Hello all,

So I found a couple of old posts that I wrote in 2020, (and then never posted!) I kinda figured I need to post them first before I continue with my poems….(for continuity’s sake!;-)

This particular experience was such a huge life lesson for me… I got to watch firsthand how I continually give my power away to others, simply because I care too much about what they think.

It literally made me laugh reading this one again….. It is just such a beautiful affirmation for me as to how much I have grown and changed these last two years. (Even if it is also a wee bit embarrassing!)

The person I am today would have gotten off the train at the first available stop.

No questions asked.

September 2020

I know it’s been ages since I have written anything. I haven’t had any huge life epiphanies as of late. Life has been pretty boring, mundane, peaceful, and happy. (A couple of oxymorons there) But after the drama of my first 6 months, it has been absolute heaven. My three-month stint in my dream house has now turned into a year’s contract so I am pretty ecstatic about that. Despite the fact that the whole world is in lock down, I feel like I have a lot to be grateful for. For the first time in my life, I actually have time to just slow down and breathe.

So, I had a weird encounter a couple of days ago that was a little bit of a wake-up call for me.

I have noticed that as I’ve got older I have begun to connect more with random strangers. Be it a simple smile on the tube, a brief conversation…. there is something rather comforting about these micro-interactions that make you feel a little less alone in the world.

So yes, I am proud of the fact that I am able to strike up conversations with women, children, grannies, and little old men.

It dawned on me just before Covid hit that for all my friendly smiles and banter with complete strangers there was one demographic of human beings that I never smile at.

Men my age

Mmmmmmm? How could that be? I love men?

I have no problem speaking to men when I go out? There have of course been a couple of instances where I have chatted to men, but in general …I speak to a shit load of little old grannies!!!

This needed to change.

Unfortunately around about the time I was hit by this profound realization the entire world got locked down and I was unable to rectify the problem.

Rest assured 6 months of lockdown have made me infinitely wiser and braver.

Picture it!

I have bought my first piece of clothing in almost 6 months! A funky pair of red/black checkered trousers and I’m wearing them to school for the first time.

Awesome!!! I feel so cool!

As I am walking down the tube’s platform I notice a man give me a second take and mmmm……he’s cute. (OOOOOh that hasn’t happened in a while- dam I still have it!) I then notice that he has now made his way down to the same carriage as me and he proceeds to sit opposite me.

My internal critic aka Neurotic Angel screams:

“SMILE GAYLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I flash him a huge, pearly smile.

I did it!!!!

He smiles back and asks me how I am, in very broken English. (Slight disappointment – but check myself for being so quick to judge. (Shame on you Gayle!!!)

We exchange names.

I ask “Bob” where he is from.

He asks me where I’m from.

After a couple of awkward attempts to chat I’m all “friendlied” out and quite ready to start reading my book. But we still have another 15 minutes to our destination. (As luck would have it we are going to that same station)

Bob keeps talking to me.

I try to reciprocate with a couple of questions.

I didn’t want to be rude.

The train is so loud that I am really struggling to hear what Bob is saying.

He speaks in this low, husky whisper, which frankly, is just cringeworthy.

Eventually, I seize my chance and say:

“Sorry I can’t hear you!” while throwing my hands up in the air in very dramatic

“oh well – this-has-been-fun-however-now-it-must end” motion!

Bob: “Come and sit over here”

There isn’t an inch of me that wants to go sit next to Bob. Ummmmm…..but……

I didn’t want to be rude.

I begrudgingly go sit next to Bob. (Bob absolutely stank of cigarette smoke, alcohol, and stale coffee.)

I feel a bit sick.

Mental note: “Thank God I am no longer a smoker!”

Bob then proceeds to love-bomb me with compliments and asked me to have a drink with him that evening.

THINK, THINK…….Fuck think of a way to say no!!!!!

I told him I had a date. (I haven’t had a date in a year and 8 months!!! )

Yes, I lied. ( I am a truly awful person!)

(Bob isn’t deterred) “We go out tomorrow night?” said with a letchy grin.

I explain that I am a “one-man-only girl” and that I really like Matthew!

(Matthew being my fake-soon-to-be boyfriend!) I then proceeded to babble random facts about Matthew and how wonderful he is.

(PS Teaching moment: When people lie – they embellish way too much!)

The whole time I am smiling like a fucking Cheshire cat.

Neurotic Angel: “STOP Fucking smiling Gayle!!!!”

Love bombing continues. I feel awkward as hell.

He tells me how I am such a lovely person and how I made his day talking to him.

(Sigh. My internalized Mother Teresa feels proud. I am indeed a loving and caring soul)

Bob leans in and tries to kiss me.

(It’s fucking 7.45 in the morning!)

I pull away – HORRIFIED!!!

WTF????

But I’m literally frozen to the spot.

I know I should get up and move ……but

I didn’t want to ‘be rude’

Bob isn’t phased in the least. He continues making random chit-chat……

(We still have 3 stops to go! )

He puts his arm around me and caresses my neck while again telling me what a lovely person I am!!!!!

URRRRRRGGGGGGGGG dude, what the hell is wrong with you?

Finally, (Thank God) I react. I hit his hand away!

But noooooo I still don’t move and I’m still fucking smiling!!!

Neurotic Angel: “WHY the hell are you smiling Gayle?“

I TOLD YOU !!!!!!!

I don’t want to be rude!!!!!!!!!!!

We finally arrive at our stop and I can barely wait to escape.

But I still have the arduous duty of walking with him to the turn styles.

As we walk through them I turn to say goodbye quickly- but nooooooooo, now he wants a hug.

A hug?????

Good LORD when will this end?

I barely have time to respond before he slips his hand right under my open coat, around my waist and pulls me close like I’m some long-lost lover.

( I want to vomit!)

Truly.

Who would have guessed it …I finally reached breaking point…

I pulled away fast and high-tailed out of there as quickly as my sexy little-checkered pants could carry me.

I was soooo confused!

What just happened?

I have spent years working in bars and clubs cutting, drunk obnoxious men down to size without a care in the world.

A kinder, rational voice reminded me that this wasn’t a club.

He wasn’t drunk.

This was a Monday morning on the tube in front of a whole carriage full of people.

This was a first for me!

He messaged me 10 minutes later. (Yes, I actually gave this creep my number!)

Neurotic angel scoffs: “You can make up a fake boyfriend but you can’t make up a fake phone number?“

My therapist’s words are ringing in my ears: “Stop hitting the ball back Gayle!”

Stop hitting the ball back!

I ignored Bob’s message

I thought about blocking him……but then again…..

I didn’t want to be rude.

He messaged again about two hours later and then he tried to call.

I blocked him.

I suppose I could have done the semi-mature thing and just told him I wasn’t interested.

But…….

I DIDN’T WANT TO BE RUDE!

(Fucking hell I’m sticking with the grannies from now on!!!)