Approximate reading time: 4 min

Written 28^th April 2021

Bessel Van de Kolk

author of the ‘The body keeps score’

quotes nothing heals trauma

significantly more

than doing yoga

connecting to your breath….

(honestly, I’d rather

 pull teeth instead)

I’ve tried stupid yoga

many times before

every single time I want to

hightail for the door….

It’s mundane

It’s irritating

It’s boring as shit

I feel angry and frustrated

(I can never do it)

I have scoliosis in my back

(and oh so dodgy knees)

At the age of 26 I needed

a double arthroscopy

I’m not looking for sympathy

‘Cause I am to blame

(The things we do with our youth

are a little bit insane)

I went out the next night

(after the surgery….)

When I should have been at home

recovering quietly….

Instead, I got drunk

I ended up dancing for hours

My knees still in bandages

and they’ve been indefinitely soured

Sorry I’m digressing

this ain’t a poem about knee joints

Where was I?

Where was I going?

What the hell was my point?

Uuuurg Yoga!

Please God, anything but that!!

Send me another solution

that doesn’t involve a yoga mat

Universe do you hear me

I don’t care what others say…

Nothing about yoga

brightens up my day

**********

Peter Irvine in his book

“Healing trauma” agrees

Connection to my body

is just what I need

SIGH

“Enough with the signposts

I get the message Universe!”

but that doesn’t mean I’m happy

I’m still going to curse!

Fuck it!

Dammit all!

Bloody hell I want to wail

But I’ll do whatever it takes

this anxiety to curtail

As I’ve got older and wiser

I’ve begun to comprehend

it’s those things we so resist

that we often need to transcend

Learn to identify the triggers

that lie underneath

tackle our demons head-on

(well, so to speak)

**********

I found a yoga instructor

as easy as pie

5 minutes up the road

almost on my first try…..

Compared to the weeks

 I spent trying to locate

an EMDR therapist

(and didn’t that work out great)

I had my first session

Just yesterday

What a lovely man

I have to honestly say

Thank you, Universe!

Silent prayer of gratitude

(My faith in you has been

surprisingly renewed)

***********

The session was an hour

(it felt like 3)

all we really focused on

was how to correctly breathe

I was a twitching fucking mess

my startle response on full drive

halfway through the session

I bust into tears, just cried

So conscious of my anxiety

so fearful of mistakes

One thought playing on repeat

that I just couldn’t shake

Can you trust him?

Can you trust him?

Gayle don’t get this wrong!

Neurotic Angel dancing around

singing her usual song

The more I tried to shut her down

the louder she would shout…

“You don’t have a good track record

of keeping unhealthy people out!”

It’s like this crazy mental checklist

continuously running through my head…

Why does letting someone new in

Fill me with so much dread

I never used to be so hypervigilant

I just have to assert…

People didn’t scare me

I wasn’t so conscious of getting hurt

It’s bloody Covid’s fault

I’ve spent too much time alone

“You’re turning into a crazy cat woman!”

I hear Neurotic Angel groan

Our session finally finished

he suggested I come twice a week

Is that because I’m twitching

like an opiate freak?

“Good God

you can’t afford that!

Is he completely insane?“

Neurotic Angel does her best

her internal disgust to contain

But then I started thinking

of life without anxiety

If I have to learn to love yoga

then so let it be!

 I booked two 90-minute slots a week

For the next 3 months

Money paid upfront

I won’t be able to run

I’ll leave my hate of yoga

Quietly at the door

It’s been my defence mechanism

but it doesn’t serve me anymore