Approximate reading time: 27min
I often wonder why simply being a teacher has never been enough for me.
I have through the years met so many amazing teachers who have dedicated their lives to their vocation. Part of me admires and envies them….
Why have I never been able to just settle and be content?
Of course, I know the answer …
(I have had years and years to psychoanalyse myself;-)
I realise this perpetual ‘not enoughness’ is my childhood wound, that has made it very difficult for me to just settle and be.
In many ways, the continual searching has been part a huge part of my healing process.
I realise that being a hypersensitive person means that I can’t help but notice the cracks in EVERYTHING.
As a result, I then want to fix all the cracks.
It’s exhausting trying to fix the world.
It’s taken me many, many years to realise that
I can’t.
Image by René Schindler from Pixabay
Or maybe it’s as simple as, being a teacher was quite frankly never my dream…. it was my mother’s. As a young girl that’s all she ever wanted to be. She was devastated when her father wouldn’t allow her to finish high school and go to university so that she could fulfil her dream.
When I was young, all I wanted to be was an interior decorator.
I am very aware of how much my mum’s unconscious influence propelled me towards becoming a teacher.
But then,
once I have considered
and overanalysed everything–
I can’t help but be in awe of how everything just worked out perfectly.
I absolutely love children.
I can’t imagine what my life would have been like without them for all these years.
Had I settled down in one school for the last 24 years I would never have had the experience of teaching in hundreds of different schools and working with thousands of different kids.
I wouldn’t have had a bird’s eye view of the same problem playing over and over again on repeat.
My utter frustration at the school system, which is so very broken in places,
is ultimately what led me to do my master’s in Attachment Theory.
I am not sure what I am going to do with it when I am finished….
but I love studying it.
*************
I wanted to post these three poems together because they came from a particularly difficult week in 2022. Editing them was a stark reminder of how difficult that year was for me and yet also such a beautiful memento of how much I have grown and healed since then.
My poems have become a way of reminding myself that no matter how stuck or lost I feel, at any given moment, nothing is permanent, everything changes and when the fog clears things always look a little brighter.
Sometimes patience is all you need. 😉
Written the 24th February 2022
Please Help
Surely there must be
Another way to live
Can this truly be all
That there really is
My anxiety’s all-consuming
I feel so very stuck
Why can’t I shake these emotions
That grip hold on my gut
This boot on my chest
That won’t go away
The voices that scream
“It’s here to stay“
I’m crying randomly
All of the time
It’s a full-time job
Pretending I’m fine
I went to the dentist
To have a filling redone
I burst into tears
Before she’d even begun
My whole body started shaking
I felt like a fool
I’m continually twitching
God, please tell me what to do
It’s like a continual influx
Of a million memories
Every hurt and disappointment
That has ever happened to me
They scorch my soul
Everything feels raw
I’m so desperate for connection
While I still run for the door
I wish I had my answers
I just wish I actually knew
How to move past this block
Please tell me what to do
Today I was in
One of my favourite schools
That has slowly been helping me
Release some of my ghouls
(Mostly) friendly staff
Beautiful kids
Who respond so warmly
To any love that you give
But today I was in
The absolute hardest class
I love them all, truly
But I’m stuck at an impasse
Four children on the spectrum
(Well so I predict)
As of yet no assessments
Have been done on these kids
Granted they are still young
So that’s ok
But it makes for a pretty
Fucking exhausting day
And then there is Myrl
Who’s oppositional defiant
It’s so challenging to keep her
Calm and compliant
I hate to say this really
But I need to get it out
All the teaching assistant does
Is bitch, moan and shout
Her continual irritation
At EVERYTHING they do
Her snapping and her bitterness
That repeatedly leaks through
I’m trying to “love” her
But FUCK it’s so hard
Especially when she shows them
Such little kind regard
They’re only five years old
(Could you cut them some bloody slack)
Must you get so irritated
Always on the defensive attack
The children dislike her
They all stay far away
I thought about going to speak
To the headteacher today
Because trying to keep them calm
Trying to help them regulate
Is so fucking difficult
Without the correct support in place
It’s about constantly putting
Tiny, emotional fires out
Mopping up the damage
Of her irritated blowouts
But I felt overwhelmed
Why even bother?
What would be the point
Of even making a proffer?
Nothing EVER changes
It’s impossible to config
The deep damage done in schools
This issue is just too big
I’m so exhausted
I feel powerless
To truly make a change
Seeing kids so disconnected
Causes physical pain…
I just so desperately long
To avert my eyes and walk away….
Pretend I don’t see it
To not be affected every day
It’s days like these I truly
And honestly
Hate my job
It’s days like this I wish
I could quit
And close up shop
Written 25 February 2022
One starfish at a time
Today started out
Even worse than before
I couldn’t sleep last night
(I was up until four)
Then back in the same school
(In the sister reception class)
Beautifully behaved children
The absolute contrast
Of the chaos that’s happening
Across the hall
These children were unbelievable
I was totally enthralled
But wait!
Wait!
Who turned up the P.A?
Oh my God seriously
How loud is this T.A
Her great booming voice
Cuts right through me
Triggering my senses
Like a bullhorned banshee
My senses were overwrought
As I continually flinched
The sound of her voice
Like an auditory pinch
It took everything I had
Not to burst into tears
“I can’t stand being here
This is hurting my ears”
I knew at that moment
That my body was caught
Just feeling so distraught
But what can I do
I have to get through the day
It’s not like I could pull her aside
And politely say
“Please stop talking
You sound like a foghorn
Do have any idea how annoying
That voice is of yours?”
Only in that class for an hour
I just needed to make it through
(Sometimes in life
That’s all you can really do)
And then one of the little boys
(The tiniest, sweetest thing)
Suddenly burst into tears
He literally started sobbing
As I tried to speak to him
Reassure him, calm him down
“The voice” boomed out
In perfect surround sound
“Oh, ignore him
He’s always like that
THAT kid will cry
At the drop of a hat!”
And in my head
I’m dialoguing all of my thoughts
“This poor kid is clearly
Of course
His system is overloaded
He is feeling overwhelmed
He is dysregulated and anxious
And yet he is compelled
To turn up every day
And simply has to put up
With this high level of noise
Which frankly is pretty KUCK!”
I felt rage
I felt frustration
I felt utter disbelief
That people could be so insensitive
To a child with anxiety
I then in turn felt
My anxiety heightening
Watching this child
Not feeling able to do a thing
My heart started pounding
“Please don’t cry”
As I was holding back the tears
All I could think was
“WHY?
Why do I keep doing this
This job is so fucked!
I can’t do this anymore
I have seriously had enough!”
And then an hour later
I was back across the hall
With the lovelies, I’d been teaching
The manic day before
As I walked through the door
Myrl threw her arms around me
It was such a lovely feeling
(I felt myself breathe)
Myrl was sitting on the carpet
Myrl was putting up her hand
I felt my chest start
To slowly open and expand
Myrl was the first chosen
For the art activity today
She was beaming
She was happy
She was so eager to engage
I started to feel a warmth
Wash over me
“You’ve got this
You’ve got this
Look can’t you see”
And then when her turn
Of doing art was finally up
Myrl got irritated and angry
And started to disrupt
The other children who were working
Grabbing their paintbrushes away
While stomping her feet
Determined to get her way
I did my best to ignore her
Because this is what she does
She makes demands and starts creating
An almighty fuss
She clearly didn’t like that
So, she started hitting me
To which I responded “Myrl
I am counting to 3
If you continue hurting me
You’ll need to go on a time-out”
Which she dually ignored
With a determined flout
I walked her towards a chair
As she started to scream
While kicking, hitting
And throwing punches at me
I don’t think she has ever
Been put in a time-out
There have never been any consequences
For when Myrl acts out
The last time she had a meltdown
When she didn’t get her way
She left the entire home corner
In complete disarray
She screamed blue murder
She pulled the entire space apart
(This kid’s mastered her tantrums
down to a fine art)
The headteacher was called
(As is always the case)
Myrl’s quietly whisked away
To her “calming space”
The head teachers office
(Which incidentally is full of toys)
Oh, what a treat!
Imagine the joy
So she sits and plays
In this calm sanctuary
Which frankly does nothing
(As far as I can see)
Because when she has calmed down
Myrl is brought back
With a big smile on her face
And a look that says that
“What fun!
Can you believe
I got away with it again”
And then the whole cycle
Will repeat and re-begin
She’s never expected to apologise
Or clean up her mess
(It’s been a big trigger for me
I have to confess)
The headteacher once commented:
“Shame she is a troubled child”
Yes, I know but you lady
Are condoning her running wild
Sadly, she’s learning nothing
She has no boundaries
All she is learning is:
“I can do as I please!
But at that moment, something snapped
I was simply done condoning this
I didn’t become a teacher
To be physically
Assaulted like this
I had to carry her outside
To a small cornered alcove
Where there was nothing
She could destroy
(No displays on show)
I stood blocking her escape
She continued to scream
My heart was breaking
I felt so incredibly mean
At one point she bit me
The little vampire drew blood
As her tantrum escalated
She pushed and she tugged
But I didn’t raise my voice
I didn’t get mad
I mustered every inch
Of internal calm that I had
A couple of times other adults
Tried to intervene
(Let’s face it nobody likes
To hear a child scream)
But I politely thanked them
I said I was OK
Because giving attention
To this behaviour
Does nothing to allay
A tantrum, all it does
Is give them an ‘out’
Myrl simply learns
I’ll get my way when I shout
I’ll admit I was petrified
What if the head teacher came
She’d be absolutely livid
And whisk Myrl away
But something in my soul
Whispered louder than that fear
Something said
“Be strong
Keep your intentions clear”
Because at some point in time
This tiny little might
Needs to learn she can’t hurt others
And continually fight
She is acting from a place
From such undeniable pain
She is so filled with anger
Riddled with shame
And when no adults can be present
Without their own fear
She learns that no one is safe
To ever have near
Because when you have all the power
When you have all the control
No 5 -year-old should have
This responsibility to hold
After what seemed like forever
I watched her anger dissipate
Leaving an exhausted child
In an emotional, sobbing state
Who threw her arms around me
Clinging to me for dear life
We stood and hugged for ages
As time slowly ticked by
As I soothed her gently
I waited for her to pull away
I thanked her for calming down
Was she ready to go play
She nodded; I reminded her
She’d need to clean up her mess
Myrl actually agreed
Which felt like the biggest success
And then the sweetest, loveliest
Child walked back into class
Honestly, she was
The absolute contrast
Of that angry, entitled
Manipulative child
That twenty minutes ago
Was so aggressive and wild
I think this was the first step
In Myrl learning, that with me
I say what I mean
And I stick to my boundaries
I felt prouder than I have
In such a long while
I stuck to my convictions
On what was needed for this child
But the best part
The absolute best part of my entire day
Was how I got to speak to her teacher
And I got to convey
My understanding of attachment
What kids need to feel safe
Its discipline and adults
Who consistently mean what they say
It’s not falling victim to the tantrums
It’s not continually giving in
Simply because their behaviour
Makes you uncomfortable in your skin
And at the end of the day
Her teacher gave me an update
“I tried it, I tried it!
I didn’t deviate
I asked her to tidy up
And then the tantrum began
I didn’t get angry or irritated
I remain neutral and dead pan
“I stayed outside for 30 minutes
While she kept trying to run
I was sweating from head to toe
It seriously wasn’t fun
But as she kicked me and screamed
I still managed to stay calm
At one point she shouted at me
In absolute alarm
“I’m getting so exhausted
When will you EVER stop?
You are irritating me
I’m getting so hot!”
To which I replied:
“When you are ready to calm down
We can go tidy up
And all of this will be done“
Myrl suddenly relented
She took hold of my hand
And for the rest of the afternoon
It was like she seemed to understand
That I wouldn’t give up
I wouldn’t pass her on
To the headteacher continually
So she could go play and have fun”
“Oh my God”
I gushed!
“I’m so incredibly proud of you
You stood your ground
You didn’t panic
You were consistent and followed through!”
The teacher was beaming
Grinning from ear to ear
She threw her arms around me
In a hug so genuine and sincere
It was such a beautiful moment
Of connection and delight
And for that briefest of moments
Life felt simply blissful and bright
Did I mention I love my job?
Seriously I do!
Today it felt like
A mini breakthrough
I had a glimpse of my future
Me passing on what I know
Having the courage to share my knowledge
Helping other teachers grow
Seriously there is nothing
More wonderful at all
Than connecting with other humans
Nothing better at all
Written 28th of February 2022
R.E.S.P.E.C.T
I was at one of those militant
Academy schools today
Where the kids are demanded
To be good and to obey
In an upmarket area
(West Kensington)
A lovely new school
It should have been a win
But I struggled to connect
To the soul of this school
Autocratic
Regimented
Continually lecturing
The kids about
“Respect”
Which frankly is something
To which I object
Seriously why the fuck
Can’t people see
RESPECT isn’t something
Issued by decree
So many times I heard
Those poor kids henpecked
“You need to show
Your teacher’s respect!”
I wanted to scream
Each time it was declared
“OH my God, can we please
Not even go there!”
Because respect is earned
It goes both ways
It’s born out of a relationship
At the end of the day
When children feel valued
When you connect with them
When you can see past negative behaviour
Then only then…
Will compassion grow
Will understanding start to bloom
Children will behave better
BECAUSE THEY WANT TO
Our job is to create safety
In this crazy world
A space where children
Feel seen and heard
And yet we still have schools
Yelling at kids
Speaking down to them
Like they don’t exist
Like they are not tiny humans
Who hurt and feel pain
Like they don’t carry
Their own burdens
Or their own inner shame
Demanding Respect
Like it’s some God-given right
But giving none in return
It’s a sorrowful plight
So when I started the day
I realised pretty fast
These year 2 children
Were going to be a tricky class
I honed in on the difficult ones
I had my usual chat
I pulled them aside
I reassured them that
I was on their side
We’re gonna have a good day
My goal was to inform their teacher
About how WELL they’d behaved
It always works wonders
So often “these” kids
So rarely hear anything
Remotely positive
One of the girls, Zana
At the back of the class
Was loud
Defiant
A palpable angry mask
With these children, especially
It’s so important to stay
Calm and regulated
Keep your own anger at bay
Because the truth is so often
These kids grow up with so much
Rage and resentment
They can barely stay in touch
With their own inner calm
They are so quick to hate
They shut down
They freeze
They dysregulate
So, while conscious of all this
I am doing my utmost best
To keep the class calm
To minimise the stress
And it was going well
(It honestly was!!!!)
We started the morning
With minimal fuss
And then halfway through the lesson
This random woman appeared
I had no idea who she was
Or why she was there
No introductions were made
Not even a hello
A teaching assistant no doubt
(And so it goes)
She walked around the classroom
Snapping irritably at the kids
Exasperated and angry
“Why can’t you do this?”
I stayed calm I didn’t let her
Get under my skin
Reminding myself
(through gritted teeth)
Where compassion begins
Because I know I’m getting it!
(Oh so slowly)
Nothing is personal
It’s not about me
A random tangent
Away from today
I’m currently reading
The “Six-Minute Ex-Ray”
Written by my latest crush
A man named Chase
But he’s also a leading expert
In Behaviour Analysis
Who teaches skills on how to be
More magnanimous
How we can train ourselves
To look for non-verbal cues
We can get better at reading people
And the things that they do
His desire to learn this skill
Started when he was a teen
As he struggled in school
With his own social anxiety
His 4 laws of human behaviour
Are what really hit home
Which essentially depict
How we are NEVER alone
I have found these 4 laws
So incredibly helpful
Reminding me to be compassionate
(A little less resentful)
1 . Everyone is suffering
Everyone is insecure
(Most of us live in
A perpetual state of disjuncture)
2. Everyone
Absolutely everyone
Is wearing a mask
(That face we present
So we don’t feel outcast)
And the irony
The biggest irony of it all
3. We all pretend we don’t hide
Behind a masked wall
4. Everyone is a product
Of childhood suffering and reward!
(As I’ve been learning in Compassionate inquiry
With the ever-insightful Gabor)
So I have found that lately
When I start to feel
Irritated and angry
(Less than genteel)
These 4 points reign me in
They help me reset
They remind me:
“It’s not personal!
Don’t get upset!”
So back to my story
I stayed ‘relatively‘ calm
I didn’t react to her anger
(I oozed patience and charm)
Neurotic angel was grinning
(Boy was she proud)
I could almost hear her adulating
Her approval out loud
And then we came to the carpet
To start a new lesson
And I am ashamed to admit
I had a slight regression
Because out of nowhere
And without
Any forewarn
Zana was pulled off the carpet
And sat by the wall
For what?
Pray tell
What did this poor child do
To be banished so quickly
To the back of the room?
It was like someone else jumped in
I have to confess
She took control of my mouth
Like I was possessed
“I’m sorry but I don’t want Zana
Sitting over there”
I was met with the angriest
Vilest of glares
“But she was playing the fool
She wasn’t listening”
When honestly that was NOT
What I had been witnessing
I am so exhausted from watching
These grown-up bullies in class
Who are quite simply reactive
Overly aggressive and harsh
With the slightest of provocations
They jump in and attack!
Are we not trying to teach our children
To be better than that?
Removing a child from the carpet
Sending them out of class
Is honestly always going to be
My very, very last..
Recourse of action
After I have done my utmost best
To try and handle the situation calmly
And get the issue addressed
And quite frankly up until
That precise point in time
We’d had a pretty good morning
Everything had been fine
I simply repeated my request
Zana came and sat back on the floor
The teaching assistant was
‘LIVID’
And stormed out the door
It’s at this point, Neurotic Angel
Was absolutely mortified
“You have done it again!”
She judgingly cried
“You’re always pissing people off
What’s wrong with you?
Was that something you truly
Had to go do???”
But I paid her no attention
(Not one little bit)
I didn’t allow her to minimize
Or make me feel shit
I felt proud that I had the courage
To stand up for this child
Who definitely didn’t warrant
Being so harshly exiled
3 minutes later another teacher
Came into the class
She said nothing
Just stood watching
As the time slowly amassed
And then 5 minutes later
The TA was back once again
With the deputy head teacher in tow
(I was ready to be arraigned)
I’m sure she expected to see
An out-of-control class
Rampant misbehaviour
Children swinging from the masts
But everyone was calm
The children were focussed and serene
(Good Lord, imagine that!
It’s almost hard to believe)
I tried to continue teaching
(But I was an anxious wreck!)
At that point in time
I had 4 adults standing there
Watching me
Assessing me
Frankly, it felt pretty crap
After a couple of long minutes
I’d had enough of that
So, I made a request to the deputy
That we please chat outside
My hands were literally shaking
I felt like I wanted to cry
But I didn’t
I stood firm
I simply said
“I’m really feeling uncomfortable
With what’s going on inside there”
I explained what had happened
How I didn’t think this was cool
Banishing Zana without a warning
Was quite simply cruel
It is pretty obvious that this child
Is on a volatile edge
Treating her like that
Only deepens the wedge
It fuels her anger
Making her hate school
Is that really the best
That we can do?
I spoke about her obvious lack
Of healthy attachment
Which makes Zana fearful
Volatile and reactant
As I spoke I felt myself
Magically calmed down
I felt myself firmly routed
Confidently to the ground
A voice in my head said
“You fucking know this shit!
How long have you been studying
And writing about it?”
When I finished I was staring
Into the wide-eyed face of the deputy
(Who honestly didn’t look
a day over thirty-three)
It became apparent that she wasn’t
Really sure what to say
She seemed a little shell-shocked
By all I was trying to convey
She didn’t seem angry
Just slightly confused
Like she wasn’t really sure
What she was even meant to do
And then she stuttered out
Rather nervously
“Discipline in this school
Is a high-priority
We don’t allow children to be silly
Or to Tom Fool”
And in that briefest of seconds
It suddenly dawned on me
With the brightest and clearest
Crystal clarity
She didn’t have a clue
What I was even talking about
All she really wants
Is for the children to sit down
And be quiet
To toe the line
To play their part
To not knock over the schools
‘Outstanding’ apple-cart
And in that flicker of a moment
In that fleeting exchange
I realised I need to do something
More than complain
Because writing about these experiences
(While great for my mental health)
Doesn’t really affect
Genuine change in this world
So, I came home this evening
With my mind made up
Seriously this is it
I’ve now truly had enough!
I completed and emailed
My Master’s application
With an energy that was intrepid
And positively brazen
So that I can do my masters
In Attachment Theory
Because absolutely NOTHING
Means more to me
Than helping children feel safe
Seen and attuned
And yes, this problem
Is undeniably HUGE
It’s nothing that will ever
Be solved in my lifetime
But perhaps I can help
(Or at least I can die trying….)
So, I am grateful to this TA
(Whoever she is)
For the role that she played
In my realization of this
And for all the other people
Who’ve triggered me so
While signposting this road
As the way forward for me to go
And with this comes the knowing
That if I only ever help but one…
Then surely even that
Is a job well done