Approximate reading time: 7 min

I hope you are all well:-)

Today is the one-year anniversary of me posting a blog post every week (at least) for a full year.

(It may not seem like that big a deal to most people

but for me it’s huge!!)

It’s only taken 13 years of intermittent blogging to get here.

I feel infinitely proud and very, very grateful for the people that seem to voluntarily choose to come back and read my writing….;-)

*******

So, I follow a certain youtube presenter

(Let’s call him Steve)

that I kind of have a love-hate relationship with.

(…perhaps ‘relationship’ is not quite the correct word seeing as he has no freaken idea who I am)

There are certain elements of what Steve talks about that I wholeheartedly agree with and I love him for speaking up on so many of the issues that our world seems to be facing at the moment.

Let’s face it, sometimes it feels like the world has gone a little batshit crazy in the last couple of years. I admire the fact that Steve has the courage to call out the bullshit and call a spade a spade.

That being said, every now and then, Steve says stuff that irks the living shit out of me and then I swear myself off him and promise I will NEVER watch any of his videos again!

EVER!!!

(Until a couple of days later, when I get over myself, and I’m drawn back into his den of iniquity.)

I have convinced myself that the reason I keep going back to him is because he teaches me to be just a smidgen more accepting of others. Watching his videos reminds me that the world is not black or white, people are not good or bad….and just because I disagree with someone on one issue doesnt mean I have to agree with them on all issues.

(Plus of course, Steve is pretty entertaining:-)

I can also accept, these days, that anything that enrages me is pretty much a trigger from my own pain body and usually has very little to do with the other person.

(Sigh it’s hard work being self-reflective, ya’ know)

So I’ll give you a ‘mild’ example

(because there have been worse)

A couple of weeks ago Steve passed the comment that:

“Truly happy people

don’t go around telling other people they are happy!”

I wanted to kill Steve.

(Like dead)

A minor overreaction one might say…..?

Never!

…me?

(Yes, yes of course I do realise that he makes a valid point and there was of course ‘context’ to his statement….

But all of that is

TOTALLY IRRELEVANT

to me feeling triggered!)

So being the contemplative soul,

(that we know I am)

….I then had to have a good psychoanalysis of myself in an attempt to figure out why the hell I got so all bent out of shape when I heard him say this …..

…..and this is what I have come up with.

(Are you ready?)

By Steve’s definition the fact that I am telling people that I am happy means…what?

It’s not real?

That I am faking it?

It’s not authentic?

Well, believe me, it’s 100% real

and I have all the ‘unhappiness evidence‘ to prove it.

Yesterday I sat listening to someone lamenting about how horrible London life is.

How she hates it.

How her friends hate it.

How all her friends have all moved out of London.

How it’s impossible to have any resemblance to a happy life in London.

I had no words.

I honestly did not know what to say to her because her experience of London life is just so far removed from mine, it isn’t even funny.

(FYI – I most certainly didn’t tell her how happy I am:-)

I love London.

I love the dogs that I dogsit.

I love the people that I have met through the dogs.

I love my home

I love my amazing flatmate Richard

(Who is the epitome of kindness)

I love the friends I have in my life now.

I feel so overwhelmed with gratitude at the moment I feel like I want to explode.

But I sure as hell did not feel this way two years ago.

I find it interesting that during one of the happiest periods of my life, I need to post one of my angriest most scathing of poems. Reading through this poem below I honestly don’t even recognise myself. It reminded me how there were times in the last 3 years when I sincerely doubted I would ever feel normal again.

I was hit with the realization two weeks ago that I don’t wake up in the morning with this boot on my chest any more

My nights aren’t filled up with manic crazy dreams

I’m not constantly worrying about everything….

I’m not continually trying to figure out what my life purpose is supposed to be

My body no longer feels stuck reacting to EVERYTHING all the time

and thank God the incessant crying has finally stopped.

These days I feel so much more contained within myself.

Hell,

last week, I walked past a playground filled with parents and children playing and instead of the ache and longing that I have had to swallow down for the last decade or so a small part of me thought

“Meh – Perhaps I could live a happy fulfilled life without kids? “

….but nevertheless, It was a far cry from anything I have ever experienced before….

It’s like I am beginning to imagine a world where I could feel enough,

without children.

Imagine that!

One of the things that I am most grateful for is my writing. I am not sure why writing is such a powerful tool to help you heal, all that I know is that it is. I started keeping a journal when I was 15 years old, so I am no stranger to pouring all my unexpressed emotions out onto a page.

But somehow when I started writing the poems it was different…instead of just ranting and raving at the universe writing the poems really helped me to start looking at, and understanding my triggers. There was a part of me that always knew that I was going to share them, which only made them that much harder to write. But every time I wrote a poem and I acknowledge my shame, my anger or my loneliness it became my way of reminding myself over and over and over again.

And in doing so, I was finally able to start putting band-aids on all the old wounds I had been carrying around and nursing for way too long.

When I started posting my poems a year ago it literally felt like I had to go through the whole process all over again…fighting the internal voices, reminding myself continually…..

And every time I did…it got easier….and continues to get easier

almost like the band-aids are coming off, one at a time.

Slowly but surely.

Of course, I still have shitty days but there is a kinder, more compassionate part that reminds me that I always get through them.

So after all my introspection, I have decided Dearest Steve….. that If I have been brave enough to share my shameful difficult times openly and honestly with others then I sure as hell have earned the right to share my joyful happy times as well.

Well, that’s what I think anyway!

Have a lovely week.

Written 9th June 2021

Happy fucking Birthday

41 messages on my Facebook wall

Voice notes and messages

came in galore

All saying the same thing

 Happy birthday

We are thinking of you

on this very special day

I wish I could say

 I appreciate all the thoughts

But today I have felt

 completely out of sorts

Utter irritation

totally disengaged

 overflowing with nothing

but unadulterated rage

I used to love being overwhelmed

by so much Facebook love

 That so many people thought of me

 used to feel like a drug

I’m worthy I have value

 look and see

How many people today

sent love to me

But something has changed

it means nothing anymore

Especially from people

 I counted as genuine friends before

Perhaps we served a purpose

in each other’s lives years ago

 but if we serve no purpose now

 then please let me go

Please don’t write trite messages

on my virtual wall

that you are thinking of me

(When you really weren’t at all)

Because if you had, you’d have noticed

The missed calls and missed texts

Perhaps reciprocated my efforts

to reach out and connect

Being ghosted by friends

hurts in so many ways

but its life things change

many friendships see their day

So, if you are sure that you no longer

want me in your life

that’s absolutely fine

 just pull out the knife

Don’t try to make yourself feel better

with these annual check-ins….

Nothing about them

is authentic or feels genuine

Own your decision

stand true to what you feel,

but please take me off your

“Do the right thing” reel

There is something so fake

 about taking the easy way out

write a quick birthday message

a once in a year shout-out!

And then nothing

absolutely nothing

 for another whole year…

not a single check-in

to even show that you care

I just want genuine connection

with people that give a fuck!

I can’t shake this feeling

 that I am so hopelessly stuck!

So tired of always pretending

 that everything is OK

I couldn’t answer a single message

 that I got today

Not a single inch of charity

or compassion in my soul

Where gratitude should be

 is just a gaping raw hole

I feel nothing but disgust

as far as I can see

Nothing but contempt

for myself

For me