Approximate reading time: 10min

I hope you are all well:-)

I am happy to report it has been a relatively drama-free week!!

(Yayeeeee me!)

Of course, it has helped that I have been on holiday for a week and have not had to engage much with the general public.

Random VERY IMPORTANT Information:

I have decided that 8 am is my optimal wake-up time!

(All those people with kids are no doubt hating me right now but I feel it is very important that the perks of being childless at this age are

(if only for my own sanity:-)

Mmm….what else can I tell you…..

Oh God, it’s so boring when there is no drama!

All this happiness and calmness really takes some getting used to…..

I mean, this morning, I actually went and did yoga in the garden

’cause

(ummm that almost NEVER happens:-)

Bailey has been as adorable as ever….

I have discovered a little garden that is a bit like a jungle and she absolutely loves it…..

a happier dog you have NEVER seen!

(She doesnt miss poor Dolly one iota of a bit!)

Richard has been away for a couple of weeks and it’s very cute to see how she always runs into his room to look for him….

She has also recently stolen an empty Omega 3 bottle from my desk and I have to say it appears to be true love. She will not leave that thing alone:-)

So I suppose I could say something about the poem below. Honestly, it’s one of those poems I would much rather not post. Editing it was hard and there are numerous parts of me

(Aka Neurotic Angel, Carys, Roxy)

that would quite happily skip right over it and move on to the happier less negative ones.

I feel like I carried around so much anger, bitterness and sadness for such a long time…. and to be finally free from that feels pretty amazing. Nowadays whenever I think of my mother I feel nothing but warmth and gratitude for our journey together.

(It’s funny how when you process the anger all of a sudden the space opens up for fonder, more loving memories.)

So when I arrive at one of ‘these poems‘ the internal groan from my happier, more positive happy parts is a little deafening.

So posting a poem where I was still angry with her feels, on many levels, so wrong and so contradictory to where my headspace is now…

But then there is a stronger part, my own internal mother, and she is a little bit fearsome.

She absolutely refuses to silence any of my angry, rageful, depressing parts.

(AKA Lola, Lyla, Mara-Keres, Morgan, Lyssa)

She knows without a shadow of a doubt I would not be where I am today, had I not learnt to embrace and love all of my parts.

And I wouldn’t have been able to do that without finding a way to express all their negative emotions.

So these poems stay…

because for me they are just as valuable and important as the happy ones.

*************

My master’s assignment, at the moment, is about formulating a plan of care for a family that is experiencing difficulties. One of the assessments that we were given for this family was an Adult Attachment Interview (AAI’S) for both parents. These AAI’s take about an hour and a half to do and they are aimed at gathering information that would help you to assess what type of attachment strategy the individual is using and if they have any unresolved trauma from their past.

It is absolutely fascinating when you learn to listen to the language that individuals use when talking -about their childhood. One of the characteristics of people that predominantly use the A- type strategy is often a refusal/inability to look at or acknowledge any responsibility that their parents might have had to them growing up.

They might acknowledge that their parents got angry and did things they shouldn’t have but they often shift the blame onto themselves.

ie “Oh yeah my dad used to hit me quite a bit when I was younger…but I was a naughty little shit!

The other option is that they live in denial that anything bad ever happened.

More often than not this is a subconscious denial where the individual is not even aware that they are doing this. What is great about the AAI is that it is designed to pick up on the discrepancies between how they describe their parents and the evidence that comes from their childhood memories. It is a lovely tool to begin highlighting for the person, in a subtle way, how everything in their childhood might not have been quite as rosy as they thought it was.

A case in point is the mother in my assignment, let’s call her Belinda. When asked to describe her relationship with her own mother Belinda wax-lyricals on about how wonderful their relationship is and how her mother has always been her best friend.

(Incidentally not much different to the way my own mother described her relationship with my gran.)

Not a hint of negativity can be found.

The relationship is idyllic and wonderful.

But as Belinda progresses slowly through the AAI a very clear picture begins to emerge as to what was really going on for her as a child.

The truth of the matter was that Belinda’s mother struggled with depression and much of the caretaking of Belinda’s younger two sisters fell onto her shoulders. Belinda had learnt, as a child, that because her mother was so depressed it was her job to be happy, help out around the house, and do whatever it was to try and keep her mum less depressed.

Talking about her own sad feelings or emotions was quite frankly never an option.

And this is that strategy that then persisted into adulthood with Belinda being one of those

fun, bubbly, helpful people that seem so happy and positive all the time.

But inside Belinda is struggling…..because she never learnt how to make space for and deal with her negative emotions in a healthy constructive way.

She never learnt that it was OK to angry.

If Belinda had tried to express those emotions as a child she would have run the very high risk of alienating or being rejected by her own mother who was drowning in her own unexpressed negative emotions.

Instead, Belinda learnt at a very young age that if she becomes her mum’s bright, sparkly, happy little girl who helps out as much as possible then her mum is grateful, her mum appreciates her, she is one less thing her mother has to ‘worry about’ and she gains that much-needed connection to her mother that all children crave.

It’s not that Belinda consciously decided to ignore all the negative parts of her childhood on purpose. It was quite frankly necessary for her very survival as a young child.

Unfortunately, those strategies that Belinda has learnt as a child were now being carried over into how she raises her own three daughters. She was determined that she would never be like her own mother and that her children would never see her sad or depressed.

(This is called Pendulum-parenting)

What her children then ended up with was a perpetually happy, pollyanna-like mother who had very little space for her own children to have any negative emotions.

(How could she? She couldn’t even deal with her own!)

Belinda’s language with her kids is peppered with cliched platitudes that null and avoid any real authentic connection or genuine attunement with her kids. Rather than simply being able to sit with and allow their negative emotions she tries to ‘oh so lovingly’ brush them all away. To outsiders, Belinda looks like the perfect mother who adores her children…..and ticks all the boxes for what a good mother ‘should‘ be doing.

All the boxes, except the most important one

And so the cycle continues….

What I love about the AAI is how it gives people a chance to start reflecting on what life was really like for them growing up as a child and sometimes it’s like this penny dropping when they start to see things as they really were

……..(OH MY GOD!!!!!

RANDOM NON-RELATED INTERJECTION

It just suddenly dawned on me, as I am typing this..that my blog has magically fixed itself.

I am no longer driving with blog fog lights on!

Proof that if you leave a problem looooooong enough it will magically fix itself!;-)

Sorry, so where was I?

So I guess the reason I am telling you all this is that it is pretty much my way of justifying why my angry, not-so-positive poems need to stay!

(Yes, there is still a part of me that feels the need to justify – a lot less than I used to these days…..but still a small part:-)

It’s only when we are able to finally look at our family of origin and see our parents objectively for what they truly are

flawed, messy human beings that made mistakes, some consciously and some unconsciously; when we are able to acknowledge and accept how these mistakes hurt us, and how they continue to affect us as adults….

(Aka as our triggers)

…then the journey to healing can begin….

(Well, in my humble opinion of course:-)

Written the 29th July 2021

After a break of 6 weeks

I’m back doing CI

feeling more resilient

(less likely to cry)

Lest we forget

 I now have baby skin

so, I’m raring to go

 excited to begin

My topic of choice

For my session today

is something I’ve been mulling over

since early Friday

Something that I’m conscious

Is such a huge trigger for me

A world full of people

struggling to get by

Who died and made me judge

(The Queen who sits on high)

What is it about me that reacts

in such a strong way

To any sort of fakeness

 that I might see on display

Why can’t I just love

and graciously accept

We all have our own ways

 of being socially inept

Unique individuals

None of us the same

What is it about me

that so easily hooks into blame?

So, at the start of the session

I could own what I did know

Growing up as a child

often felt like a bad show

Two sides of a mother

that I could never seem to fuse

Watching her morph

often left me angry and confused

My perception of my mum

 the ultimate fake

This irritation as a child

I just couldn’t shake

She worked for Mothers Union

for many of those early years

She was passionate about her job

 She genuinely cared

The Christian charity aims

Bringing about change for family life

 nurturing strong relationships

(Helping families get it right…)

promoting peace and reconciliation  

protecting children in the home

Building faith-based communities

Helping people feel less alone

So, our family often felt

like this model on display

“Your family is so wonderful”

so many people used to say

When I was young

 I was confused

how did that match up?

(Because it sure as hell doesn’t feel that wonderful

When you’re close up?)

My perception as a child

was of this fake image she portrayed

Which then turned into a defence mechanism

that still persists today

The slightest reminder that might

link back to her

the slightest inkling that

I might not be seen or heard

my judgment comes up

 in utter disgust

You are just like my mum

and I won’t give you my trust

I was crying again

(dam this course)

As my feelings of anger

were quietly endorsed

I recognised suddenly

that feeling I cannot shake

The overall feeling that I too

 am the biggest fake

This feeling of complete inauthenticity

Or the shame of admitting

I didn’t like my mum growing up

How it keeps me tightly bound

and emotionally stuck

I acknowledged that I write

about all of the grief and pain

But writing my mum was narcissistic

leaves me feeling overloaded with shame

Who are you to judge?

She did her very best

She had her own wounds

Just leave her to rest

But I am still left with this feeling

of sickening inauthenticity

Growing up with narcissism

leaves such a deep hole

(On my lowest of days

I fear it’s marred my soul)

So maybe being able

to finally say those words

getting them out

making myself heard

will lessen the anger and shame in me

 and claim back a small part

of my own authenticity  

*******

This week something interesting

randomly occurred

that so beautifully fits in

with acknowledging these words

My cousin’s daughter had

a school project to do

It was about a family member

that she deeply valued

So, she chose her dearest aunt

 her memories so fond

And she asked me for information

about my dear mum

My initial feelings were exasperation

and displaced rage

(I still can’t even get

my own words on the page)

And pray tell which mother

do you actually want to see?

The one she was with you

or the one she was with me?

But I took a deep breath

and I was able to rationalise

We are all different people

in other people’s eyes

The more I have learnt

the more I have understood

My mother did the absolute BEST

she possibly could

She too, like me

had so many different parts

She had her anger, her frustration

 and a huge caring heart

And what is a narcissist

but someone who carries

the deepest wound

Pain carried from childhood

Their mask becomes their tomb

So, for now I’ll wear my

“Fakeness Queen crown”

simply acknowledge it’s there

don’t let it get me down

One thing that I have learnt

so completely in this course

All we can do is become

 more consciously aware

of when they show up

acknowledge them as simply

“there”

Give them the space to finally be seen

Acknowledge the protection

that they have offered to me

Then my hope is that in time

 I will start to see

Them having less of a significant

hold on over me