Approximate reading time: 10min
31st October 2021
I awoke this morning
With that familiar dread
A headache
A stuffy nose
Anxious thoughts in my head
I notice a voice
Bitterly say
“So much for the calmness
You preached yesterday!”
I peer outside
The rain is pouring down
No garden this morning
“Fuck it!”
I frown
I’d have to now meditate
In my room but I confess
My room was truly
An abominable mess…
I hear the voice of Michelle
One of my closest friends
As I stare at my kazillion
Random odds and ends
“Oh no, Gayle!”
She declared
The first time she saw
“There is NEVER a good reason
To put ANYTHING on the floor”
(Perhaps I should take a photo
Send it to her?)
It’ll drive her “Manager Part” crazy
That’s for dam sure
Because one of her managers
Is a complete utter neat freak…
I chuckle at the thought
Of her disapproving critique
The nodding of her head
The “tut tut tut”
(She’s hilariously dramatic
I love her so much)
I on the other hand
Got NO such manager
So I’ve worked incredibly hard
To try and “create her”
I think I’m kind of proud
I have taught her well
(For the sake of clarity
let’s call her Lachelle
Which incidentally means:
“Chalk landing place; who is like God?”
Isn’t that just like totally
So fucking odd?)
Which makes it the perfect name
Lachelle is an oxymoron
And that’s pretty much how
She gets the job done
I mean it doesn’t come naturally
I have to admit
But for 5 days a week
Lachelle will focus and commit…
But then suddenly around
Day number six
She suddenly decides
She needs to quit!
Lachelle has big dreams
She can’t be housebound
All this cleaning and tidying
Only brings her mood down
So, I live with the fallout
Of Lachelle’s cavalier ways…
(Usually for plus/minus
One or two days)
But of course
Lachelle always
Comes to see sense
She finally returns
The BIG CLEAN-UP can recommence
Usually around
Day six or seven
If only she’d work the whole week…
Now wouldn’t that be heaven?
So, Lachelle stares at the mess
(She hates her job)
I reassure her it’s truly
Not really that hard
“Just start with one thing
And put it away”
“I’m feeling hungover”
She starts to complain
“You don’t drink!”
I remind her, impatiently
She stares at the mess
So lost and aimlessly
“I was born to be
A lady of leisure
Tidying up your shit
Gives me ABSOLUTELY no pleasure!”
By now Neurotic angel
Has simply had enough
“Will you stop with your bitching
And pick up our stuff!!
We can’t meditate and start to
Calm the fuck down
While all of this shit
Is still hanging around!”
Suddenly Lachelle shouts
“Music, will help me!”
(She loves nothing better than dancing
Around while she cleans)
But through all of the emotions
Running around
My Internal Mother (‘S’elf)
Moves into the foreground
“No, you are not using
Music as a ‘pick me up’
You don’t need to hook into anything
To cheer yourself up”
Neurotic Angel stood frozen
(In complete shock)
Lachelle looked like she’d been hit
With a giant rock…
“What?
Are you serious?
She quietly invokes
“I can’t do it withOUT Music!
Is this a bad joke?”
“Yes of course you can
Let me tell you how
All you need is to be present
in this moment now”
Lachelle looks forlorn
She wants to burst into tears
(Neurotic Angel decides
It’s best not to interfere)
“But music makes me happy
It distracts me from what’s going on
When I’m listening to music
I don’t think about what’s wrong!
It helps me to zone out
Isn’t that a good thing?
Can I seriously not listen
To any-dam-thing?”
“You can listen to music
As much as you like
When you’re feeling content
And grounded in your life
But please don’t use it
To simply zone and numb out
If you aren’t in a great mood
Then that’s simply alright
Just be present with the emotions
Swirling within you
And while you do that
Quietly tidy the room”
Lachelle at this point
Realised it was futile
“Self” wasn’t going to budge
An inch or a mile
So, she tidied the damn room!
(For what felt like 5 hours)
But she got over feeling irritated
And let go of being sour
But halfway through an exile
Lyla appeared
She sat down and cried
Her “wow-is-me” tears
‘S’elf inquired gently
“Hey Lyla, what’s up?”
And then gave Lyla time to talk
(She didn’t interrupt)
“I’m so emotional
You know….
I don’t feel very strong….
I’m absolutely petrified
That something will go wrong!
Everything in your life
Is you hedging your bets
NOTHING is permanent
You have no safety net
What happens if you get sick
And lose your voice again?
You can’t miss MORE work!”
She whines in disdain
“With no money
How’ll you even, buy yourself food?
Oh my God
(Sheer Panic)
What will you do?”
You could be allergic to schools
That could be a true fact!
Seriously have you even
Thought about that?
And what if you’re still broke
For your Christmas holiday
Will you have to cancel your ticket
And then once again stay
In London once more
For the third Christmas in a row?
I don’t want to spend
Another Christmas alone!
‘S’elf listens patiently
“Those are valid concerns
There’s a lot going on
I know it’s hard to discern
But you know that you often
Panic too soon
So why don’t you help Lachelle
Just tidy the room
And when you finish
We can sit down
We can meditate
When you project into the future
You know you never feel that great
I get that it’s your job
To worry and feel sad
But I promise you, Lovely Lyla
It’s really not all that bad“
Mara-Kares suddenly speaks
(She is not amused)
“God she’s such a baby
She ‘acts’ so helpless and bruised
It’s sickening
I hate her
She is such a fucking wimp…
Why does she always have to be
So spineless and limp.”
‘S’elf remains calm
(as our ‘S’elf always does)
She makes space for my internal family
with compassion and love
“Mara-Kares why do you shame Lyla
For simply feeling scared
Could you perhaps step-back
Allow her feelings to be there?”
“I’m fearful I admit
Of her overwhelming emotions
What if she engulfs us
ALL
With her ever-depressing notions
I don’t have the capacity
To deal with her pain
Her wincing and wining
Just drives me insane!”
Self:
“Ok I hear you
Your role has always been
To shame Lyla and belittle her
So that she won’t be seen
But now that I’m here
How does it sound
If I look after Lyla
This time around?
Because all she really needs
Is to be calmed and soothed
To know that she is valued
To know she’s listened to
Mara-Kares:
“OK fair enough
But then what about me?
If you take away my job
Then what will I be?
I’ll have nothing to do
I’ll be unemployed
My whole existence will be
OMG null and void!!!”
‘S’elf:
“Well that’s not true
Or necessarily the case
You have so many skills
That our family can embrace
You are strong
You are resilient
You don’t take any shit…
When the going gets tough
You are the least likely to quit
You recognise emotional danger
The quickest in our family
It’s like you have radar sensors
For incoming catastrophes
So why not simply make
That your new job
Protect our family
But not attack our parts?”
Mara-Kares wasn’t yet
100% convinced
But she backed off Lyla
And the clean-up could commence
Lachelle eventually finished
“We” sat down to meditate
I felt calm and peaceful
In a more relaxed state!
Perhaps one day Lachelle
Will do her job full-time…
But until that day
I’ll continue my conversations
In rhyme