Approximate reading time: 4min
Written the 4th June 2021
A gorgeous cabin in New Forest
for the weekend
my first holiday EVER
away with my best friend
I should feel happy, excited
to finally be getting away
by the time I boarded the train
I felt nothing but dismay
Completely overwhelmed
drowned by anxiety
OMG
What the fuck’s wrong with me?
I’ve travelled the whole world
ALL by myself ON MY OWN!!
I’m used to being a traveller
that travels alone
Now I’m travelling an hour
and a bit up the road
And I feel like my chest
wants to explode
I had to phone my cuz
(he just lets me cry)
He encourages me to breathe
He never asks why
Sometimes he so beautifully
just holds a space
for all of my emotions
that are so hard to embrace
is what I need to have
Travel Anxiety
is not all that bad
We spoke a bit
I shared some news
My other flatmate, honey
is now leaving too
I love him so much
He is such a great guy
(He needs a bigger room
so I understand why)
But my heart feels broken
I get so exhausted with change
I would just love some consistency
things to stay the same
I counted a while back
how many flatmates through the years
75 flatmates
15 homes have been shared
All I’ve ever wanted is a home
to settle down and feel safe
(Seriously universe
How fucking long do I have to wait?)
46
next week
How can this be?
(That’s four years away from bloody 50!)
Look at me
nothing tangible to show
No husband no kids
that I can support
and watch grow
A heart full of love
so much I can give
I feel so stuck
on the side-lines
watching other people live
It’s so hard to have compassion
and love for myself
when I slip into this
N.E.G.A.T.I.V.E
P.E.S.S.I.M.I.S.T.I.C
self
But I’m feeling a little calmer
so grateful I can write
Share my emotions
when my chest feels tight
As I watch my excitement
it slowly creeps in
I can’t wait to see Rachel
for the whole weekend
So grateful to have finally
found my tribe
People who accept me
I don’t have to hide
No need to put on a brave face
Pretend everything is OK
I can be authentic and real
even if I’m having a bad day