Approximate reading time: 15min

I love nursery and reception age.

When you are teaching in a good nursery where the children are calm and regulated, where there are clear boundaries as to what is acceptable and not acceptable and where the teachers are firm, but loving it can be a truly lovely experience. There is nothing more beautiful than little people having fun and being creative.

Of course, the opposite can be said as well.

I thought after last week’s disaster the universe would cut me some slack and put me in one of those above-mentioned dream schools.

(They do exist)

I was wrong.

Of course, I can’t blame the universe.

It’s my own fault really.

The school requested me for 3 days of work and I ignored my own self-care rule.

(YES AGAIN!)

“Don’t say yes to more than 1 day’s work in a school you don’t know.”

In my defence, when the job came in the school had offered to boost my pay rate an extra £10  a day and I, soooooooo stupidly bit the bait.

I sold my soul for a £30 increase

(Half of which will be gobbled up by tax)

See, completely my own fault.

Last week I was so proud of myself.

I had 5 consecutive bad days in really difficult schools and I didn’t cry once.

Wahoo I’m growing up!!!

I’m calm!

I’m regulated

I manage difficult days like a PRO!

I am a machine!

On Wednesday night I came home and just fell apart.

(‘Ugly crying’ would be the phrase that best comes to mind.)

I just felt so completely overwhelmed.

It’s the futility of it all.

What are we doing to our children?

I would be mortified if my child spent her days in a nursery like this.

It was one of those dreaded open-planned nurseries that I have written about before. I’d love to know who the first person was that came up with the brilliant idea of putting 48 3-year-olds in one combined space.

They should be taken to a meadow and shot.

(In my humble opinion)

It will be a quick and painless death,  mind you

(Unlike a day in one of these classes.)

So,

48 kids

2 teachers

2 TA’s

and one special need support TA who has to cover um…….roughly

5 SEN children all by herself.

I need to add that this is a woman who has had absolutely no formal SEN training so essentially, all she was there to do was babysit them. It always baffles me how the toughest kids to work with

(SEN children)

are so often put with adults who have no teacher training whatsoever.

The staff, I need to say,  were absolutely lovely.

Kind, caring, ‘heart’ people who clearly love the kids and are absolutely doing their best. Unfortunately, the only thing lacking was discipline and boundaries.

The kids were in charge of that nursery.

At one point I watched one of the TA’s read a story to the children on the carpet while the kids were climbing over each other, talking and pretty much not listening to her at all…and she continued with the story as if nothing was happening. There were 4 boys in that class who did what they wanted during carpet time. They were simply left to run around the class and continue playing with toys

(Even though all the other children had been asked to tidy up)

On querying why more stringent measures weren’t used for them, I was told that doing time out with them never works.

So, the solution is to just let them do what they want.

They don’t have to listen at all?

That’s not a solution….that’s giving up.

I was in the playground with the children on the last day when the deputy head came out to introduce herself to me. She apologised for taking so long to come and say hello and asked me how my time at the school had been. For starters, I need to say, how lovely it was that she even did that. So often being a supply teacher feels like you are a ghost in the hallway. She was open and friendly and I was able to talk honestly to her about how difficult my time had been there. She clearly knew and said that their reception class was even worse. She noted that they had so many behavioural issues in there that they were struggling to find extra support. She shared how they had booked a supply teacher for a week last week, who had 25 years of teaching experience in reception. After spending one day in the class she came and apologised, saying that she would not be able to finish the week out. She offered to speak to the head teacher and tell her all the issues that needed addressing in the class and apparently, she ended up having an hour-long meeting with the head teacher.

All I can say is…that supply teacher….whoever she is…. is my hero.

Of course, I wasn’t the least bit surprised to hear about how much the reception class was struggling….if this was how the children in the nursery were behaving then this behaviour is only going to escalate. These children are only going to become more demanding and entitled.

Do they honestly think 3-year-olds who refuse to listen and kick and screen every time they don’t get their way are going to magically improve as they get older?

Honestly, during my 3 days there it felt like I was trying to carry water with a bucket that was filled with holes. Each time I tried to patch one hole another one appeared.  The last hour of my last day I felt like I went into an emotional shutdown and just let the chaos wash over me. I found it ironic that I so often write about how frustrating it is being in infant classes when there are adults that are too harsh and strict with the kids. I relish kind, gentle teachers who actually like working with children. And yet, here I had spent 3 days with exactly that and the results were abysmal. Care, love and kindness without strong healthy boundaries and discipline is a whole different kettle of fish – and it’s not a kettle I want to swim in.

At the end of the day, the deputy head teacher came back and asked if I would consider coming back next week to help out again.

I very politely declined her offer.  

I must admit, I am feeling a little all over the place these days.

I am not sure if it’s the looming anxiety of starting my master’s research dissertation

(Completion date the 10th of Sept);

or dreaded peri-menopause playing havoc with my emotions

or the even MORE dreaded 50^th birthday that is fast approaching??

But it’s all in the hotpot called my head at the moment.

I am, however, managing to keep a lid on it and the temperature level is on a cool simmer!!

All that being said,

after the last two weeks, I am not sure how much more day-to-day supply teaching I can take.

Maybe, just maybe I need to start looking for something a little more permanent.

(Not full-time, mind you.)

Just 2/3 days a week

I feel like I need to put down some roots.

Just a few….

somewhere….

So, I spent the day today updating my CV and emailing it to all of my agents telling them what I am looking for.

Holding thumbs, please.

Written on the 14^th April 2022

Rachel

Travelling to Rachel

For the easter weekend

So, fill with gratitude

For my beautiful best friend

Who has loved me

Stood by me

Held my hand

Isn’t it funny how the universe

Always seems to have a plan

Because when we first met

(Just over 8 years ago)

I was in a pub listening to the band

Of a colleague, I know

And the lead singer was cute

(In a crazy, manic way)

 I was conscious I had his attention

(If only for that day)

Looking back

(Light dawns)

Why I was always drawn to those types

It’s taken 46 years

To simply understand why

His confidence, his charisma

Pure kryptonite for me

(Oh, I wished I could shine

In the world and be seen)

So when someone so ‘out there’

Would take the time to look

I’d fall for the attention

I’d pretty much be hooked

But all of a sudden like magic

This chick sat next me

The two of us clicked  

Almost instantaneously

In a flutter of delight

 I gushed

” OMG, I like that man!”

Rachel looked at me with a look

So completely deadpan

As she implored

 “I wouldn’t go there

If I was you

Trust me

 I’ve walked that road

And it won’t lead to…

Anything healthy and stable

He is an emotional mess!”

 I suddenly found myself

With a decision to re-access

Do I ignore this complete stranger

And stick with the guy

Or head her warning and say

A very quick goodbye

It was unbelievable how simple

It was to make the choice

(For the first time ever

 I choose myself and not the boy)

And what has blossomed now

For almost a decade

Is a friendship that has been

So beautifully sautéed

Because we are so completely different

And so EXACTLY the same

We share such similar anxieties

That we work through everyday

I love how we have learnt

To simply hold the space

We find time every week

To connect face-to-face

And that time together

Has been more healing than I can say

Regular connection with friends

Is so not valued these days

I smile when I think

About how much we have grown

She stopped smoking before me

(I’ll admit I was thrown)

But it nudged me a little

I felt some jealousy

“What?

You can’t start getting

Healthy without me!!”

And then suddenly Rachel

Made up her her mind to

Immigrate from South Africa

 (I was so incredibly blue)

How could she leave me here

All by myself

My Abandonment issues

Were rampant

(All was not well!!!)

So, I did the only thing

 I could possibly do

I followed her over to London

In hot pursuit

Although after 12 years in that place

I determinedly swore

I would NEVER, EVER go back

 (Of that, I was sure)

And yet 3 years later here I sit

Loving my life in London

Feeling ever so positive

Conquering my demons

One day at a time

Creating a life that is 100% mine

But in hindsight too

I’ve had a positive affect

On Rachel’s life if I look back

(In retrospect)

In the last 2 years

She has started to trust so much more

It’s become easier for her

To hold open the door

Share the parts of herself

She’s needed to hide

So much more connected to her own

Lost inner child

And this transformation has been

So beautiful to observe

As she too finds her voice

And is more eager to be heard

So Rachy my dearest

Dearest of friends

I hope you’ll be there

Till the very, very end

I hope that at 108

We’ll be painting pictures; drinking tea

Trawling through charity shops

Randomly hugging trees

Laughing together

At the craziness of life

(Please know I’ll be following you

Into the afterlife)

Thank you for never judging

(Even though I often do)

When I grow up Rachy

I want to be

Just like you!!!