Approximate Reading time: 10 min

Written 22nd of April 2021

My first EMDR session

was scheduled for today

I woke up more anxious

 than I care to say

I’m not a morning person

(Understatement of the year)

Sometimes it’s 2pm

before my anxiety disappears

When I’m feeling like this

the walk to school is never fun

My senses overwhelmed

I just wish I could run

If only there was a bus

 going that way

I could quietly sit

the scenery NOT survey

Bury my head in a book

Zone myself out

Allowing me a much needed

sensory time out

But alas that’s not the case

thrust into a bustling street

surrounded by strangers

all treading concrete

Eyes averted

anxious and sad

Why is the world so full

of people who feel bad?

A bus hoots behind me

I jump out of my fucking skin

Take a deep breath

let the air in

I arrive at school

now close to tears

working full time

triggers all of my fears

My worries

 my shame

that people will see through

they’ll realise I’m flawed

there’s really nothing I can do

They’ll see I don’t fit in…

That I don’t belong

That I’ll never be free of this

“I’m broken song!”

Greet the grumpy one

Standing at the front door

I get a muffled grunt

(She hates me I’m sure)

I really shouldn’t care

of course

this I know

famous wise words

but useless when I feel low

I’m twitching like a nut

(it’s psychosomatic for sure)

How long will it take

to leave anxiety at the door?

This morning I had planning

while voices they scream:

“Why is it so exhausting

just to be me?”

My colleague, who is lovely

types faster than I think

Working next to her

often makes my heart sink

She has had my back

so many times

A more agreeable person

you will never find

She is happy

She is calm

I have never seen her stressed

She’s like an energizer bunny

that just doesn’t need rest

“Why do you always

have to compare?”

I hear Neurotic Angel

chide in my ear?

Staring at the screen

so stuck in my head

Consumed by anxiety

a heart full of lead

I made a declaration

to the bloody universe!

I’m fucking done!

I angrily curse

This is the last time

I full time teach

I SWEAR

I don’t have the stamina

to keep all these balls in the air

Do you hear me universe?

Full-time teaching is NOT fun!

I hate planning

a million things still to be done

So glad that this decision

has finally been made

It’s not the school’s fault

Let’s call a spade a spade

It’s me, it’s me

it’s always been me

me and my own bloody insecurities

So, I relax in my chair

I can’t wait to tell my friends

I’ve finally made the decision

my school days are at an end

*********

A few minutes later

a knock at the office door

I look up

it’s the head teacher that I saw

(FYI he’s a super head

overseeing three different schools

Down-to-earth, friendly

and just super cool)

“Gayle may I have a word

privately with you?”

Neurotic angel is shaking

“Oh fuck!

What did you do?”

“Why are you in trouble?”

Who has complained?

(OH, good Lord

Sometimes she drives me insane)

Thank God, Galen stepped in

Helped her to get a grip

Curious how my mind

always goes on THAT trip

I’m consciously aware

Of my inner little girl

so petrified of any criticism

that might unfurl

*********

Back to school…

We found a room to speak…

“I have a spot open

next year for you to teach

I’m aware you have no interest

in a long-term role

But filling my school with teachers

 like you is my goal

School should be fun

filled with happiness”

Universe Fuck it!

Why do you always do this?

When I have in angst,

made my final decision…

You signpost a new road and

derail it with such precision

I watch Neurotic Angel

she is running for the door

YOU have MADE your decision Gayle!

YOU Can’t TAKE THIS ANYMORE!

But the wiser more loving

voice of Galen was clear

“Yes you still have lots to learn

but you can do it all here

Don’t run away

when things get tough…

You have learnt this lesson

you know you are enough

Have compassion for Neurotic Angel

You know why she’s there

She encourages you to run

Only because she cares

There is nothing in this world

You adore more than kids

Your passion for them

skyrockets off the grid

Stay, keep working

on all that triggers you

Please don’t run back

to your safe cocoon“

*********

I want more than anything

to feel emotionally strong

To find my place in the world

to know where I belong

To quieten the voices

(or at least limit their control)

They don’t need to be gone

for me to feel whole

All I need is to be

conscious and aware

Acknowledge them kindly

when they reappear

Yes, I’m forgetful

I hardly ever read my emails

I’m terrible at organising

no eye for details

It feels like my mind freezes

I forget the kid’s names

“Silly Ms Hill”

They lovingly proclaim

“Are the monkeys in your head?

They jokingly inquire

children’s acceptance only leaves you inspired

I get overwhelmed

by all that I cannot do …

but this is the one thing

I do know to be true

My kids adore me

they are happy when I’m around

We laugh so much together

they tell me when they are down

I hear every day

“Ms Hill I love you so much!”

I am constantly bombarded

with affectionate little hugs

Tiny faces with so much

trust and joy…..

Is my number one reason

to stay full-time employed

I can deal with all the rest

I really can

Because the greatest joy I have

is to hold tiny hands

I get to model kindness

To simply be me

Around these beautiful souls

There’s no anxiety

EMDR

My second poem

written today

my EMDR session

ended in utter dismay

The therapist is supposed

to do an intake

Build a plan of the stresses

you might want to shake

I understand the process  

(I’ve done my research)

And yet how is it we somehow

immediately lurched…

right into the session

none of that done at all

Something about his manner

made my skin crawl

You don’t know me

I definitely don’t know you

My anxious avoidant parts

 quietly accrued

I found myself so irritated

by all that he said

(Why do I feel like

a script is being read?)

I felt angry and annoyed

I didn’t feel seen

he barely made eye contact

or looked up at the screen

Is it just me

or does he love the sound of his own voice?

I’m suddenly so confused

Why did I make this choice?

Because he comes highly recommended

the best in his field

But something about him

just doesn’t appeal

My irritation erupted

when he asked me to recall

childhood memories that made me

feel intimidated and small

“Put them in a box”

were his very words.

My internal eyes rolling

(This is for the birds)

I seriously hate all that visualising crap

It might work for others

but I didn’t sign up for that!

I opened my mouth

I just couldn’t go on

I’m internally cringing

this feels so very wrong…

He asked me to just attempt it

give the process a go…

Perhaps this was my defence mechanism

(Mmm…Good point

I know)

So, I closed my eyes

to attempt ‘my task’

Hiding my indifference

under a ‘not-so-good’ mask

Suddenly he declared

“Now all those memories are in that box….

I open my eyes

What the whole fucking lot?

How are all my childhood struggles

now neatly packed away?

You roughly gave me 3.5 seconds

 them all to survey…..

So, NO! Damit

They are not in your stupid box!!

They are still in my bloody head

 (The few that I’ve got)

I had hoped that we could simply

work on what I DO KNOW

Maybe the rest will

naturally, start to flow?

Build up a rapport

actually, get to know me

And why are you asking me

to tap my fucking knees?

“This is the latest version

of EMDR”

he says

“But this isn’t the process

of which I’ve personally read”

“In my experience, this works better

so, this is what I use…..”

OMG

I’m feeling so dam fucking confused!

He is talking AT me again

(Oh, shit I’m zoning out!)

For the amount of money I’m paying

I’m having WAY too much doubt

He suddenly gets frustrated

His irritation is palpable to see  

(I think it’s pretty clear

this wasn’t meant to be)

So, I end the session

I had to go

I couldn’t muster the energy

to even fake this shit show

************

So, once again

I’m now back in the same place

Needing a somatic therapist

to even the race

Dammit all I’m so exhausted

tired to the core

Of always feeling so vulnerable

and emotionally raw…

For the life of me

I don’t really think I can

Go through this process, yet again

After that annoying man!

Sigh

 Maybe EMDR wasn’t meant for me?

And then I had this thought…

(An enlightened epiphany…;-)

Maybe just maybe…

I could start to slowly connect

With my body, because really

no one knows me best

Than me and myself

This much is true…

Perhaps I could learn

slowly what to do?

I’m already reading this book

by Peter Levine…

So perhaps I can be

my own somatic healing queen!

(Of course, it might not work

 I might fall flat on my face

But even that could be interesting

So, watch this space!)