Approximate reading time: 5 minutes

The written post is coming tomorrow

xxx

Written 25th of September 2021

“It is a joy to be hidden, and disaster not to be found.”

― D.W. Winnicott

It hasn’t been an easy week

 I will admit

At this precise moment

I feel like absolute shit

First that heart breaking class

And then as things go

I got sick

Perhaps just my body saying “No”

The final knock came from feedback

 I duly received

From one of my practice clients

(Let’s call her Louise)

Louise admitted she’d felt triggered

Our session had upset her quite a lot

 She requested to stop sessions

Until she’d sorted out the knot

I feel mortified

Embarrassed

So shamed to the core

As I imagine the worst

 I had done to this poor girl

I have spent the last three days

Overanalysing EVERYTHING

Replaying our conversation

Scanning for my sin

There was definitely one thing

I do regret

It was the wrong thing to say

It wasn’t compassionate

Maybe it was that?

Or did I talk too much?

 Was I insensitive to her feelings?

Did she feel judged?

It’s amazing how all that shame

Comes crashing back in

 How awkward and embarrassed

I suddenly feel in my own skin

Last night I stopped at Waitrose

Bought loads of junk food

Food is what numbs

When I’m in this mood

I woke up at 4am

From a zillion entangled dream

I got up to meditate

But only tears came to me

Still feeling sick

Over tired and confused

It’s been so long since

I’ve felt so emotionally bruised

So, I queried which part of me

Has now shown up

 Bringing this numbness

Feeling so stuck

My inner child of sorrow

Who feels so disposable

Lyla is filled with shame

She’s so unlovable

“You really can’t do this

 I don’t mean to be the pessimist

 But let’s face facts

You are not a therapist

You thought you were ready

To get back on that horse

 That this” new skin” was permanent…

 (It’s not of course)

 I’m still here you know!

Did you really think I’d go away?”

So, I asked my inner child Lyla

What she needed today

“I don’t have any more strength

To even get out of bed

Please can I just hide here

Where it’s safe instead?”

So, I cancelled all my lessons

I allowed her to stay

In bed she watched Netflix

Ate crap the entire day

But I was consciously aware

 She was not alone

 Another part was making herself

Very clearly known

Neurotic Angel was there

In absolute full swing

Funny how this critic

Never misses a thing

“What the fucks wrong with you?

You’re the laziest person I know

No wonder you are single

When are you going to grow..

..the fuck up and learn

To deal with your inane shit?

Do you think if you had kids

You could hide away like this?

You self-indulgent

Lazy

Selfish little girl

 There are so many people

With real problems in this world”

I mean for God’s sake

BE PRODUCTIVE!!!!!

Listen to an audio book”….

(So, Lyla took her advice

Although on tender hooks)

She started listening to Richard Schwartz

Internal System Family Therapy…

She only managed one chapter

(In all honesty…)

 Before she started blabbering

 All over again…

Although one thing luminated

One thing actually went in

She listened as Schwartz

Defined the role of the inner critic

Its role and how it’s so

Fundamentally analytic

How the critic is there

To safeguard your younger parts

 To look after them

To protect their young hearts

To shame you into ultimately

Mending your ways

(Improving yourself

Every single day)

So that in the future

 You will hopefully one day be

Safe from external criticism

To a greater degree

This critic runs down your confidence

Shames you from taking future risks

It constantly reminds you

You’ll always be like this:

 Wounded

Broken

Feeling like the world is not safe

How we all have our own critics

That constantly get in our face

They are trying to simply manage

Threats others can’t see

Their role is quite simple:

 To look after me

Swartz spoke about this part

Not seeing the ultimate irony

 Of shaming and belittling you

Oh so privately

How it’s doing the exact thing

It’s trying to protect you from…

These “special friends”

Really are that dumb

It’s just another inner child

Not rational or mature

It doesn’t come from a place

That is calm and secure

So, I gave Lyla the space

She so desperately would need

I turned Neurotic angels’ volume

Down to minus 3

And at 5pm I got up

 I started to feel alright

 I painted some flowerpots

I began to write

The turmoil dissipated

 The world didn’t seem that bad

 The voice of my internal mother

Joined my inner parts triad

“It’s been a tough week

It’s OK to check out

You are whole and loveable

Even when you have doubt

 I am always with you

I love you so much

Even when you feel abhorrent

And not nearly enough

I’m proud of you for having

The courage to give things a go

 You are learning and yes

There’s lots you still don’t know

Please remember that you have

The right to learn from your mistakes

I’m here holding your hand

I promise your heart won’t break