Approximate reading time: 4 min

I have had a pretty good week.

Dare I say it…..???

….but it feels like I am starting to land up at some lovely schools these days…..

Maybe the schools are better

or maybe I am just a bit tougher in myself and not reacting as much, as I used to, to all the horrendous things that do go on in so many of them?

I dunno?

My vote is going to be, me feeling more emotionally resilient –

which does feel pretty amazing.

**************

BUT

can I just ask?

How come,

all of a sudden

now that I am feeling happier in myself,

more comfortable with my aloneness

and just calmer in general….

how come

NOW

I am starting to make lovely new friends

who just seem to get me on so many different levels.

Like what’s up with that universe?

Couldn’t you have sent all these warm empathetic friends

when I was a neurotic anxious mess,

struggling with my anxiety,

drowning in my grief and

dealing with all that

horrible, yukky loneliness stuff?

***************

So, I have had some interesting little dog sitting characters in the last two weeks.

Last weekend I spent one night with Lula.

Lula apparently is not a fan of

new humans.

I was cautiously advised that Lula doesnt like being stroked,

cuddled

or looked at

(Yes you heard me

‘LOOKED AT!’)

but rest assured she WOULD warm up to me…eventually.

Unfortunately, ‘eventually’ never came around for Lula and I.

Lula spent the whole night on her chair eyeing me out suspiciously.

She reminded me of an old character from an Afrikaans TV show that I used to watch as a kid. It was about a little rabbit called Oscar who was continually being chased by a dragon called Knersus.

(I’m pretty sure the only reason I remember that show is because this poor little rabbit lived his life in perpetual fear of being eaten!!)

Funny enough as soon as it came time to go for Lula’s walk she seemed perfectly ok with me touching her to put her leash on. While we were out for a walk Lula randomly came across a car wheel that she seemed a little mesmerized by. I was trying to pull her away from it when a small fox suddenly ran out from under the car and started chasing her…..

(In fairness it looked like a young fox and I am almost certain she just wanted to play…..)

but neither Lula nor I were interested in finding that out…..

Lula ran towards me and feeling a little panicked

( I have yet to encounter a fox on a walk before)

I swept her up into my arms.

Apparently, Lula’s social anxiety about ‘new humans‘ is completely forgotten when she needs rescuing from menacing baby foxes.

When we got to the park, I lay down on the grass….and low and behold Lula came up to me and I got to give her a substantial little belly rub.

(AAhhh we were bonding!)

Once we got back home and I had taken her leash off I tried to stroke my new little friend and Knersus Lula launched at me teeth bared!

Lesson learnt.

We. Are. Not. friends.

(But she was still adorable in her own unique, special little way!)

***************

Last night I had a date with Eddie.

Oh my God Eddie was gorgeous!

(Sorry Lula)

I have seriously never met such an emotive little creature before…..his little facial expressions were the cutest. He had a little red ball that he wanted to play with continually.

(I apologise for the HUGE videos if you are watching on a laptop! But I have not a clue as to how to make them smaller ….)

Dam, I love this job!:-)

Written 3rd June 2021

It’s 3 am

I’m exhausted

I’ve been lying awake since 2

Not sure

 how to decipher

what’s really true

It feels like anxiety

(but I know it’s not)

Just confusion

that causes this anxious

nervous knot

Utter confusion….

Feeling bewildered

and nonplussed

Why is it so hard for me

 to open up and just trust?

Yesterday I realised

that the person I trust the least

is the one that stares back

in the mirror at me

I struggle to trust my perception

listen to my gut

One day, a narcissist loves you

 the next day maybe not

The good days are fantastic

 You gaslight yourself

“See they’re not all bad

leave your negativity on the shelf

Look
they are being friendly

they did something nice

You are just oversensitive

and a little imprecise”

And then the next day it’s gone

 You are completely ignored

Confuse once again

They hate me for sure?

Anger at yourself

for falling yet again

 for naively believing

that they will always be the same

It’s a merry go round

that often feels impossible to escape

You beat yourself up:

“Get it for goodness’s sake“

Don’t let yourself be fooled

 by all that is good

and then gaslight yourself

when they are mean or rude

See it for what it is…

just part of their game

Narcissist love keeping you hooked

And that ties you into your own shame

I wish I had the answers

on how I could trust myself more

But it’s a process

 I’m getting there

slowly

I’m sure?