Approximate reading time: 14 minutes
Ok, so here’s a brief synopsis of my week.
(It’s going to be thrilling I tell you)
So, still waiting for my new lease to arrive I did the only thing an anxious, avoidant, with slight trust issues could do and continued looking for a new place.
(Just in case)
And on Monday I found it.
It was perfect.
It was everything I had been looking for.
The house was on a really pretty street and only a 4-minute walk to the station.
The room was huge and had beautiful bay windows looking out onto the garden, with lots of natural light.
The house was a large 3-story, shared with 9 other people…..
but it was clean,
it was tidy…
and it looked like a home.
The open-plan kitchen had a huge kitchen table that looked out onto the garden.
(I would have had my OWN fridge)
I met a couple of the flatmates and they seemed lovely.
The best part….it was £210 cheaper than the place I had originally found.
(That money saved would buy my ticket home to SA in December!!)
I was sooooo excited.
I felt like my ‘silver lining‘ had just popped up and the last couple of months of house hunting were finally going to be worth it.
(And I was secretly soooooo ready to drop the other place and teach them a hard lesson.)
I message to say I would love to take the room.
I forwarded the basic information they required to start the process and waited with bated breath to hear back from them.
I received a message apologising, saying I wouldn’t be able to rent the room because the age cap on that house was 35 years old.
My 49-year-old-( 6-months-away-from-50) -arse…was TOOO OLD!!!!!
I am not going to lie…I was devastated.
I received the message about 5 minutes before the end of lunch and had to spend the rest of the afternoon trying to teach while feeling chocked-up, emotional and
OLD.
And incase you were wondering, yes IT IS illegal in the UK to discriminate against someone based on their age when renting.
BUT such is life!
Most agencies, that have the highly ILLEGAL age-limit requirement do have the decency to ask your age before doing the viewing.
I came home on Tuesday night ever so slightly depressed and low and behold there was my new lease waiting for me for the original house.
My lease for the house I now no longer wanted.
The house that I was SO excited about two weeks ago.
But now….
It was too expensive.
It was a 16-minute walk from the tube.
16 minutes!!!!
(That’s almost 8 days of walking in one year people!!!!)
OMG, how was I going to afford my South African plane ticket home NOW!!!
It had no communal eating area.
I feel like my ‘eating-in-my-room‘ days are over.
I have spent the last 4 years by myself healing and now I’m ready to connect back into the world.
I AM READY TO BE SOCIAL AGAIN!
(Why did I say yes to a house with no communal eating area?)
Of course, I know the answer to that… because it is going to be a brand spanking new house.
I was beside myself with joy when I first saw it, even though it was still pretty much a construction site.
The last time I moved into a newly refurbished house was around about 2001.
Just imagine…
NEW
CLEAN
UN-CLUTTERED
AND FRESH
But none of that mattered now.
I had let the house-genie out of the bottle and now I couldn’t get it back in!
To make matters worse when I read the lease I realised that unlike the agent had originally told me, all the bills were NOT included in the rent
AND
they were expecting me to do gardening.
Like mow lawns and shit!!!
I am a busy woman…I DO NOT have time for gardening
(As much as I love a beautiful garden- I just don’t want to be the one responsible for it!)
The garden is currently a bit of a mess and when I asked the agent about that at the original viewing he had said the landlord would be sorting that out.
THEY lied to me!!!!!!?
FYI: Did I mention this house is an HMO?
Which essentially means that the owner has applied for an HMO license to allow multiple tenants to move in. If a house is an HMO then the landlord is legally responsible for looking after all the communal areas, which INCLUDES the garden.
(I am not some HMO virgin born yesterday.)
I was livid.
One of the advantages of being sooooooo old is that you don’t just sit around and take shit any more.
So I wrote an email expressing all my concerns about the lease, knowing full well they could decide to give me my holding deposit back and I might be homeless in a week.
BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!
I found and lost my dream house ONCE already this week….
I’d find another one!!!!
I waited and heard nothing back from the agent.
Two days later I called to speak to the agent and I was told she was on holiday.
WTF?
(HOW can she go on HOLIDAY at a time like this!!!!!!)
Now I was beyond LIVID.
I told the other agent about the email and stressed, rather irritably, that I had the right to ask questions about the lease.
She responded with:
“Absolutely, please send me the email and I will have a look at it.”
She called me back about 10 minutes later and agreed with all my concerns.
An hour later I got an email from the landlord apologising about the confusion and saying he would amend the lease for me.
He invited me to call him for a chat about it all if I wanted.
We had a good chat.
He seemed really lovely and genuine.
I felt calm.
I felt seen.
My whole nervous system which has been caught in manic fight or flight the last 2 weeks just relaxed.
What do you know…..
The excitement for my new house has slowly started to eke back into my soul.
Isn’t it amazing what a difference a little human connection and communication can make?
Of course, I still haven’t signed the lease yet, but I have banned myself from doing any more house hunting.
I’m going to practice having faith and being grateful with what I have got.
(Good God it’s hard living in my head sometimes:-)
Written the 3rd March 2022
The flip side of Anxiety
Interestingly as I started
To paint this weekend
I listened to ‘When the Body Says No’
(right to the end)
I mean I started this book
Months ago
But I have a habit of not following
Through….
(This I know!)
I’ll often find myself reading
Two or three books at one time
It’s a frustrating habit
(But I own it, it’s mine!)
But then I feel guilty
I berate myself
As the books sit mocking me
(On my e-shelf)
But yesterday as I finally
Finished the last page
I found myself grateful
(Honestly, for the delay)
Because Gabore was speaking about
Anger and internal rage
And I don’t think it would have actually
Sunk in till today
About how anxiety is simply
Anger turned in
It just resonated with me
From deep within
Because I know it’s true
Conscious of all the anger inside
Resentments and hurt feelings
(Sometimes I feel blurry-eyed)
My inability to simply
Let frustrations go
Accept disappointment
And go with the flow
It got me thinking about something
That happened this week
That triggered and left me
Angry and bleak
I had entered a school
That I’ve been to before
And as I walked through the gates
And reached the front door
The caretaker confronted me
He told me off
For not using the pedestrian gate
He was rude and short
He was right of course
It was my mistake
For a veteran supply
It was a rooky one to make
I apologised to him thinking:
“Next time I will”
And continued as normal
Into the school
He then got angrier
Yelling loudly at me
“Use the other gate
Don’t ignore me!”
I will admit I was a little shocked
(I was already at the front door)
His rudeness and aggression
Slightly uncalled for
So, I walked back across the yard
Around through the other gate
Internally laughing at the childishness
Of this grown primate
And as I walked past him
He shouted with more rage
“I didn’t open this gate
For YOU today”
His behaviour was so juvenile
Petty as hell
(Seriously these types of people
Are so fucking dismal!)
I didn’t take it too personally
(Or so I thought)
I didn’t react
Get angry
Or respond with a retort
But I was conscious for the first hour
Of that day
My anxiety was rampant
So visibly on display
But I focused on my breath
I allowed compassion in
For all the anxious feelings
Underneath my skin
And I ended up having one of the
Best days I’ve ever had
The 3 teaching assistants noticed
They had something to add
“Wow you’re like a different person
From earlier before
You were so quiet and anxious
When you initially walked through the door”
And I feel incidentally
The need to share
This was a small special needs class
That seemed to genuinely care
Almost every child
Had their own one-to-one
The atmosphere was calm and relaxed
Work was being done
The children were happy
It was so beautiful to see
Them getting the correct support
That they so desperately need
And for the last hour of the day
We played in the sensory room
Fill with hundreds of foam balls
(It would lift anyone’s gloom)
I left school smiling
So engaged and calm
Grateful for days like these
Without a stress and a qualm
I got home and started
My yoga class online
All of a sudden I noticed
I didn’t feel all that fine
For the first 30 minutes
I just couldn’t stop my tears
All that looped through my brain
Was that morning’s horrid affair
I felt frustrated and irritated
(Mostly with myself)
It’s no bloody secret
There are dicks in this world
But why cling to THAT experience
Why do I always obsess
Why not focus on the positives
And leave all of the rest
Instead of allowing this idiot
To highjack my day
Why do I CONSTANTLY give
All my power away
And at that point it felt futile
– that I could EVER make it stop!
This floodgate of emotions
Always doing a hack job
On my heart
On my head
On my body
Showing up every time
As dreaded anxiety
I was consciously aware of
My need for control
Why can’t I rewire the world
And make all people whole
I’d ELIMINATE the nastiness
I’d banish all the pricks
Create a society free
From malice and conflict
The absurdity of my desires
Not lost on me
But also conscious of the emotions
Hooked into the fantasy
I acknowledged my sadness
I was conscious of the rage
We are all pretty powerless
At the end of the day
And I thought about my therapist
What he said a week ago
Perhaps all of this crying
Was me simply letting go
Of the pain and the anger
Of emotional needs not met
That I’m “birthing a new me”
(Was what I think he said)
Slight irritation-
“I’ve been in labour for years
Would the “new me” be born
I’d like to dry up these bloody tears”
But what really got me thinking
As I continued painting “Ugly Boat”
Was how much my hidden anger
Keeps all my anxiety afloat
All those conversations
(hundreds)
That I wish I could have had
With family members and friends
About times I felt mad
Or those times I attempted
To speak-up own my truth
And it gets flipped back around
And hurled back at you
My inability to stand up
Say something calmly and defend
Myself when others are rude
And so easily condescend
And I’m exhausted
I’m exhausted
I’m so fucking tired
Of trying to reach out and engage
I have no more desire
So, I’m stuck in this impasse
With such a deep desire to connect
But physically not being able
To get myself there yet
And I know I “should” forgive
Learn to let go
But I still can’t
I’m still so stuck
In defensive mode
So, I paint
I write
I trust just a few
Whom I connect to regularly
When it feels safe to
And I remind myself of the above
Quote from Malcolm X
With patience and time
I’ll eventually get there