Estimated reading time: 8 min

I feel like 2020 was my wake-up call.

I wrote about my experiences in “The stars are aligning” with much humour and jest but those 5 months were anything but fun for me.

In hindsight, it was like the universe finally decided ENOUGH ALREADY!!

(Oh that one!)

A couple of years ago my therapist, (who incidentally rarely tells me what to do) said something along the lines of:

“You need to find a way to start protecting your heart, and not always trusting so completely in those early initial stages of meeting people”

My indignant, rather naive (Dare I say ‘stupid?’) response back to him went something along the lines of:

“Nooooo!”

“I am not going to change that one really good thing about me.

I will always trust people first…I refuse to go through life NOT trusting people.

As far as I am concerned you will always have my trust until you lose it!“

(FYI: That would have been my inner child Carys speaking!)

(Clearly, some of us need to learn the hard way…..)

Looking back I now realise that there is a big difference between ‘not trusting people‘ and protecting my heart and being cautious. Learning how to be vigilant and taking time to evaluate a person, to decide if this is someone who is actually……

When did I learn that ‘my trust’ had no value?

That it was free to everyone, without discrimination!

And yes they could use and abuse it at their own discretion.

I realized that somewhere along the line, my mind had fused ‘making judgements’ of others with being ‘critical and judgemental‘ of others.

(Which of course, no good girl would ever want to do!)

I really had to take a long hard look at how I always felt it was my responsibility to ‘love’ and ‘accept’ everyone at face value. Like I didn’t have the right to question other people’s motives or intentions without this horrible guilt and shame that came up because I then perceived myself as being judgmental and critical.

I started to wonder why it was I could never allow myself to listen to my own inner voice when it came to assessing people.

Why wasnt I able to tap into my own inner intuition?

That gut sense of knowing and trusting

above all else.

In 2020 this lesson finally started to sink in!

( I would LOVE to be able to say that I actually GOT IT then and there!!!

But alas, I had a couple more drama’s to go through before ‘said’ lesson would cement itself fully!)

I am happy to report, however, that 2022 Gayle……has very much got it cemented!

These days I am a lot more conscious and aware of people and how I feel around them. If I don’t feel comfortable around a person, I am able to recognise it pretty quickly and walk away without the guilt and shame that continually used to tie me down. In the past, I joked with my therapist about how, so often, I would feel like I was struck down with verbal diarrhoea whenever I met someone new.

Sometimes it would be like this out-of-body experience as I’d watch myself ’emotionally vomit’ my entire life story out to them.

Thank God, I definitely DO NOT do that anymore!

(Ummmm except when I am online blogging, of course:-)

While I’m sooooooooo incredibly proud of the fact that I’m able to ‘contain’ myself and be more vigilant around people these days, I feel the need to confess: At times it feels like my ‘trust pendulum’ has swung waaaaaaaaaaaay over to the opposite side and that it might just be a wee little bit stuck!

I find myself struggling quite a bit with feeling hypervigilant when meeting people.

My initial thoughts that seem to be played on repeat whenever I meet someone new are always:

If there is a red flag, I will see it.

If there is a maroon flag I will see it….

If there is a tiny corner of a crimson flag I will see…..

(Sometimes it’s absolutely exhausting!)

Hence I have gone from being a social butterfly who, 10 years ago, simply couldn’t spend a Saturday night alone by herself….

to someone who goes rarely goes out anymore.

(Please note that is not nearly as depressing as it sounds;-)

Who would have thought that I might actually enjoy my own company?

These last two years have been about me finding the time for myself and learning what it is that I like doing.

Simply making peace with being alone.

Learning to embrace my inner introvert!

A ‘cocooning’, of sorts.

I have no doubt that this season will pass and when it does I will be stronger and more resilient because of it.

My hope is that I will be able to be in the world with healthier more robust boundaries and a

Super-keen-razor–sharp-bullshit-detector!

Now doesn’t that sound just awesome!

(Written 29th February 2021)

The nice-cissists

I had a dream

An epiphany of sorts

Something never realised

But recently taught

A large group of children

happily walking

100 or so

laughing and talking

Glowing luminous colours

aura’s so bright

all these kids, sons, and daughters

made of pure light

Truly radiant colours

shone off most

They were carefree, warm

and loving hosts

But what stood out for me

were the blood-red ones

who had bitter grins

and eyes like guns

I sense the anger

their desire to do harm

I wanted to scream, raise the alarm!

What scared me the most

was how normal they seemed

Just walking along

as part of the team

Friendly smiles

adorned their faces

open arms

with loving embraces

I wanted to yell

“Be careful!

Watch your heart….

these damaged souls

will tear you apart!”

But I knew deep inside

it would do no good

My shouts would be in vain

I’d be misunderstood

So, I simply stepped back

Watched these red souls intently

So many of them!!!!

Good Lord there are plenty

The closer I looked

the more I saw

what it was causing

their fatal flaw

These red souls had wounds

so incredibly deep

Huge gushing wounds

I just wanted to weep

So incredibly hurt

at such a young tender age

They had locked their souls

in a gilded cage

To protect themselves

from any more pain

they keep all out

while crying acid rain

I realised at this moment

that they were here to stay

To play their part

in their own, unique way

Perhaps compassion

is all I can gleam?

An understanding of their pain

so very unseen

An awareness to tread light

Their charms to desist

To keep my eyes focused

to simply know they exist