Approximate reading time: 11 min
I am officially 48!
(I am happy to report it is not nearly as scary as I might have imagined!)
So, it’s been one of those weeks that started out amazingly
(As all birthday weeks should start)
and then nose-dived into a pile of inner child madness!!!
This is what I wrote at the beginning of the week:
“It’s been a good week. It feels like I am slowly starting to plug back into the world. I got an email last week inviting me to volunteer to help support new Compassionate Inquiry students during their sessions. We were asked at the end of our course in 2022 to volunteer but I definitely didn’t feel ready then….
This time round I feel a little calmer and reassured in myself so I said yes. Interestingly enough this comes round about the same time that I am editing this poem below, where I was massively triggered by one of the facilitators that I had been watching as part of my training. Editing this really got me thinking about how far I have come and how much less triggered I am these days.”
*****************
(I do know I shouldn’t laugh at myself….
it’s not very kind, supportive or loving….
but sometimes I just can’t help myself)
So, I signed into my first group session on Wednesday feeling brave, confident and so happy to finally feel like I have a voice.
(It’s a beautiful place to be I tell ya!)
I reminded myself very clearly of the guidelines before the group.
Volunteers are not allowed to give any feedback on the student’s therapy sessions.
GOT IT!
Sure,
I can do CALM!
It was the looooooongest 1.5 hours of my life.
Two of the three students were feeling a little frustrated about getting their heads around the course
(Hell, I know what that feels like!)
They were clearly hoping for a little guidance and clarity on that end….
I had nothing!
NOTHING!
In my defence, it has been almost two years since I completed the course and if I am going to be perfectly honest, I personally found myself completely overwhelmed by the amount of information that was thrown at me when I was studying it. It felt like my inbox was continually flooded with numerous emails talking about God knows what…..
My survival tactic!!!
Ignore as much of it as possible, stick my head in the sand and be grateful for the super organised A-type friends who always seem to know what’s going on!
(As tactics go it’s a great one I tell you!)
Random backstory Info:
On this master’s attachment course, that I am currently doing, I have the loveliest friend, called Chrissie.
I adore Chrissie.
Chrissie and I have both laughed about our different ‘attachment survival strategies‘…..she loves being organised, knowing what’s going on and gets a kick out of helping others…
(And in some ways being the rescuer.)
OMG
I love being rescued!!!
(It’s a match made in heaven I tell you!)
I realise that this is a subconscious
(Now conscious)
pattern that I developed as a child as my mum loved being in control, organising everything, making the big decisions and ultimately having the last word
and frankly,
for way too many years
I loved letting her!
I do also realise that me leaving home to move to London 24 years ago
(On my 24th birthday no less)
was a latent attempt to try to break free from this control.
It wasn’t until I hit my late 20s that I finally started to realise that even with the 9112 miles between us I was still hooking into my mummy waaaaay too much and giving my power away. Breaking out of that pattern, that I had developed with her, was incredibly painful, for both of us.
I know my mum, on a very deep level, felt abandoned and rejected as I began to put some emotional boundaries down, as I started to stand on my own two feet and stopped running to her continually with all my problems.
Taking my power back on that level was incredible….
Unfortunately, as childhood strategies go…. it’s never just as easy as
Essentially what I simply did was then transfer this pattern onto numerous other people in my life….and in hindsight, many of them were not the healthiest people for me to be doing this with.
I then had to learn this lesson the hard way……
over and over and over and over again….
until
finally
I got it!
All that being said, there are times when it feels really comforting to fall back into my old strategy with, Chrissie. For example, I still cannot fathom my way around my university building… it’s like an absolute fucking maze for me.
Chrissie seems to have an internal radar which means she never gets lost!
So I stick close to her ….. it’s become our inside joke….. her loving to lead…me loving to be led! It feels nurturing and dare I say rather safe for me to not have to worry about trying to have to figure out that jungle of a building.
(Please note I am not a complete nitwit…I have survived 20-odd years of travelling around the world by myself:-)
The difference I think is that we are both conscious of what we are gaining from using our strategies -and we both get a mutual pay-off. The problems arise in relationships when people’s strategies are still unconscious and what is initially comforting and reassuring
(At the beginning of any relationship)
then becomes a dependence in later years. While Chrissie and I can laugh and joke about it when we see each other once every 4 months….it would be a whole different story if we saw each other daily and I was constantly relying on her to rescue me.
Ok sorry, that was a super long diversion…….
um ok so back to my story…..
So, the students were frustrated and looking at me to provide some sort of explanation to all the unanswered questions they had.
I was empathetic and tried to validate their experiences.
I apologised and explained that I had literally just joined and that I couldn’t help with that at this time.
I sensed that they were not very impressed.
(I can’t say I blamed them)
They didn’t need validation of their frustration
they wanted help and here was this person sitting in their session with none of the expertise they thought she would have.
I soaked up their covert anger frustration like a sponge.
(Neurotic Angel was going ballistic in my head!
“Why are you here?“
“Did you even READ the role requirements for this job!“
“What were you thinking?” )
I stared at the wide-eyed face on the screen,
(My face)
that was supposed to be emulating a calm and serene presence
and I couldn’t help but wonder if they saw the same panicked, shamed, embarrassed little child that I was seeing.
Relief only came once we had to turn off our screens for the therapy sessions that were then going to ensue.
Watching the therapy sessions was interesting ….
I found myself noticing stuff, conscious of what they were doing really well, and recognising what they could have perhaps done a little better…..
I started to come back into my own…..
I started to feel my confidence seep back in slowly and my inner child soothed a bit.
“See you can do this!
You have a purpose for being here!”
That is until the screen came back up and Neurotic Angel crisply reminded me that as a volunteer I wasn’t allowed to give any feedback.
So, I sat,
I listened,
I said nothing.
But nothing about me felt calm.
It was 1.5 hours of me trying to fake it!
It was 1.5 hours of me being transported back to all those times I used to sit in class as a kid,
lectures as a student and staff meetings as an adult feeling too embarrassed and ashamed to speak up and say anything because
a) I felt like I had nothing to contribute
b) Or because I was too scared, I might get it wrong and look like a dam fool!
It was 1.5 hours of me trying to hold my inner child Morgan’s hand and remind her that she still had a voice!
(Morgan doesn’t come out that often)
It was truly horrible.
Once I finally got off the call I cried like a baby, almost nonstop, for what felt like ummm….. six hours….
(But was more than likely only one)
I felt embarrassed
I felt angry (at myself)
I felt confused
Eventually, I was so exasperated with myself that I ended up taking Bailey for her 3rd walk for the day in hopes that it would finally turn Morgans tap off!
(Bailey thought she had died and gone to doggy heaven!)
I came back from my walk, slightly more composed and beautiful Patrick Teahan
(Whose work I have followed quite a bit these last couple of years)
popped into my feed…..
I laughed a little….
I was reminded that my inner child is an entity to herself at times.
I watched a couple more
I laughed a little more
I gave my inner child Morgan a hug
I reminded her that she was ok
I went to chat to my lovely flatmate Richard
who dare I say, is becoming increasingly efficient at navigating the ups and downs of all my inner children.
I got a real live hug.
(Have I mentioned how grateful I am to have a super calm and chilled flatmate?)
I then spent the next couple of days mulling over what I should do…..
because every inch of my being didn’t want to have to repeat that experience….
but I also didn’t want to be a quitter!
One of the things that I loved about my whole compassionate enquiry experience was that it really helped me come to grips with a lot of things that triggered me. There is something really powerful about learning to notice what’s triggering you and then having a safe space to talk about it and bring it out into the light with an empathetic listener.
But being a volunteer was definitely not going to be that same experience.
There was a part of me that wondered what it might be like to learn to sit in a space with others, be quiet and still know my worth!
To know how to be a calm abiding presence.
(Wow just imagine how cool that would be!)
But an even bigger, more loving part of me knows that I am definitely not there yet…..
and that the last thing I ever want to do is FAKE it till I make it!!!
At this point in my life, I am so excited and so happy to finally be using my voice,
to be in this space where I know that I can have opinions and that I can share them,
regardless of whether other people agree with me or not.
Trying to force my inner child to do something that she really isn’t comfortable with, or ready for yet, just feels like the exact opposite of what
authenticity means for me.
So, I decided to be grateful for the experience
I decided that I really and truly didn’t have any interest in trying to figure out how the Compassionate Inquiry website worked so that I could answer any other future technical questions
(Cause frankly I just don’t care enough!)
I decided that I rather enjoy NOT being inundated with useless emails
I decided that I like sharing my ideas
I like passing learning on
and I LOVE having a voice
And finally
I decided
that at this point in time, I most certainly don’t want to be a
quiet, calm abiding presence….
(Give me 10 more years and we might see;-)
So, I quit!
And people I have to say,
it felt ever so slightly liberating! 😉
Written the 31 May 2021
Excuse me for a moment
I need to vomit my rage
(It’s not going to be pretty
if you need skip this page)
My realization
(again)
of what’s such a trigger for me….
Yes, you guessed it:
“Fakeness – inauthenticity”
Caretaking, mollycoddling
people that can’t be real
People who can’t simply own
how the fuck they feel
Still watching CI sessions
listening to the feedback
(Sometimes they leave me feeling
like a homicidal maniac)
Words like
“What a lovely session
you held the space so well”
What the fuck?
Are you insane?
That session was dismal
The client’s frustration
was so palpable to see
Their faces were saying
“You are not getting me”
Couldn’t you tell that the therapist
had clearly hit a wall?
Where was the attunement?
I didn’t see any at all?
And yet you lavish on praise
What a wonderful job they did?
…So yes, that’s what’s triggered Lyssa,
my inner raging kid
Oh my god my chest aches
I want to throw something
I think I’ll step back quietly
And let “Lyssa” do her thing
My inner child of rage
Is not fun to be around
She rants, raves and criticises
(No compassion can be found)
So, I’m watching her quietly
What’s the unconscious subplot?
Why does she allow herself
to get tied and tangled in knots?
I ask her quietly:
“Tell me why you are so mad?”
She spits at me viciously
“Coz that session was so fucking bad!”
“OK I get that
it wasn’t really that great
but why does it trigger
this intense level of hate?
Honestly are you dumb
must I spell it out for you?
The facilitators are our teachers
they should know the fuck what to do!!
It’s their job to recognised
when we are not getting things right
To guide us, with honest feedback
that is not just polite
When was the first time
you felt this uncontrollable rage?
As far back as I can remember
it’s been hidden on the stage….
But if I really had to think…
Fights with my brother as a child
I’d rant, I’d rave
hell, we’d both pretty much go wild
But nothing was ever
acknowledged
nothing was ever said
No one ever asked us
“What’s going on in your head.”
“What’s the belief you created?”
“Adults are not in tune?
When it comes to raising kids
they just don’t know what to do
No genuine conversations
or noticing how you feel
No acknowledgement of the emotions
that felt so overwhelming and real“
“So that’s interesting
How did this belief protect you?“
(“Mmm I’m not sure really
I don’t have a clue!)
I guess deep down I know
my rage keeps me feeling safe
Other people’s “issues”
become my safe place
Easier to point out the speck
in your eye
While ignoring the humungous
log in mine
Acknowledging too that I struggle to be real
To authentically speak up
and own how I feel
“How’s your rage feeling
now that you got that out?“
“I’m feeling less triggered
less need to shout“
“What’s another perception
that you could perhaps choose to see?“
“That the facilitators are all learning
just like me?”
Or maybe they’re simply
trying their best to support
without being too critical
too harsh or too short?
Lyssa, you sound rational
I’m so infinitely proud
You’ve calmed yourself down
You’ve unfurrowed your brow
Because isn’t the whole idea
to practice compassion
on this course?
To start recognising our triggers
and then pinpoint the source…
To become more aware of what makes
us react from hurt
More conscious of how we so easily revert
to projecting our emotions
all tangled up inside
When we could simply accept them as ours
and learn not to hide
