Approximate Reading time: 11 min
You aren’t going to believe this…but I started online dating again.
I know, I know….you are probably wondering what the hell brought this on.
Am I just a perpetual glutton for punishment?
Surely, I should just give up and let THAT dream die!
Never I tell you!
About two weeks ago I went to the philosophy meet-up that I went to a couple of months ago where I met my new friend Surjay.
The topic of discussion this time was: Non-traditional relationships.
I arrived a little late to find everyone sitting around a huge table, in a pub, all debating the ups and downs of polyamorous relationships. As I sat listening to everyone share their philosophical contemplations on the matter it dawned on me that I don’t really give a shit.
(Not to be discourteous to all the people speaking, of course.)
But I really don’t see the point of sitting around and debating stuff that I have ABSOLUTELY ZERO experience with. If some chickie wants to have multiple boyfriends at once, then carpe diem to her.
I seem to have enough trouble finding one man.
Kudos to anyone who manages to find three.
It dawned on me at that precise moment in time, that I am not, and probably never will be
a philosopher.
(In fairness to myself I also had the beginnings of a migraine so maybe that had something to do with my lack of interest and general intolerance of other human beings.)
When the debate ended people split into smaller groups to continue the discussion,
that I still had no interest in.
(My head was hurting.)
I was cursing myself for not having my usual stockpile of Nurofen Plus!
While I was contemplating making my escape, one of the men came over to sit next to me and say hi.
He was kinda cute.
(In that bald, Luth Lexor way that I like)
It felt really nice that he had made the effort to come and speak to me.
So, we started chatting.
Aadhil told me that he had recently completed a walk across the whole of Spain.
As a beginner hiker, I was impressed.
It turns out the walk that he did was the Camino de Santiago which is traditionally a Catholic pilgrimage.
Me: “Oh so you are Catholic.”
Aadhil: “I am a born-again Catholic, who used to be Muslim.”
Mmmmm, ok interesting.
The word ‘born-again’ had a rather profound effect on me.
My chest tightened in an instant and I felt myself cage up.
(My head still hurt.)
I jokingly commented that maybe we should steer clear from the ‘religion’ topic as I am not religious.
(That would be me attempting to set a small boundary)
Aadhil chose to ignore me completely and then asked me, with this condescending know-it-all-smile,
(That I have experienced tooooo many times before in my life)
if I had ever asked God which God is the real God.
Apparently, according to the gospel of Aadhil, if you ask God this question…..
“Hey God, tell me which God is the real God”
He will answer you directly.
“Oh My GOD really!
You mean all these years THAT was the correct question I was supposed to be asking.
Why didn’t anyone tell me this sooner?
You mean I will actually hear a voice speaking to me!
A real voice!“
To say I was beyond irritated
(and highly triggered)
would be a mild understatement.
There is nothing that infuriates me more than people who preach of grandiose experiences of God that are more than likely absolute rubbish. Don’t get me wrong….I do believe that there are people out there who have mystical experiences …..
(In all faiths)
….however, I believe these people are the minority and these experiences certainly didn’t happen because that particular person found the ‘right words‘ to address God.
It made me think about all those years growing up listening to people’s amazing testimonies in church….these wonderful over the top, magical experiences so many ‘other’ Christians seemed so eager to gloat about. I wonder what my childhood would have been like had I not spent the majority of it wishing and praying for God to show himself to me as he seemed to do for so many other people.
Was I just not loveable enough?
I am grateful that these days I have let go of this desperate need for validation from a higher power.
Sorry rant over.
Where was I?
My head was suddenly aching.
I felt completely dysregulated and I wasn’t really able to articulate much at all.
I picked up my bag and I very politely informed Aadhil that it was lovely to meet him but I had a splitting headache
(It was the truth)
and I would be leaving now.
Aardhil sat staring at me with his mouth wide open.
Part of me felt terrible…..
another part was just about ready to commit murder so technically I did him a favour…
I saved HIS life!
It has been YEARS since someone has tried to convert me…..
but clearly it still has the same effect on me, as always.
I wondered as I made my way home, nursing my now thumping head, if one day I will be able to stay calm, regulated and unaffected when someone tries this shit with me?
Mmmmm………the jury is out.
(That will be a post to write)
But there is a point to my story….. a silver lining of sorts.
Those couple minutes with Aardhil, when he first sat down,
(Remember, before he opened his mouth)
felt pretty cool.
Imagine meeting a man who enjoys spending time with me,
wants to get to know me
and doesn’t feel the need to save my soul.
How amazing would that be?
Aadhil inadvertently inspired me to jump back onto the dating horse again.
Thank you Aadhil!!:-)
You will be happy to know I am no longer using Bumble.
The App I am using now seems to be working much better for me.
(I’m also not setting myself any challenges this time and I AM NOT getting overly obsessive)
How it works is this:
I send about 4/5 messages out a day to wonderful-sounding men who have beautifully written profiles and seem to have their shit together.
(None of them ever get back to me.)
What evens it out a bit is that I get at least 4/5 likes/messages a day from guys who I am not the least bit interested in and who I subsequently have to then ignore.
(Unfortunately, most dating apps don’t have a ‘kind rejection’ button…which honestly would make the world of difference to ALL of us.)
(See there is no need to state the obvious)
It’s like this huge Dating Karma Wheel that just never stops turning.
And I am a part of it!
(AGAIN;-)
Surely the Dating Wheel of Fortune will line up at some point and give me an amazing match?
With 4 billion men in this world….there ABSOLUTELY HAS TO BE at least one for me.
(If I find two I promise to give polygamy a try:-)
Written the 20th February 2022
A Message for my Younger Self
Another dream
Looking for a home
But this one was different
This time I wasn’t alone
It was one of the few dreams
Where all of the faces were clear
(Random people that I now
Would never want near)
People from my past
Amalgamated from
All the different “groups”
I so desperately wanted to belong
Those toxic, hurtful
‘So cool’ kiddies
Who in retrospect
Had zero empathy
House hunting together
Looking for a space
Eight of us wanting
A new home to embrace
We eventually found one
Which could have been
My ideal house
(Had it been mildly clean)
A log cabin of sorts
(Which I do adore)
Were it not for the rubbish
The utter filth on the floor
Or the ghastly wallpaper
That lined the cabin walls
The cluttered bric-a-brac
Scattered through the halls
Rotting Wood, stompies
Beer bottles everywhere
Like those horrible student houses
(Where no one seems to care)
Two double rooms
Dirty mattresses on the floor
No fucking privacy!
I mean there weren’t any doors
The place made me gag
It was an absolute shitstorm
My days are frankly done
Sleeping in crappy dorms
But my “friends” loved it
They felt right at home
As they lit up their cigarettes
While staring at their phones
In my head, I’m thinking
“This is not that tough
Why can’t you see
That this is not enough”
They mocked, they teased
Did I think I was so posh
What was I so afraid of
A little squeeze and a squash
I am proud to say
I didn’t concede
I stuck to my decision
I paid them no heed
I said my goodbyes
I left them there
I didn’t hang around wondering
If they even cared
But I woke up this morning
Just feeling so sad….
So many years wasted
A wandering nomad
Not recognising the red flags
Not knowing who was safe
Just so desperate to belong
To find my own place
I wish I could reach out
To my younger soul
Whisper what I’ve learnt
“You are already whole!
Let go of those friends
Who cut you down
Toxic humour is their mask
You don’t need them around
Friends who find your faults
Pinpoint all you do wrong
These are NOT type of people
With whom you belong”
I used to feel so frustrated
When people would say
“You need to love yourself
At the end of the day”
What on earth does that mean?
“How do you love yourself?”
I always wanted to scream
But as I’ve got older and wiser
I’ve slowly begun to discern
“Love” is synonymous
with “self-compassion” I’ve learnt
When you stand up for yourself
(Like you would for a friend)
When you start forgiving your mistakes
When you don’t condescend….
To any of your emotions
When you accept all your parts
When even the frustrating ones
Have a room in your heart
When you make space for compassion
Self-love starts to grow
(I spent the whole day in bed
So, I think I should know)
But I dragged myself up
And logged onto the screen
To do my online yoga
Which is so important to me
Even though I wasn’t able
To stop my tears
For an hour and a half
I simply kept myself there
I was witness to all
The emotions flowing through me
The anger, the disappointment
The bitter jealousy
And straight afterwards I climbed
Right back into bed
Ignoring the chorus of voices
Drumming in my head
Dorsal Ventral is so exhausting
How can I explain
How frozen I get
Just so immobilised in shame
But I gave myself permission
To simply check out
Allowing space for my fear
And all my self-doubt
I reminded myself once again
That this is never permanent
These soul-crushing days
Are not the determinants…
Of who I am
Or how I strive to live…
I’m still collecting my puzzle pieces
And I need to forgive….
Myself for everything
(And for nothing at all)
Sometimes all we can do
Is put down the ball
And then this evening Hallelujah
A shift around five
I started to relax
I felt a little more alive
I sat down to write
I finished 3 poems
I spoke to my best friend
I didn’t feel so alone
Just awash with gratitude
For this beautiful person on my path
For her companionship and love
That we can always have a laugh
At the crazy insanity
Of this thing called life
Through the ups and downs
She is always on my side
A reminder of sorts
Of things I’ve done right
The beauty of having people
Who light up your life