Approximate reading time: 12 minutes

It’s been an interesting week:-)

So where to begin my story…

Two weeks ago when I went on my 14km hike I mentioned that I made a couple of new friends. When we were having our meal afterwards, in good old Weatherspoon, we somehow got talking about 72-year-old Phylis’s life. Phylis is a quiet-spoken and gentle soul and it was obvious she had spent many years trying to figure out why her sister-in-law, Daphne would treat her family as horribly as she did. She wasn’t angry so much as she was confused and hurt. Phylis had pretty much lost contact with her brother and was now supporting her niece, Daphne’s daughter, who had cut all ties with her toxic mother. As I listened to Phylis talking all I heard were stories filled with grandiose and entitled behaviour, a complete lack of empathy, gaslighting and manipulation. I have spent enough years learning about narcissism to recognise the behavioural characteristics. At one point the other person who was with us, also an older gentleman, just sighed and said:

“Some people are just born evil.”

It made me a little sad really….

I don’t believe people are innately born evil.

Even though studies have shown that there are structural brain abnormalities in the psychopath’s brain this doesnt automatically infer that these people will grow up to become psychotic serial killers. There are millions of reasonably well-adjusted successful individuals in the world living with a psychopathic brain, often doing jobs where a lack of empathy, not being bogged down by emotions, could actually be an advantage to them. These are often the people who grew up in healthy, good enough families with stable and loving attachment figures. The big problems arise when a child who is born with this psychotic brain is then physically or psychologically abused by their parents.

In 2005, Mitchell and Amodt did a study aimed at determining the incidence of child abuse in serial killers. Fifty ‘lust’ serial killers

(People who murdered for the primary goal of attaining sexual gratification)

were the focus of the study. The results of this study showed

36% suffered physical abuse

26% suffered sexual abuse

50% suffered psychological abuse, 

18% experienced neglect

and 32% reported no abuse at all.

(I wonder how many of the 32% that reportedly had no abuse had simply grown up in families where all their physical needs were met but their attachment needs were not?)

So as far as the nature vs nurture argument goes….

I’m on the side, that they both matter.

My newfound friends’ comment opened the door for me to do a little bit of what I love doing the most ….teaching.

No, I have never met Daphne.

I was definitely not diagnosing her with Narcissistic Personality Disorder but it was clear that she was exhibiting the classic behavioural traits of a highly narcissistic person. I have had many conversations like this in my life…. the confusion, hurt and weariness of anyone who has to consistently deal with these types of people is always the same. For me it’s always a beautiful moment when you see this light go on, this recognition that they are not alone, this understanding that they are not crazy and that there might actually be a reason for the other person’s behaviour. But more importantly, I hope, that I might be able to open a small window of compassion for these people.

The more narcissistic a person is the greater their childhood wound.

So it was a great chat.

Although I was hobbling home that evening,

I felt happy and connected.

Later that week I saw a philosophy group having a meetup and the topic of conversation was

“Let’s talk about Evil”

Mmm…that sounds interesting.

(I definitely wouldn’t have to put up with banal small talk)

Thinking about the chat that I had had last week I thought this might be a good place for me to continue ‘flexing’ my thoughts and ideas away from the safety of my laptop. My writing has in many ways been both my protector and my teacher. I have noticed in the last couple of years how so many of my thoughts and feelings seemed to have become more crystallized within me. Often I will talk about about something that I have written with great gusto.

(Sometimes I feel like I’m reading off my own life script….)

My writing has given me so much more confidence to stand up for myself and to actually start communicating what’s going on in my head, instead of internalising everything.

I arrived at the park and joined about 15 or so people sitting on the grass.

I sat down.

A conversation was in progress about the value of giving money to homeless people.

A guy called Adam was telling everyone why he won’t give to people on the street any more…

I listened and internally I agreed.

It was a long hard journey for me to get to that point in my life where I had to decide for myself what I believed on this topic…

(6 weeks in India finally helped me solidify my view on this)

Nowadays I give small amounts to several charities and I feel like I’m good with that.

One of the other guys, Peter, who arrived at the same time as me, asked Adam rather brazenly what he did to support homeless people if he didn’t give money. It was a logical, if not a ridiculously stupid question to ask a stranger that you have only just met, 45 seconds ago.

(Peter’s tone, I will admit, was ever so slightly tinged with disparagement)

He shot back curtly:

“I run my own charity mate!”

Adam then went into this little rant on how this was supposed to be a philosophy meet-up and not about questioning other people’s personal principles and practices.

(Mmmm good point Adam but weren’t you just sharing your principles and practices with the whole group?

And why the massive overreaction

mate???)

Peter seemed slightly perplexed as to why Adam was getting so upset; the more he tried to talk his way out of it, the more aggressive Adam got.

(Holy Fuck this was uncomfortable)

The people pleaser in me went into overdrive trying to figure out how to diffuse this situation.

(Because that’s my job isn’t it!!!!!)

I attempted to ask Adam about his charity and I got an answer dripping with disdain…..he answered me but the look I got was paramount to him saying:

“Good grief women, we are here to talk philosophy, not banal small talk!“

He then climbed onto his soapbox (again) and said how too many people think the answer to homelessness is simply paying money from their salary each week, when it is not.

(And here I thought I might be making a small contribution to the world with my donations)

“You need to get into the streets, speak to them, mentor them….invite them into your home for a meal. “

Mmmmm while that sounds like a very noble, if not rather grandiose, ridiculous idea Adam.

(Try growing up in South Africa where there are homeless people on every street corner.)

While I still have lots to learn about NOT being a people pleaser, I do have enough mental awareness to know that it is most certainly not my job to save or mentor all the homeless in the world. Nor will I be bringing any random strangers into my home for a meal.

That doesn’t make me discompassionate or uncaring……I am plenty caring.

It makes me reasonably sensible.

There are most certainly people that do that…..and kudos to them…..but to preach that that is something that we all should be doing is just absolutely fucking ridiculous, and dangerous Adam.

But of course,

I didn’t say all of that to him,

I have learnt the hard way not to argue with people like this.

I smiled sweetly and turned my conversation to another group that was chatting to the left of me.

One of the guys was talking about psychopaths…..and how he didn’t know much about them…..

OOOOOhhhhh YES!!!!!!

(all my years of serial killer research were about to pay off!!!!)

I joined into the conversation and described the difference between a psychopath and a sociopath, essentially being that psychopaths are born and sociopaths are made. I shared with them what I had learned from James Fallon…and I felt relatively proud of myself for sharing my thoughts.

As we chatted I then started to tell them about my two friends from last week…..

THE POINT I was

TRYING

to make was how so often people with narcissism are labelled as evil when all they are is just wounded individuals.

I never got to make my point…

I suddenly heard Adam pipe up behind me.

“You are not a mental health professional so you shouldn’t be labelling anyone a narcissist.

NPD is a real disorder and too many people throw this word around without having the proper qualifications.“

I turned back to face Adam and said a small prayer to Dr Ramani.

She has done several videos on what to say to people that hit you with these words.

(My wisdom and logic that you can’t argue with these types of people flew straight out the window)

I managed to say:

“I’m sorry but I disagree with you.

I am not diagnosing anyone.

You can have narcissistic characteristics without having NPD…..”

Frankly, I don’t even remember what Adams’s comeback was… but dam it was good….

He had the words.

He had the confidence.

He had the aggression and he was armed with the knowledge that he was right and I was wrong.

There was no room for a conversation, a sharing of different opinions.

There was no room for any type of open dialogue.

I felt like a little girl again…..trying to express my own thoughts and beliefs….but there was no space.

I had started out so well…..

But my chest was constricted…

I couldn’t think straight

I had no words to argue against him.

(I was unfortunately not able to channel the spirit of Dr Ramani)

I suddenly remembered that I didn’t need to defend my beliefs.

I didn’t need to justify myself to him or anyone else.

That I was allowed to hold onto my own feelings, thoughts and perceptions about this topic because they have come from my own lived experiences.

Frankly, I would rather live in a world where we are free to talk about mental health issues and people are educated about the signs and characteristics of toxic people. But by the same token, I also want to live in a world that understands that so many of these people are NOT born evil.

I realised that an open honest discussion would not be happening with Adam and so I did the only ‘mature’ thing a grown-ass woman, such as myself, could do.

I smiled and, as if on autopilot I turned my back on him.

It’s almost laughable when I think about it now.

It was almost like I was a little 5-year-old child declaring

“I don’t want to be your friend anymore!”

Part of me is mildly mortified that I could be so rude….but I do realise that it wasn’t even a conscious choice. It felt like my body just instinctively did a 180-degree about-turn….almost as if it was a survival tactic, getting me out of the line of fire. It wasnt kind and it wasn’t compassionate to Adam, but then, it was the only kind and compassionate thing I could do for myself….

I didn’t come to this meet-up to argue with anyone.

As I turned around I found myself facing a man that had just sat down next to me. I smiled, grasped and shook his hand a little feverishly and introduced myself, we bounced straight into a comfortable, relaxed, open conversation about life. Surjay and I pretty much ended up chatting the whole afternoon about a whole host of varied, different topics.

(No banal small talk was present)

You know when you meet someone and you feel a little lighter in yourself,

like you can just be you?

It felt like that.

I came away from the meetup feeling happy and connected, once again,

and grateful that I had just made another awesome new friend.

I was reminded that there are wonderful people in this world,

and that sometimes just turning away from what you don’t want

is the first step in opening the door to what you do want.