Approximate reading time: 5 min

Can I just say how amazing it feels to actually be writing and posting regularly again:-)

It’s been an exciting week

One of the guys that I messaged on the dating app actually messaged me back

I was wildly elated.

He is a musician, in his early 50’s, let’s call him Damien.

So, Damien and I exchanged a few friendly messages in the morning and in the evening we moved over to watsap and voice notes.

He had a lovely voice

(Always a bonus)

and we seemed to be getting along well.

He sent me a video of him with his daughter and they both seemed sweet.

I asked him how long he had been divorced.

His response was:

“Well, I am not actually divorced, my wife and I have been separated since 2019.“

He then sent me a voice note saying he hoped this wouldn’t be a problem for me, him not being

“fully divorced”

and all.

(Ummmm well let’s be honest here Damien…… you aren’t even a tiny, weeny, minuscule little bit divorced)

His exact words were:

Now in fairness, I have never been married.

(This we know!)

So, it’s true, I know sweet fuck all about the logistics of going through a divorce.

But

I think even I,

the absolute ignoramus that I am on the topic

can list a couple of pretty good reasons to GET a divorce.

1. You don’t love your partner anymore.
2. You would like to move on with your life.
3. You would like to give your children closure.
4. You would like to give your ex-spouse closure.
5. You would like to give YOURSELF closure.
6. You would like to clear the space and hopefully meet someone new.

A little discourse analysis of Damien’s words reveals quite a significant amount of non-committal going on around the whole idea of even getting a divorce.

While I was processing all of the above I was very conscious of part of me giving myself a calm and rational pep talk.

“Don’t overthink things, Gayle”

“You don’t have to marry the guy, just be friends and see what happens”

“This is your first and only match this week…… beggars can’t be choosy“

REMINDER: You are gonna be 50 next year.

For the love of God, take a chill pill and be cool will you!”

So I listened to the voice in my head and I said nothing.

Damien then had to rush off to cook dinner, but asked if we could chat again later.

To which I responded:

“‘Sure thing!”

While I was making my own dinner I had a little more time to think.

I had this weird Déjà vu feeling that I just couldn’t seem to shake……

Um, of course, I can do cool.

I feel like I have spent most of my life playing different variants of the ‘cool’ chick.

I am a little exhausted from playing the cool chick!

And do you know what the hardest part is?

Knowing that I can’t even blame all the men!!!

They were all perfectly upfront about what they were willing to offer and give in our relationships.

How could I expect any man to value me…when I so clearly wasn’t valuing myself.

The BIG UNANSWERED QUESTION WAS:

What did I want and expect from a relationship?

(Sadly, in my younger years, it didn’t even compute to ask myself that question.)

But now,

I know what I want.

I want someone who is excited to share their whole life with me and who is eager to introduce me to their friends and family.

I want someone who can’t wait to go on holiday with me.

I want someone who has enough emotional EQ to consider how their actions might affect their partner.

I want someone who values me.

But most importantly

As I stood in the kitchen mulling over all of this, I realised that

I have absolutely NO desire to date any man who doesn’t have the gumption to get up, get a divorce and move on with his life.

I have NO desire to be the reason for anyone’s divorce!

I have NO desire to be with any man who is looking for someone to ‘inspire’ him or hold his hand while he pulls the Band-Aid off.

It’s been 5 years!

And I know,

I know,

I know

there are many happily married people out there who met and fell in love with their partners while they were separated!

It happens!

This is by NO MEANS a judgement of those people.

But as long as I still have a choice in the matter,

this is not a road I want to walk down.

I am also by no means unmoved by how painful a divorce must be.

After the death of a loved one, divorce is generally considered the second-highest life stressor.

I have no doubt it’s a bitch!

It’s messy, it’s emotional it’s a grieving process all on its own.

No one wants to go through a divorce….

but sometimes in life,

you just have to bite the bullet and get on with it.

So you can heal.

Call me old-fashioned

but what I want in my life now

is a man who is actually single

and in the business of healing.

So I sent Damien a really kind, respectful message telling him that it was lovely to meet him, that he seemed like a great guy but that I really wasnt comfortable dating someone who was still married. I wished him nothing but the best in his search.

Damien came back saying it was essentially all his wife’s fault that they weren’t divorced and that he probably should push her a bit more because they had been separated for 5 years already.

Yeah, I know dude!

Sort that shit out! 😉