Approximate reading time: 15 min

I have to admit I do love writing about my dating experiences. There is nothing more cathartic than purging all your frustrations onto a piece of paper

(AKA a computer screen)

… it’s like the silver lining to a really shitty day!

But if I am honest, I often have mixed emotions about it…

On the one hand, I feel like every time I have a new ‘experience‘

I learn something

I become stronger

A little more resilient

and ultimately more accepting of myself.

I love sharing my lessons and hope they will help others in the ‘dating jungle‘ feel a little less alone.

I secretly hope that I can inspire others to be a little more resilient,

to not take things personally and to just keep going.

(These are all my very noble and slightly grandiose dreams)

But there is another part of me that worries…..

Why do I keep attracting all this?

Is it my secret love of drama that keeps me stuck in this cycle?

Do I write about all this

because I am single?

Or am I single

because I write about all THIS??????

(Welcome to the inside of a Neurotics head)

I have visions of me being 60 and still ending blog posts with……

I worry about all those people reading my post who are secretly judging me for being too critical.

Yes, I still do.

(Frankly, I’m not sure if I will ever stop worrying about those people.)

But here’s what I am surprisingly not that worried about these days.

I am not worried about standing up for myself.

I am not worried about asking for what I need.

I am not worried about settling for the wrong person simply because I am afraid to be alone.

I might still hate rejection, as much as the next person,

but I am not worried that I won’t survive it.

(Unless of course, we are talking about global rejection on a

MASS VIRAL SCALE!!!!

Frankly that might destroy me.;-)

(But rejection one-person-at-a-time…..I’m getting pretty good at that I think!;-)

The realisation that being happy with myself and who I am is way more important than finding another person has been huge.

So, on that note…;-)

Two weeks ago, I matched up with a guy whom we shall call Edward.

Edward was a giant of a man, 6.5 feet tall,

48 years old, never married, no kids while still being open to them.

He was good-looking and had a decent set of teeth on him.

We know how strongly I feel about good teeth

(The shallow part of me was happy)

Did I mention he was half-South African?

Oh my days how exciting!!!

Edward obviously enjoys writing and it was clear he had put some time and thought into his profile. He also mentioned that he was writing a book which I found rather appealing.

So, we started chatting.

Edward’s first couple of messages were rather lengthy spiels telling me all about himself,

his 3 passports

his 6 siblings

his 18 ‘niblings’

(I had to google that word)

his current hobbies

his current career

the fantasy for his future career

plus the off-grid piece of land he was going to acquire someday in Italy

to grow tomatoes and grapes.

(Which was going to have a pool)

I asked him about his book and he sent me an explanation of its contents. To be fair, I didn’t understand a large junk of what he was saying ….but he had the words “Resilience in the face of adversity” in there and that sounded good enough to me.

After all……am I,

not RESILIENT!!!

He made a point of telling me what ‘a fairly well-adjusted, friendly, intelligent and kind chap’ he was and the only reason he hadn’t yet settled down was that he had been too busy with the adventures of life.

Mmmmm…..

I am going to be honest.. somewhere in the back of my head I heard the faint ring of an alarm bell…anybody who needs to tell me what a good person they are makes me a little bit nervous. But I do realise that my anxious-avoidant heart is very eager to take charge of my dating experiences so I reigned her in and tried to keep my judgement to a minimum….

(Uhumnnn….. I did I promise!!)

We chatted for about 2 days, and during that time Edward inquired about my master’s studies. I told him a little bit about it and mentioned that one of the reasons I got interested in studying it was because of my own attachment strategy….

(AKA anxious-avoidant)

but that I had taken some time out of dating to heal it and that I was working towards an earn-secured attachment.

He seemed to appreciate me sharing this, thanking me for ‘my candour‘ and commending me on “my bravery to reveal the truth honestly”

He then reminded me that he was “a “simple, friendly, open-hearted person just looking for simple affection” and how delighted he was that I had taken the time to work on myself.

(Why thank you, Ed.)

I then got a brief synopsis of how he was lucky enough to be raised by smart strong women aka his mother and his equally impressive stepmother. Including a brief description of their professions and how his original parents met.

I confess, at this point, I was beginning to wonder how much I cared about his general overshare of his entire life’s story…we haven’t even met yet.

But rest assured people,
I STAYED non-judgemental!!!

Because as we ALL know us writers are prolifically over absorbed in our own life story!

(Can I have a thumbs up for at least owning my own shit please!)

I decided on day two to bite the bullet and ask Eddie if he would like to go on a date with me as he seemed none the closer to actually suggesting it himself. I mentioned, as I do, to all men who I meet online, that I have spent too many years messaging men who had no intention of ever meeting up and that this time around I really want to do things differently.

AKA Meet in person

(It’s a novel concept I know!)

Ed replied that as he was new to online dating he did like to ask the basics and get a feel for the person first. He added that he was “impressed with my commitment to keep messaging these men because who has the time to type on the phone for so long?”

(Um Well Ed, I have been messaging you for two days already….and clearly you have lots of time to type on the phone)

Eddie was unfortunately going away for the weekend to visit his godchild so he would be unable to meet up but he reassured me that it wasn’t due to any lack of enthusiasm in wanting to meet me.

(Good to know Ed)

He then suggested that we perhaps organise a time to chat on the phone so that we could hopefully become a little more acquainted.

I responded that a phone call would be lovely and sent him my phone number asking him when would be the best time for him to chat.

Ed conveniently forgot to respond to my question and then proceeded to send me another lengthy waffling monologue about his years living in Durban, the South African girl he fell in love with there, and how hard it was for him to leave all his friends when he came back to the UK. He wistfully noted what a life-changing experience it had been for him and how much he had grown as a person.

Edward.

Um….how to put this politely?

Frankly, I don’t care.

You are, as of yet, still a COMPLETE stranger to me.

For all I know you could be a Nigerian living in France getting ready to fleece me for all the money

I DO NOT have.

I have made it abundantly clear that I am not interested in getting to know any more men via messages….

It’s not a hard concept to understand, is it?

I don’t want another pen pal.

I don’t want yet another man who hides behind the comfort of his screen and is perfectly content with building up a fake pseudo-relationship via messages!

WHY ARE YOU STILL MESSAGING MEEEEEEEEEE??????????

(I admit I was starting to feel a wee little bit triggered…..does it show:-)

Had Edward even read my message where I expressed my apprehension about connections formed on paper?

As far as I am concerned constant chatting without meeting up is a shallow, ineffective and dehumanising way of communicating.

There is quite simply not an INCH of me that is willing to do it any more.

What to do?

What to do?

The ‘non-judgmental- I-don’t-Wanna-be-ALONE- FOREVER’ part of me was still holding on for dear life to our vineyard in Tuscany.

So I decided to nip things in the bud a little and hoped that he would get the subtle message.

I sent him this

I thought it was a pretty neutral, friendly message that would gently highlight the fact that I would like to chat in person.

My response back was this:

Ooooooooooh Eddie!!!

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie!!

Please tell me you didn’t just weaponize something vulnerable that I shared about myself with you.

That was NOT very kind.

I’ll admit I found myself a little blindsided and not really sure how I should respond to that.

…I felt angry and hurt.

In the back of my mind, I had the numerous voices of various online dating coaches/spiritual teachers I have hooked into over the last 20-odd years reminding me not to react.

“Be the bigger person just let those difficult ones go.”

(I have years and years of brainwashing to undo!)

But I had to come to the executive decision that, clearly, I am not THAT self-evolved yet because my ego was not going to take this one lying down.

(Mmmm a little passive-aggressive maybe?

You bet- ya!!! And DAM it felt good!;-)

My compulsion was to delete his profile immediately,

but if I did that could quite possibly mean that he wouldn’t see my message.

So, I was then an anxious wreck waiting to see if he would come back with something nastier.

(We all know that I am the bravest-scaredy cat alive. )

I phoned my friend Michelle to rally a little bit of emotional support and to over-psychoanalyse EVERYTHING.

(As we do!)

I ended up reading her his message about the book that he was writing and she burst out laughing.

“OH my GOD”

she said

“He’s a Doomsday Prepper Gayle!!!”

I was highly confused.

Me:

A what?

Michelle:

“A doomsday prepper Gayle!!!“

(Like clearly this is something I SHOULD know about!)

Michelle:

“He is part of the beans and candle stick brigade!

The man is going to have you canning beans and living in a bunker.

You know what your stomach is like Gayle!

You can’t EAT BEANS!!!!

RUN, RUN, RUN!!!!!!”

I honestly can’t remember the last time I laughed so much.

You know those times when you can barely catch your breath and you have tears in your eyes?

Well, it was like that.

Everyone needs a friend like Michelle when they are feeling down.

Michelle worries that she never knows what to say and she ALWAYS apologises for making me laugh!

I have spent too much of my last 49 years crying over the unkind people of the world.

I am grateful to be at a time in my life where I can start to ‘learn’ to laugh at the absurdity of it all.

Please note that, for me, being more able to see the funny side of life has been a by-product of my own emotional healing. It comes from learning to acknowledge my real feelings

(as horrible as they may be at times)

and not to minimise them. It comes from validating myself. Ironically it feels like the flip side of learning to take myself and my emotions seriously, is that I have subsequently learnt NOT to take everything else so seriously. My frustration is boundless with people who advocate that others need to not be so sensitive and just laugh at the idiots of the world.

It is never that easy.

Many of us who have not grown up with secure attachments need to learn how to not be so sensitive.

How do we learn?

Well, it appears the world is stocked up with difficult, unkind people who are more than happy to help us;-)

For me it’s been a slow painful process,

but it’s getting easier.

These days I am grateful for every single ghosting, every unkind word, every insensitive judgement that has ever been made of me….. because they have all inevitably helped me grow more resilient and emotionally stronger.

I realise so profoundly, at this point in my life, that so much of my childhood wound was created through ‘relationship’.

(Or lack of it)

and the only way, I believe, I am ever going to fully heal is going to be through ‘relationships’ with others.

At the moment it’s the kind, loving, supportive friends I have surrounded myself with these last couple of years …..and one day…when the time is right it will be with a significant other.

And that’s why I will never give up….

Ever

…..Even if I am 60!!!;-)

About 10 minutes into my conversation with Michelle I was deleted by Edward.

(Clearly, he was way better at taking the higher ground than me:-)

Well done Ed!!!!