Approximate reading time: 11 min
I have a confession to make….
In my last post I lied….
Well, it was a teeny lie by omission ….
I said last week was “fun but exhausting” ….
Although there were elements of fun to it what I should have actually said was
“last week was emotional, draining and bloody fucking exhausting!”
I apologise.
I didn’t even have the bandwidth left in me to be honest about that….
But never fear I have been over-analysing my evil transgression
A LOT
this past week and have come up with some reasonable justifications.
Are you ready?
- Last week, my lecturer commented that he sometimes feels like this attachment course should come with its own health warning….
I concur!
Luckily for me, I have an amazing therapist so I’ll be ok!
But it is still a bit jarring at times…especially when you are learning about all the unhealthy strategies that people have created in their lives to help them cope and you are then continually hit by the realisation:
2. Ideally last week I could have just posted a poem and been done with it.
My poems are a great way of ‘filling the space’ when my creative juices have all dried up. But unfortunately, the poem that I had been working on the whole week took me almost 2 months to write. It’s a long mother fucker and there is a load of shit in there I would much rather NOT post online….
but seeing as the poem is called “Finding my Words” and not “Swallowing my Words” …. it’s bloody well going up.
(I just couldn’t face it last week…)
3. I have been so happy and anxiety free these last couple of weeks, prior to Bailey’s brutal savaging, that I stopped meditating.
(Who needs to meditate when you are happy?)
Umm….me!!!!
3. I’m petrified of Bailey being attacked again…
I know I wrote that I was going to be strong and brave and not let it get to me ….
but somehow it is a hell of a lot easier to write the words than actually put them into practice.
4. Dolly and Bailey have not been having the best of time together lately.
Dolly being the little sister that she is, is constantly in Bailey’s face trying to play with her. Sometimes it works, and they run around like crazy together and sometimes Bailey grabs Dolly by her fluffy little neck, shakes her like a rag doll and won’t let go.
(It upsets me endlessly that one of my doggie children might be a little bit of a bully!)
Dolly loves the big open green park and can run around off lead, NO problem. Bailey can’t go off lead at all unless she is in the in-fenced dog training park
(Where she was mauled!)
Bailey loves the training park.
There are lots of big dogs that she can run and play rough with….its doggy heaven for her.
Dolly doesn’t really seem to enjoy the dog training park as much…and I often feel like she is a little overwhelmed by all the dogs.
What to do?
What to do?
5. I don’t like Olga.
Olga is another dog walker that is always in the dog training park.
She is probably around 60 + years old and looks a bit like a bag lady.
(Not kind,
I know,
BUT true!)
She is a dog walker to the most beautiful, gentle dog called Sandy who reminds me of the Luck Dragon from that old 1984 movie The Never-Ending Story!
(I love that movie!)
Sandy is the sweetest giant of a dog that just wants love and cuddles.
The first time I met Olga she was attempting to eat her lunch on the bench and Bailey thought this was a wonderful idea and wanted to join her. I did my best to try and extract Bailey from Olga’s lunch bag while apologising profusely!
(That dog is incorrigible when it comes to food.)
From that day on Olga has not liked Bailey and consequently, she has not liked me much either. If her dog Sandy is anywhere near Bailey, and Bailey is jumping up on another person
(as she does ALL the time)
Olga starts screaming at poor Sandy.
I mean absolutely screeching!!
“Noooooo Sandy!
DOWN,
DOWN,
DOWN!!!!!”
Poor Sandy, bless her, is so confused as to why she is the one being yelled at instead of the pesky beagle. To be honest I find the projection of Olga’s anger and irritation toward Bailey to be a little amusing at times. I have met some really cool dog owners in the dog park and they all seem to love Bailey! Even though she might not be the most well-behaved dog in the world- she is adorable nonetheless!
The first 4 or 5 times I met Olga I always attempted to chat and be friendly towards her but after a while, I gave up. As of late, I have pretty much been staying out of her way. If she is at one end of the dog park, I will stay at the other – cause frankly, her energy is just so dam funky at times!
(Who needs the stress.)
The day after Bailey’s malicious mangle I was really anxious about taking her off lead again so I just walked her around the training park first so that she could meet all the other dogs. Unfortunately, that meant I needed to go into Olga’s area.
(The HORROR!)
There was a new owner with a big dog I had never seen before chatting to Olga so I introduced myself while our dogs bonded.
Olga was very happy to inform me that the other dog owner whose dog had assaulted my precious Bailey wasn’t very happy with me.
(Like it was my fault?)
I informed Olga very politely
(with a smidgen of irritation)
that it wasn’t Bailey that had started it in the hopes that that would be the end of the discussion.
Olga’s response was:
“Well her and HER dog have been here MANY times before and they have NEVER had any incidents!”
The fact that Bailey and I have been coming to the dog park for over 4 months and also never had any incidence so far seems to delude Olga.
(And might I add….in the 4 months of us frequenting the training park NOT ONCE have I seen the other lady and her vicious MUTT!)
Indignant, I walked away.
Once I had ascertained that all was safe, and that my precious child wasn’t going to be hurt by any of the dogs present I let Bailey off leash.
It just so happened that that day there was an anxious young couple with their toy pom puppy that was so adorable, so cute and sooooo fluffy.
Dolly seemed to perk up because there was a dog her size to play with but nooooo the puppy wanted to play with Bailey. So she chased it around the training park endlessly while I secretly held my breath! Willing my little doggy child not to do what I knew she was going to do….
but alas,
do it
she did!
She started ‘playing with’ the pup by grabbing her by her fluffy little neck and shaking her until she yelped.
I was mortified!
The puppies’ owners were horrified!
When I finally managed to catch Bailey, rescue the pup and put Bailey’s leash on
(while once again apologising profusely) ….
I could feel Olga’s eyes burning a hole into my back.
I could almost hear her ‘tutting’
“See I told you that dog is danger and a menace to society”
I left the dog training park underneath my very own cloud of shame.
I felt completely frustrated and torn as how to keep both dogs happy and like my “happy-dog-walking-bubble” had been destroyed.
I’ll admit I felt angry and frustrated at Bailey…..
“Urrggg why can’t you be more….be more……
“Dolly-Like?”
I am ashamed to admit it but it felt like all my love for Bailey was gone and like I needed to choose between my two doggy children. If I couldn’t walk them together then one would have to go!
And frankly,
Poppy was going to win that contest!
That of course then made me feel like one of those people that adopt a child and then want to give the child back when he/she doesn’t quite behave the way they want it to.
(This occurs in 3 to 4% of UK adoptions!)
It’s SHOCKING I know!
Neurotic Angel was screaming at me last week:
“How could you even think that?
You have written so much about how you love that dog and now THE FIRST sign of trouble,
you bail?
That is sooooo typical you!”
But my chest ached, I was tearful and anxious and confused as hell.
Being the anxious-avoidant attachment style that I am ….
I am very aware that this is what I do……
I love, love, love….
and then as soon as I hit a problem/conflict, the anxiety starts and I high tale out of there as fast as I can….
I end the relationship so to speak….
because when I end the relationship….
the anxiety goes away….
the constriction in my chest goes away,
I can breathe and I am happy again.
Except this time, I didn’t.
I decided to wait.
I realise from past experience that it’s all to easy to react when I am caught up in this heightened state of anxiety but I also realise that this is a strategy that doesn’t work for me anymore. I don’t want to be continually running away.
Sometimes just giving things a little time is all that is needed.
So, this week I attempted to go much earlier to the training park, in hopes that I could miss the lunchtime run of dogs and, if I’m being completely honest, so that I could give Olga a wide berth!
Bailey and Dolly ran around chasing each other for about 5 minutes which was great and then it started again. As I was attempting in utter frustration to pull Bailey off Dolly who should walk through the gate!
Yep, you guessed it, Olga!!
(I felt like a 5 year old been caught with her hand in the cookie jar!)
As I was dragging Bailey to go get her leash
Olga walked over to speak to me
with absolute delight on her face…….
if she could have been rubbing her hands together gleefully, she would have.
Olga:
“You know the other dog owner had to go and get a tetanus shot after Bailey bit her last week! She showed me the bruise on her leg it was really bad!”
You don’t say Olga
I’m not sure what she expected me to do about it? Apologise profusely that my dog fought back when another dog attacked her?
What I should have said was:
“Let it go Olga!
But this time I didn’t even bother answering her and just left the training park.
I was hit by the very clear realization that no matter where you go, and what you do you will always find these types in the world. The ones who take great joy in your misfortune, who love nothing better than watching you struggle and dialling up your shame when things go wrong.
So, I decided to take my power back from her and not give her the satisfaction any more.
I have consequently stopped going to that dog training park.
There is a smaller one on the other side of the park that hardly anyone ever uses so I go there now. I don’t get to chat with all the lovely friends I have made in the bigger one- but that’s ok!
I remind myself that this is a job, not a social.
Truth be told if it comes down to a choice of having friends and Olga
or
NO friends and NO OLGA
I will take the latter option any day of the week!
Life is too short to hang around toxic people if you have the choice!
I have also started walking around and watching Bailey and Dolly a little closer while they play. I generally find I can tell when Bailey is starting to get a little frustrated with Dolly and I am able to jump in early and separate them. I then leash Bailey and walk around the park with her while Dolly does her free off-leash sprint!
So far it seems to be working!
I have also started meditating and painting again…
another reminder that accessing calm is about keeping up my self-care- even in the good times. Unbelievably Bailey seems to enjoy squeezing on the chair with me for a cuddle and a snooze while I am meditating and stares up at me lovingly until eventually,
she can’t keep her eyes open any more.
She is to adorable for words.
I am very proud to report that the joy is seeping back in I love and adore Bailey once again…. proof that LOVE never really goes away but sometimes life’s emotions fog it out a bit!
It feels amazing to be my happy calm self again.
The marathon poem is going to be posted tomorrow.
NO MORE PROCRASTINATION ALLOWED
It’s like pulling a bandaid off!!!!
ps, I have downloaded 3 separate apps to try and compress this video but NOTHING seems to work. I am not techy, I’m afraid….so you are going to have to minimise your screen to see her royal cuteness. 😉