Approximate reading time: 8 min

I will admit for most of my life I have always hated that word ‘Blessed’.

It’s a little bit of a trigger word for me.

(Just a wee, little bit:-)

As a young child, I remember sitting at our dinner table listening to grace being said, something about being ‘thankful for the food and all our other blessings when so many go without!’…..I couldn’t help but feel frustrated and angry at this idea of any God sitting in heaven doling out goodness….

(…..but only to ‘some’ people mind you.)

It almost felt like these so-called ‘blessings’ were God’s reward to us good Christian folk!

I couldn’t get the thought out of my head of some poor child sitting ‘blessingless’ at the other end of the world, (starving), simply because they weren’t Christians…..

What if they had never even heard of Jesus?

Would they be sequestered from God’s blessings for the remainder of their life?

(Clearly my overthinking started at a very young:-)

The whole thing just felt pretty dam unfair to me…..

What loving God would do that?

Then as I got older,

(Around my mid 30’s – when I started to really panic about still being single,

Aaahhhh I remember those days- Bless;-)

I noticed how people so often use the word ‘blessed’ synonymously with the acquisition of worldly possessions, relationships or things that they have achieved in their lifetime.

‘I am so blessed to have a wonderful home/job‘

‘I’m so blessed to have my amazing husband‘

‘I’m so blessed to have my beautiful children.’

THAT little WORD!!!!!

I mean you only have to google the opposite of ‘blessed‘ to know exactly where you stand in the world….

LOOK 15 MORE ROWS PEOPLE!!!!!

Clearly, we single people who hadn’t managed to find a wonderful husband

or have those gorgeous kiddies yet,

or ‘adult successfully’ into our perfect dream career…..

so that we could finally buy our dream house

have wonderful family holidays

and then live happily ever after…..

……we were still waiting, stuck somewhere at the veeeeeeeeery far end of

‘God’s Blessing Queue’.

But I was a good girl!

I lined up and was patient dammit all!!!

You only have to be on Facebook/Instagram for 5 minutes and you will be bombarded by people who have clearly reached the front of God’s Blessing Queue and are so eagerly shouting it from the rooftop,

be it advertently or inadvertently.

(Honestly, it’s one of the reasons I have barely been on either platform for the last two years- who needs the constant reminders.)

Need I say it again, I have never liked that word……

I have come to realise something……

.I was wrong……

My whole perception of the word ‘blessed’ had frankly been a teeny weeny bit screwed up.

Rather than ‘blessing worthy’ being some illusive state that I needed to achieve….

it’s quite simply a feeling that I had to learn to cultivate through gratitude,

through noticing the small things that are constantly around me.

Not the huge things….

SOUNDS LOGICAL ENOUGH!

(Um it only it took me 45 years to figure that one out!)

But here’s the part that I TRULY didn’t understand about both ‘gratitude and blessings‘...and the part that is so often missing when those ‘oh-so-well-meaning-dogooders’ tell you to just be positive and learn to count your blessings….

For years I beat myself up for NOT being more grateful, for always focussing on the negative for holding onto all this resentment because I didn’t have the things that I thought I needed to be happy.

And the truth of the matter was I was just confused.

I thought by having all of those things I could somehow fill the emptiness I felt inside.

What I also didn’t realise was that at that point in time I had very little space left in my heart for gratitude or blessings.

Most of the space was unfortunately already occupied by my very dear friends called

‘Unprocessed Pain/Grief’ and ‘Repressed and Unexpressed anger.’

(Something that is gifted to most perpetually ‘good’ girls and boys of the world!)

And no amount of gratitude journals, vision boards or positive thinking was EVER going to open space up for it…

Only once I stopped minimizing my own pain and started allowing my anger to have a voice did I slowly start to find more space open up for gratitude.

It’s amazing how much easier it was to access this state of gratitude when I wasnt ‘constantly exhausted’ from trying to forcibly push certain parts of myself back down into that huge black basement of my soul.

When I simply allow all the parts of me to sit at the table.

As I stopped watching the clock and started finding more compassion for myself

I started to notice little waves of gratitude washing over me. (every now and then…..;-)

They didn’t last for long at first, but they have very slowly started to expand. These days feeling grateful has definitely become the norm rather than the exception.

(Incidentally, simply noticing how much social media was triggering me and removing myself off it for a while was a HUGE step in self-compassion for myself.)

Truth, I’m never going to be a big spouter of that ‘blessed’ word.

But I am, ever so pleased to report that it no longer causes a spontaneous gagging reflex and an impulsive desire to murder anyone! Which makes me think I might just have been able to make peace with it.

Dare I say it….these days I feel very, very…..

It’s all about reframing really!:-)

(Written on 31s January 2021)

Gratitude

I woke up this morning happiness seeping through my veins.

another dream-drenched night yet only calm and relief remain.

Making coffee I ponder what lures me to this place

That helps ease my anxiety, pulling me into this happier space.

One small word shone brilliantly, like a beacon so very bright!

That powerful little word that reflects so much light.

As I start to consciously notice all that is good in my life

in a world where anger and disconnection are rife.

I get lost so easily, focusing on all that’s wrong.

Every time I do, it’s like hitting a massive gong.

Worry, like sound vibrates; rushes through my hull.

It leaves me constantly shaking a numbness in my skull.

It is never easy to simply stop. ( I’ve tried for years.)

A zillion and one buckets filled with my tears.

To make space, learn to breathe; enjoy my own show.

By starting small a simple flower, a beautiful tree.

So many breathtaking little creations always visible to see.

Or a small child playing, they live without any ploy.

(Children are our biggest teachers on how to cultivate pure joy)

A good friend, someone who embraces you, (faults and all…)

One of our most precious gifts, so often not acknowledged at all.

No money to travel the world; live my wildest dreams (yet)

But I can pay rent, I have had a home, please help me not forget….

80 million asylum seekers have nowhere to even call home.

No country, no house, no basic freedom to simply roam.

I met a man in India, who carved miniature marble rocks.

With the biggest smile, he asked would I come look at his shop?

Which was a handful of ornaments displayed by his feet.

As he sat in the dirt with his family on the street.

He showed me so proudly all he had made.

I took a photo of them to help remind me every day.

Of the utter joy and happiness that emanated from his face.

This man with so little only radiated warmth and grace.

So help me find gratitude in a world with so much lack

Be it the home where I live or the clothes on my back.

Because when I start out small, focusing on what I do possess.

My joy always grows