Anxiety/Depression, Children Tales, Gratitude, Poetry

One Starfish at a Time

I often wonder why simply being a teacher has never been enough for me. 

I have through the years met so many amazing teachers who have dedicated their lives to their vocation. Part of me admires and envies them….

Why have I never been able to just settle and be content?

Of course, I know the answer …

I realise this perpetual ‘not enoughness’ is my childhood wound, that has made it very difficult for me to just settle and be.

In many ways, the continual searching has been part a huge part of my healing process.

I realise that being a hypersensitive person means that I can’t help but notice the cracks in EVERYTHING.

As a result, I then want to fix all the cracks.

It’s exhausting trying to fix the world.

It’s taken me many, many years to realise that

I can’t.

Image by René Schindler from Pixabay

Or maybe it’s as simple as, being a teacher was quite frankly never my dream…. it was my mother’s. As a young girl that’s all she ever wanted to be. She was devastated when her father wouldn’t allow her to finish high school and go to university so that she could fulfil her dream.

When I was young, all I wanted to be was an interior decorator.

I am very aware of how much my mum’s unconscious influence propelled me towards becoming a teacher.

But then,

once I have considered

I can’t help but be in awe of how everything just worked out perfectly.

I absolutely love children.

I can’t imagine what my life would have been like without them for all these years.

Had I settled down in one school for the last 24 years I would never have had the experience of teaching in hundreds of different schools and working with thousands of different kids.

I wouldn’t have had a bird’s eye view of the same problem playing over and over again on repeat.

My utter frustration at the school system, which is so very broken in places,

is ultimately what led me to do my master’s in Attachment Theory.

I am not sure what I am going to do with it when I am finished….

but I love studying it.

*************

I wanted to post these three poems together because they came from a particularly difficult week in 2022. Editing them was a stark reminder of how difficult that year was for me and yet also such a beautiful memento of how much I have grown and healed since then.

My poems have become a way of reminding myself that no matter how stuck or lost I feel, at any given moment, nothing is permanent, everything changes and when the fog clears things always look a little brighter.

Sometimes patience is all you need. 😉

Please Help

Surely there must be

Another way to live

Can this truly be all

That there really is

My anxiety’s all-consuming

 I feel so very stuck

Why can’t I shake these emotions

That grip hold on my gut

This boot on my chest

That won’t go away

The voices that scream

I’m crying randomly

All of the time

It’s a full-time job

Pretending I’m fine

I went to the dentist 

To have a filling redone

I burst into tears

Before she’d even begun

My whole body started shaking

I felt like a fool

I’m continually twitching

It’s like a continual influx

Of a million memories

Every hurt and disappointment

That has ever happened to me

They scorch my soul

Everything feels raw

I’m so desperate for connection

While I still run for the door

I wish I had my answers

 I just wish I actually knew

How to move past this block

Today I was in

One of my favourite schools

 That has slowly been helping me

Release some of my ghouls

(Mostly) friendly staff

Beautiful kids

Who respond so warmly

To any love that you give

But today I was in

The absolute hardest class

 I love them all, truly

But I’m stuck at an impasse

Four children on the spectrum

As of yet no assessments

Have been done on these kids

Granted they are still young

So that’s ok

But it makes for a pretty

Fucking exhausting day

And then there is Myrl

Who’s oppositional defiant

It’s so challenging to keep her

Calm and compliant

I hate to say this really

But I need to get it out

All the teaching assistant does

Is bitch, moan and shout

 Her continual irritation

At EVERYTHING they do

Her snapping and her bitterness

That repeatedly leaks through

I’m trying to “love” her

But FUCK it’s so hard

Especially when she shows them

Such little kind regard

They’re only five years old

Must you get so irritated

Always on the defensive attack

 The children dislike her

They all stay far away

I thought about going to speak

To the headteacher today

Because trying to keep them calm

Trying to help them regulate

Is so fucking difficult

Without the correct support in place

It’s about constantly putting

Tiny, emotional fires out

Mopping up the damage

Of her irritated blowouts

But I felt overwhelmed

Why even bother?

What would be the point

Of even making a proffer?

Nothing EVER changes

It’s impossible to config

The deep damage done in schools

I’m so exhausted

I feel powerless

To truly make a change

Seeing kids so disconnected

Causes physical pain…

I just so desperately long

To avert my eyes and walk away….

Pretend I don’t see it

To not be affected every day

It’s days like these I truly

And honestly

Hate my job

It’s days like this I wish

I could quit

And close up shop

One starfish at a time

Today started out

Even worse than before

I couldn’t sleep last night

Then back in the same school

Beautifully behaved children

The absolute contrast

Of the chaos that’s happening

Across the hall

These children were unbelievable

 I was totally enthralled

But wait!

Wait!

Who turned up the P.A?

Oh my God seriously

How loud is this T.A

Her great booming voice

Cuts right through me

Triggering my senses

Like a bullhorned banshee

My senses were overwrought

As I continually flinched

The sound of her voice

Like an auditory pinch

It took everything I had

Not to burst into tears

I knew at that moment

That my body was caught

In fight and flight mode

Just feeling so distraught

But what can I do

I have to get through the day

It’s not like I could pull her aside

And politely say

Only in that class for an hour

I just needed to make it through

And then one of the little boys

Suddenly burst into tears

He literally started sobbing

As I tried to speak to him

Reassure him, calm him down

“The voice” boomed out

In perfect surround sound

And in my head

I’m dialoguing all of my thoughts

I felt rage

I felt frustration

I felt utter disbelief

That people could be so insensitive

To a child with anxiety

I then in turn felt

My anxiety heightening

Watching this child

Not feeling able to do a thing

My heart started pounding

As I was holding back the tears

All I could think was

And then an hour later

 I was back across the hall

With the lovelies, I’d been teaching

 The manic day before

As I walked through the door

Myrl threw her arms around me

It was such a lovely feeling

Myrl was sitting on the carpet

Myrl was putting up her hand

I felt my chest start

To slowly open and expand

Myrl was the first chosen

For the art activity today

She was beaming

She was happy

She was so eager to engage

I started to feel a warmth

Wash over me

And then when her turn

Of doing art was finally up

Myrl got irritated and angry

And started to disrupt

The other children who were working

Grabbing their paintbrushes away

While stomping her feet

Determined to get her way

I did my best to ignore her

Because this is what she does

She makes demands and starts creating

An almighty fuss

She clearly didn’t like that

So, she started hitting me

Which she dually ignored

With a determined flout

I walked her towards a chair

As she started to scream

While kicking, hitting

And throwing punches at me

I don’t think she has ever

Been put in a time-out

There have never been any consequences

For when Myrl acts out

The last time she had a meltdown

When she didn’t get her way

She left the entire home corner

In complete disarray

She screamed blue murder

She pulled the entire space apart

The headteacher was called

Myrl’s quietly whisked away

To her “calming space”

The head teachers office

Oh, what a treat!

Imagine the joy

So she sits and plays

In this calm sanctuary

Which frankly does nothing

Because when she has calmed down

Myrl is brought back

With a big smile on her face

And a look that says that

And then the whole cycle

Will repeat and re-begin

She’s never expected to apologise

Or clean up her mess

The headteacher once commented:

Yes, I know but you lady

Are condoning her running wild

Sadly, she’s learning nothing

She has no boundaries

All she is learning is:

But at that moment, something snapped

I was simply done condoning this

I didn’t become a teacher

To be physically

Assaulted like this

I had to carry her outside

To a small cornered alcove

Where there was nothing

She could destroy

I stood blocking her escape

 She continued to scream

My heart was breaking

I felt so incredibly mean

At one point she bit me

The little vampire drew blood

As her tantrum escalated

She pushed and she tugged

But I didn’t raise my voice

 I didn’t get mad

I mustered every inch

Of internal calm that I had

A couple of times other adults

Tried to intervene

But I politely thanked them

I said I was OK

Because giving attention

To this behaviour

Does nothing to allay

A tantrum, all it does

Is give them an ‘out’

Myrl simply learns

 I’ll get my way when I shout

I’ll admit I was petrified

What if the head teacher came

She’d be absolutely livid

And whisk Myrl away

But something in my soul

Whispered louder than that fear

Something said

Because at some point in time

This tiny little might

Needs to learn she can’t hurt others

And continually fight

She is acting from a place

From such undeniable pain

She is so filled with anger

Riddled with shame

And when no adults can be present

Without their own fear

She learns that no one is safe

To ever have near

Because when you have all the power

When you have all the control

No 5 -year-old should have

This responsibility to hold

After what seemed like forever

I watched her anger dissipate

Leaving an exhausted child

In an emotional, sobbing state

Who threw her arms around me

Clinging to me for dear life

We stood and hugged for ages

 As time slowly ticked by

As I soothed her gently

I waited for her to pull away

I thanked her for calming down

Was she ready to go play

She nodded; I reminded her

She’d need to clean up her mess

Myrl actually agreed

Which felt like the biggest success

And then the sweetest, loveliest

Child walked back into class

Honestly, she was

The absolute contrast

Of that angry, entitled

Manipulative child

That twenty minutes ago

Was so aggressive and wild

I think this was the first step

In Myrl learning, that with me

I say what I mean

And I stick to my boundaries

I felt prouder than I have

In such a long while

I stuck to my convictions

On what was needed for this child

But the best part

The absolute best part of my entire day

Was how I got to speak to her teacher

And I got to convey

My understanding of attachment

What kids need to feel safe

Its discipline and adults

Who consistently mean what they say

It’s not falling victim to the tantrums

It’s not continually giving in

Simply because their behaviour

Makes you uncomfortable in your skin

And at the end of the day

Her teacher gave me an update

To which I replied:

I gushed!

The teacher was beaming

Grinning from ear to ear

She threw her arms around me

In a hug so genuine and sincere

It was such a beautiful moment

Of connection and delight

And for that briefest of moments

  Life felt simply blissful and bright  

Did I mention I love my job?

 Seriously I do!

Today it felt like

A mini breakthrough

I had a glimpse of my future

Me passing on what I know

Having the courage to share my knowledge

Helping other teachers grow

Seriously there is nothing

More wonderful at all

Than connecting with other humans

Nothing better at all

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

I was at one of those militant

Academy schools today

Where the kids are demanded

To be good and to obey

In an upmarket area

A lovely new school

It should have been a win

But I struggled to connect

To the soul of this school

Autocratic

Regimented

Continually lecturing

The kids about

Which frankly is something

To which I object

Seriously why the fuck

Can’t people see

RESPECT isn’t something

Issued by decree 

So many times I heard

Those poor kids henpecked

I wanted to scream

Each time it was declared

Because respect is earned

It goes both ways

It’s born out of a relationship

At the end of the day

When children feel valued

When you connect with them

When you can see past negative behaviour

Then only then…

Will compassion grow

Will understanding start to bloom

Children will behave better

Our job is to create safety

In this crazy world

A space where children

Feel seen and heard

And yet we still have schools

Yelling at kids

Speaking down to them

Like they don’t exist

Like they are not tiny humans

Who hurt and feel pain

Like they don’t carry

Their own burdens

Or their own inner shame

Demanding Respect

Like it’s some God-given right

But giving none in return

It’s a sorrowful plight

So when I started the day

 I realised pretty fast

These year 2 children

Were going to be a tricky class

I honed in on the difficult ones

 I had my usual chat

I pulled them aside

I reassured them that

I was on their side

We’re gonna have a good day

My goal was to inform their teacher

About how WELL they’d behaved

It always works wonders

So often “these” kids

So rarely hear anything

Remotely positive

One of the girls, Zana

At the back of the class

Was loud

Defiant

A palpable angry mask

With these children, especially

It’s so important to stay

Calm and regulated

Keep your own anger at bay

Because the truth is so often

These kids grow up with so much

Rage and resentment

They can barely stay in touch

With their own inner calm

They are so quick to hate

They shut down

They freeze

They dysregulate

So, while conscious of all this

I am doing my utmost best

To keep the class calm

To minimise the stress

And it was going well

We started the morning

With minimal fuss

And then halfway through the lesson

This random woman appeared

I had no idea who she was

Or why she was there

No introductions were made

Not even a hello

A teaching assistant no doubt

She walked around the classroom

Snapping irritably at the kids

Exasperated and angry

I stayed calm I didn’t let her

Get under my skin

Reminding myself

Where compassion begins

Because I know I’m getting it!

Nothing is personal

It’s not about me

A random tangent

Away from today

I’m currently reading

The “Six-Minute Ex-Ray”

Written by my latest crush

 A man named Chase

But he’s also a leading expert

In Behaviour Analysis

Who teaches skills on how to be

More magnanimous

How we can train ourselves

To look for non-verbal cues

We can get better at reading people

 And the things that they do

His desire to learn this skill

Started when he was a teen

As he struggled in school

With his own social anxiety

His 4 laws of human behaviour

Are what really hit home

Which essentially depict

How we are NEVER alone

I have found these 4 laws

So incredibly helpful

Reminding me to be compassionate

1 . Everyone is suffering

Everyone is insecure

2. Everyone

Absolutely everyone

Is wearing a mask

And the irony

The biggest irony of it all

3. We all pretend we don’t hide

Behind a masked wall

4. Everyone is a product

Of childhood suffering and reward!

So I have found that lately

When I start to feel

Irritated and angry

These 4 points reign me in

They help me reset

They remind me:

So back to my story

I stayed ‘relatively‘ calm

I didn’t react to her anger

Neurotic angel was grinning

I could almost hear her adulating

 Her approval out loud

And then we came to the carpet

To start a new lesson

And I am ashamed to admit

 I had a slight regression

Because out of nowhere

And without

Any forewarn

 Zana was pulled off the carpet

And sat by the wall

For what?

Pray tell

What did this poor child do

To be banished so quickly

To the back of the room?

It was like someone else jumped in

I have to confess

She took control of my mouth

 Like I was possessed

I was met with the angriest

Vilest of glares

When honestly that was NOT

What I had been witnessing

I am so exhausted from watching

These grown-up bullies in class

Who are quite simply reactive

Overly aggressive and harsh

With the slightest of provocations

They jump in and attack!

Are we not trying to teach our children

To be better than that?

Removing a child from the carpet

Sending them out of class

Is honestly always going to be

My very, very last..

Recourse of action

After I have done my utmost best

To try and handle the situation calmly

And get the issue addressed

 And quite frankly up until

That precise point in time

We’d had a pretty good morning

Everything had been fine

I simply repeated my request

Zana came and sat back on the floor

The teaching assistant was

 And stormed out the door

It’s at this point, Neurotic Angel

Was absolutely mortified

She judgingly cried

But I paid her no attention

I didn’t allow her to minimize

Or make me feel shit

I felt proud that I had the courage

To stand up for this child

Who definitely didn’t warrant

Being so harshly exiled

3 minutes later another teacher

Came into the class

She said nothing

Just stood watching

As the time slowly amassed  

And then 5 minutes later

The TA was back once again

With the deputy head teacher in tow

I’m sure she expected to see

An out-of-control class

Rampant misbehaviour

Children swinging from the masts

But everyone was calm

The children were focussed and serene

I tried to continue teaching

At that point in time

 I had 4 adults standing there

Watching me

Assessing me

Frankly, it felt pretty crap

After a couple of long minutes

I’d had enough of that

So, I made a request to the deputy

That we please chat outside

My hands were literally shaking

 I felt like I wanted to cry

But I didn’t

I stood firm

 I simply said

I explained what had happened

How I didn’t think this was cool

Banishing Zana without a warning

Was quite simply cruel

It is pretty obvious that this child

Is on a volatile edge   

Treating her like that

Only deepens the wedge

It fuels her anger

Making her hate school

Is that really the best

That we can do?

I spoke about her obvious lack

Of healthy attachment

Which makes Zana fearful

Volatile and reactant

As I spoke I felt myself

Magically calmed down

I felt myself firmly routed

Confidently to the ground

A voice in my head said

When I finished I was staring

Into the wide-eyed face of the deputy

It became apparent that she wasn’t

Really sure what to say

She seemed a little shell-shocked

By all I was trying to convey

She didn’t seem angry

Just slightly confused

Like she wasn’t really sure

What she was even meant to do

And then she stuttered out

Rather nervously

And in that briefest of seconds

It suddenly dawned on me

With the brightest and clearest

Crystal clarity

She didn’t have a clue

What I was even talking about

All she really wants

Is for the children to sit down

And be quiet

To toe the line

To play their part

To not knock over the schools

‘Outstanding’ apple-cart

And in that flicker of a moment

In that fleeting exchange 

I realised I need to do something

More than complain

Because writing about these experiences

Doesn’t really affect

Genuine change in this world

So, I came home this evening

With my mind made up

Seriously this is it

 I’ve now truly had enough!

I completed and emailed

My Master’s application

With an energy that was intrepid

And positively brazen

So that I can do my masters

 In Attachment Theory

Because absolutely NOTHING

Means more to me

Than helping children feel safe

Seen and attuned

And yes, this problem

Is undeniably HUGE

It’s nothing that will ever

Be solved in my lifetime

But perhaps I can help

So, I am grateful to this TA

For the role that she played

In my realization of this

And for all the other people

Who’ve triggered me so

While signposting this road

As the way forward for me to go

And with this comes the knowing

That if I only ever help but one…

Then surely even that

Is a job well done