Written 17th March 2021

Grief like love takes on many forms,

yet we live in a world that so often ignores…

“Be positive

Don’t look back

always uplift.

You, alone

have the power

to make the mind shift!”

But so many griefs are engraved in our souls,

A child losing a parent will always leave a deep hole.

Or the pain and loss of a child that dies.

Is something that no parent will ever be able to hide.

Neglect, abuse, lack of containment too

Massive pit holes that so many people struggle through.

You will never know the pain unless you’ve walked down that road.

You will only know the pain of your own hurtful load.

For me not being a mother has left a deep wound,

An anger, a frustration, a sadness that consumes.

(For most of the month,

I maintain an upbeat stance

When Aunt Flow visits

I simply forget the dance.)

Children and mothers are everywhere I see.

My internal dialogue sobs,

“Why isn’t it me?”

I don’t talk anymore about the pain,

Honestly, people’s responses

drive me insane.

“Why don’t you just

have a child on your own?

I mean so many women do it,

it’s quite ‘in’ you know?”

Because for me it’s a choice that I would want my child to have

That wonderful experience of a living, breathing dad.

Yes, I can adopt, this will be an option for me,

but please just allow me the time to simply grieve.

“Oh come now, keep perspective,

it could be much worse

Imagine watching your child die,

how that must truly hurt!

No life is perfect,

we cannot compare

You mustn’t allow yourself

to even go there!”

Always said with good intentions,

(yes this I know!)

From people uncomfortable with too much emotion on show!

So unintentionally they try to modulate how you feel

By simply denying this grief that’s so very real.

And there’s fear as I sit at the edge of this abyss.

As I seriously consider all I might have missed.

So much love stored up throughout the years,

hoping and praying, buckets of tears.

Jokes easily passed:

“What you still want kids?

Aren’t you a little too old?

Perhaps give up that gig!”

Like it’s a fanciful whimsy, something to outgrow,

“Why have kids?

They’re not all THAT great you know!”

As people reel out stories of how exhausting they can be,

and still, all I’m thinking is…..

“Fuck, then give them to me!”

Or perhaps in naivety, they might attempt to point out

How lucky I am, so much free time without….

the demands of tiny souls when you’re not in the parent club.

(Sometimes I want to tell them to shut the fuck up!)

Or you are peppered with stories of how they ‘visualized’

All that they wanted!

“Come on give it a try!”

“All you have to do is see it and believe!

Look how it worked so beautifully for me!”

Which only deepens the shame,

see IT IS ALL your fault!

Your hopes and dreams frozen

in your own visualization vault!

Because I have tried all that

(and so much more)

For years I kept beautiful, creative vision boards.

I’ve written poems to my children I have painted them

I have dreamed of them since I don’t know when.

   But alas, apparently I’m doing SOMETHING wrong…

If I could only visualise properly,

I’d have gotten the job done!

I’m not sure if this ache will lessen through the years?

Will I learn to be grateful,

not consumed by these tears?

Will this grief continually knock me off my feet?

Will it ever go away?

Will it ever be obsolete?

I don’t need words of encouragement,

or platitudes of hope.

Judgement or advice on how I ‘should’ cope.

Just allow me my feelings is all that I ask.

And maybe a thought for so many others on the same path.

I’ll come to terms with it,

in my own special way,

(Perhaps I’ll write a depressing poem

to brighten your day)

For 10 years now I have clung to positivity,

But for now,

I’m exhausted,

so,

please let me be.