Approximate reading time: 4 min

Oh My God

I am 49 years old!

How did this happen? 😉

It’s been a pretty amazing weekend.

I got really spoilt by my gorgeous flatmates and friends.

(Thank you soooo much guys)

I was reading through my ‘Happy fucking birthday poem‘ that I wrote in 2021. It almost made me laugh…..I definitely wasn’t a happy camper.

This year’s birthday poem is a little more cheerful…I promise.

I think I have forgiven the world.

Years ago I remember having a heated discussion with a then-boyfriend of mine. I will never forget his words…

He said:

“It feels like you expect life to be happy all the time. It’s not. Life is made up of moments of happiness that you just have to grab whenever you can.”

I, of course, was adamant that he was wrong.

There had to be a way that this illusive happiness could stick around a little longer.

In hindsight, I realise that we were both right.

I get it now…life is a roller coaster ride of emotions.

The difference now is the self-loathing that I carried for so long is gone. I still have sad moments/days, I still have times where the world just feels too overwhelming and I want to crawl up into a teeny tiny little ball and hide…..but somewhere in the back of my mind is this calming voice continually reminding me

“This too will pass, nothing is permanent”

I no longer feel like I am stuck in those emotions.

I am more able to process my negative emotions through my poetry….rather than beating myself up for having them.

And as a result, I am more able to grab those happy, blissful moments in life and run with them.

I was thinking this week about my newfound love of country music these last couple of years.

The majority of country songs are love songs.

Beautiful songs about the love, gratitude and adoration of another.

And so, in my 49th year on this planet, I am truly grateful that I am starting to change that for myself.

Every day, I try to remind myself that I need to be my own love song!

And finally, before I go….I just wanted to say thank you to all those people who join me on my journey….I don’t know who most of you are, but I am so grateful for each and every login.

Please remember to be kind to yourself.

A country song to help you remember.

(I am cheesy as shit- I know!

Isn’t it AWESOME 🙂

Written the 8th June 2024

I awoke this morning

Fresh from a dream about you

It feels like years since your energy

Has radiated through

For so many years

(2 decades of my life)

All I dreamed

All I wanted was to be your wife

But it never happened

A mere vision of what I would need

To feel cherished

To feel accepted

To feel safe to be me

And in all of my dreams

Of you through the years

The same thing over again

Always reappeared

You were shut off

So far away

With me watching

With me waiting

Would we finally have our day

The visceral feeling of rejection

I was never enough

I wasn’t what you wanted

I wasn’t worthy of your love

And then last night

We lay tangled

In each others arms

United finally

Underneath the stars

I felt loved

I felt whole

I felt authentically me

I felt valued

I felt precious

I finally felt seen

And I awoke this morning

With a smile on my face

A deep knowing that this feeling

Had NOTHING to do with your embrace

A mere symbol

A reflection

Of how it feels to be

In love with myself

Authentically me

To feel abundance

To feel Joy

To know I am enough

To be filled to the brim

With unconditional love

To be proud of my life

To value what I’ve achieved

Not a cookie-cutter reality

But at least I can breathe

That I wake (most) mornings

Gratitude seeping through my veins

That I have worked through my grief

Healed so much of my shame

That I am surrounded by people

Who love and accept me

Cocooned by their love

My extended family

So, on the eve of this birthday

(Tomorrow I’ll be 49)

I’m awash with peacefulness

Everything will be fine

Finally embracing the road

Less travelled that I see

Just grateful for my journey

And all that it means

Knowing my worth is not measured

By being a wife

I don’t need to have children

To feel valued in life

I don’t need a great Dharma

Or purpose to be real

But I can show up each day

And authentically feel

I can open my heart

I can be undeterred

The good parts

The bad parts

I can share my words

I am loved

I am whole

I am all I was meant to be

Happy to be alive

Grateful to be me