core characteristics of
Growing up with narcissism
Because an unpredictable parent
Who’s unable to be
Stable and consistent
(Which is what EVERY child needs)
Makes you more cautious
More hyper attuned
Your antenna always active
To pick up their mood
Because consciously or not
You recognise them as a risk
And this is then hardwired
Into your emotional disc
Your sensitivity is heightened
You become hyper vigilant
Your experience of the world
So filled with dissonance
It’s like walking on eggshells
As you assess every mood
Anxious and wary
With each person who is new
Which makes life a little exhausting
(Most of the time)
As you are constantly judging
“Is this person safe? Are they fine?
Are they friend? Are they foe?
Is this someone I can trust?
Or will I need to change myself
Will I need to slightly re-adjust?”
And you become the gifted master
Of people pleasing
While inside honestly
You feel like silently screaming
So, I kind of get that for me
Going down the ‘rabbit hole’
Is simply a defence mechanism
That keeps my inner child in control
Because if she can learn from other people
Recognise more red flags
Then perhaps she’ll be less likely
To get caught up in the snags
And in fairness to myself
I just have to say
My years of analysing others
Has worked in a way
Because I have learnt
I have grown
I have become so much more aware
Of the red flags to look out for
The people of whom to beware
And perhaps this also explains
(A little more for me)
Why I constantly feel so hooked
Into negativity
Why I always notice the toxic
Damaging souls
Why I need to keep writing
Warning the world about these trolls
Why I haven’t written on my blog
For over two years
The idea of opening myself up
Triggers way too much fear
And, finally, why all of this
Is quite simply ok
I am perfectly happy with my life
As it is now, today
Because the more awareness I have
The more I will grow
I’ll release old defence mechanisms
My anxiety will plateau
As I learn to integrate
All these feelings of my inner girl
It will take a little time
But I’ll get back into the world