Approximate reading time: 8 minutes
I have 2 weeks left to finish my proposal!
TWO!
Luckily this week I am on holiday so I can devote myself to it 24/7
(Oh the joy!)
I had an epiphany this week
(It was beautiful I tell you)
I realised how much my co-dependency issues have been triggered while writing this proposal.
Allow me to explain:
At the end of November, I had a support chat with my lecturer to discuss the viability of my research question.
Which is:
What role does attachment play in involuntarily single women over the age of 45? (With a particular focus on looking at if there is any unresolved trauma in their Adult attachment Interviews.)
Why this question?
Um, ’cause it’s my life.
I was in my 40s when I finally realised the role that my own unresolved attachment trauma, and consequently my attachment anxiety, was playing in keeping me single.
I wish I had known and understood all of this years ago.
So it’s personal.
(It strikes a chord and hits a nerve at times)
I realised that during our chat my lecturer didn’t seem to say much about the unresolved trauma part of my question.
In fact she said nothing.
Of course, I could have asked her more about it.
But I didn’t.
What I did was a shit load of inference as to what her silence on the ‘unresolved trauma part’ meant for me.
Namely that:
It wasn’t relevant
It wasn’t viable to do within the scope of this question
That I was too personally connected to this project and my views were tainted
(I know
I know
I know
that is a shit load of assumptions to take away from a little bit of silence –
but my mindreading skills are
I tell you.)
It triggered a seemingly insurmountable amount of shame in me…that made me feel like my own childhood experiences weren’t real or valid and I subsequently ended the session a lot quicker than I should have.
In hindsight,
I realise that I subconsciously ‘binned’ the second part of my question and I have spent the last 6 weeks researching adult attachment in singles with absolutely no reference to unresolved childhood trauma.
It was only after a conversation with my therapist this week that I finally realised what I had done.
How when faced with a figure of ‘perceived’ authority I completely lost my sense of self and what
wanted to do with my research question.
Frankly, I feel like I have spent the last 6 weeks going around in circles not being able to pull anything together because half of what I wanted to focus on was missing.
I am proud to report that I have wised up considerably and that I have written more in the last couple of days than I have in the last 6 weeks.
I suppose I could be irritated with myself for wasting so much time…
but on the plus side, it really has got me thinking about co-dependency quite a bit and the
ways that I still give my power away to others.
While I genuinely feel I have got sooooo much better in this area
(I mean I am most certainly not handing out my phone number to
who feel me up on the tube, any more;-)
what has continually been coming up for me is this enmeshment that I so often feel with other people and their emotions.
This misplaced feeling that it is somehow my job to save people.
(Hell even my research topic is mildly co-dependent!
Underlined by this desperate need to raise the awareness of attachment so that other women don’t land up single and childless.)
I mean I am not judging myself…..
I get it
I understand it….
I spent my childhood subconsciously trying to keep my mother happy
trying to read and gauge her emotions
so I have honed this skill perfectly.
I could wrap it up nicely in me being hypersensitive and having a lot of empathy for other people.
(Sigh, such beautiful qualities I tell you)
But at the end of the day, I keep coming back to the same realization that it all feels a little ummm….. controlling.
It’s one thing to worry about other people and want them to heal,
it’s another thing completely to feel
(secretly)
frustrated and angry with them when they don’t take the steps that I think they need to take to start that healing process.
(Who died and made me God?)
I have realised lately that I spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about other people and their happiness.
Frankly it’s exhausting.
All I am doing is still giving my power away still….
So I am going to STOP IT!!!
(Granted I have no idea how.)
3rd January 2024
(This poem was written after the real-life adventure of our canoe sinking while out on a lake in December)
The Canoe
Built to float
Do your job …
Honestly canoe
Why is that so hard?
But now you’re sinking
Swallowed by a murky lake
Panic sets in
What will it take
To pull you safely
Safe to the otherside
This huge wooden thing
(That was meant to be my ride)
Built to protect me
Build to keep me safe
To help me move gently
Through this open space
But you fail horrendously
You left me afloat
Hanging onto you
With all of this hope
That I could save you
Just wait and see
Be your gallant rescuer
Yes, that could be me…
But as I hang on, panicked
As I cling for dear life …
Pulling you to safety
Doesn’t feel right …
You weigh me down
I’m struggling to breathe
It feels like you could
Be the death of me
A small voice screaming
Don’t let go…
“It’s your job to save
Everyone
Don’t you know”
This overwhelming guilt
If only I was stronger
Perhaps then I could
Hold on a little longer
Desperately wanting
To change the inner game
Perhaps if I swim harder
I will release all my shame But then, in desperation
I’m finally forced to let go
This is not my problem
Deep in my heart
I do know
Swim to safely
Let it go, be free
The only thing I’m responsible for
Is looking after me
7th February 2024
Dylan
Sitting in the playground
Staring into space
Red puffy eyes
A blank look on your face
Eleven or twelve
Blond curly hair
Sadness and loss
Saturate your blank stare
“Are you okay?“
I approach and inquire
“It’s hay fever” you snap
(Such an unconvincing liar)
I’m sorry, I whisper
I walk gingerly away
But I continue to watch
You don’t join in to play
Five minutes later
I’m definitely not convinced
I approach again
Determined to pin
Down the emotions
Flying through your head
That lay you down
Like a ton of lead
“I’m fine!” You snarl
The tears finally break through
Streaming down your face
I’m not sure what to do
“Please talk to me
Tell me why you are sad
I really want to help
I can see you feel bad”
“It’s nothing
It’s nothing
I don’t want to play”
I’m grasping at straws…
“Are you just having a bad day?”
“I’m rejected everywhere
All of the time”
The tears don’t stop
You look so lost and benign
And I’m grappling in my head
To find comforting words to say
To let you know I understand
That I’m here for you today
But so clumsily I fumble
The clichéd words out
“Tomorrow will be better
I’m sure, without a doubt”
“No, it won’t!” you spit
“I’ve been rejected my whole life
I don’t fit in”
Your frustration is rife
Your defeat and sadness
Send my heart into a spin
I say nothing as
The school bell starts to ring
I’m at a complete loss
How do I convey
How precious and amazing
You are today
That it breaks my heart
That you feel so alone
So aware of all these feelings
And how they start from home
Because when we are not seen
Validated from a young age
It paints the scenery
It sets the stage
For these feelings of abandonment
And rejection to thrive
Left unattended
They cling on for dear life
And my heart feels desolate
I wish I could do more
I wish I had the power
To fix and restore
All the hurt and the pain
You are drowning in
“I’m so sorry you are in pain”
(Would have been a great place to begin)
But alas today I had no words
To make you feel valued
Seen and heard
So I’m writing this poem
Dylan, to let you know
You are more precious
And more beautiful
Than you will ever know
And I hope you find peace
A soft place to land
People who love you
People who understand