Approximate reading time: 12 min

I am feeling better.

I had a really lovely weekend.

I feel like I am starting to plug back into my old self again.

About 4 months ago I wrote about a new friend that I made at a meetup, Surjay. As co-incidence would have it Surjay actually lives 3 streets away from me. I had no idea he even lived in this area when I was house hunting but I couldn’t be happier to have him so close. On a whim, we decided to go and get something to eat on Friday night and we found a really lovely Thai restaurant just up the road from us. The food was amazing, the company was even better and it just reminded me how grateful I am to have such supportive and caring friends in my life.

I have been waiting a long time to share my learning about the Polyvagal Theory (PVT). I decided, however, that it would be better to stick to the progression of my healing and not jump ahead of myself.

(It’s been hard ya’all!!)

I’m not a patient person.

But finally, I am here and I don’t think it could have come at a more perfect time.

As I have already mentioned

(numerous times)

the last couple of months have been quite emotionally difficult for me.

But throughout this whole period, what has consistently been at the forefront of my mind is everything that I have learnt about the Polyvagal Theory.

The Polyvagal Theory, for me, epitomises the phrase:

Before I go into my explanation of how it works, I need to add a disclaimer.

As excited as I am to share my learning I am also very mindful that there is a lot of criticism of Dr Porges’s work, with some people labelling it a pseudo-science. The arguments range from a lack of scientific evidence to oversimplifying complex emotional reactions.

I wish I could say I have been thoroughly down that rabbit hole but it would be a lie.

In fairness, I did try.

Frankly, I got bored.

Trying to understand different people’s arguments as to why it doesn’t work all got a little confusing.

At the end of the day, I am not a neuroscientist, so I will not even attempt to wade into an argument I have little scientific knowledge about.

All I can say is this.

As a layperson who has embraced and incorporated the understanding of this theory in my life….it has helped me a lot.

I am not going to say it was the magic pill that fixed everything. But it definitely has been a significant piece in my mental health journey…

(So far)

So that’s enough for me.

Seeing my world through a Polyvagal lens has facilitated a huge shift in my healing of childhood trauma and simply understanding my anxiety. I feel that it links up so well with the attachment theory in explaining how co-regulation with our caretakers is such a central aspect of early attachment and the development of us having a healthy nervous system.

As young infants, we begin to internalise a sense of safety, security and trust with our caretakers. Unfortunately, when our carers are struggling with their own unresolved traumas many of them cannot meet our cues that we need to be soothed, comforted and cared for. This, as a result, has a huge effect on infants, making them prone to anxieties relating to perceived threats to their safety and to how they trust and relate to others later on in life.

The first time I was introduced to the Polyvagal theory it just made sense and explained so much of how I had felt most of my life. When I started therapy years ago my main objective was to stop the emotional swinging. I could be happy, connected and embracing life with passion and excitement one day and then completely crashing and shutting down the next.

It was EXHAUSTING and I just wanted it to stop.

Throughout my years of therapy, I began to realise that the ups and downs were a normal part of life, and I started to very slowly build up my emotional resilience. I also started to realise that so many of my shutdown periods weren’t just happening in a vacuum. I began to see how I would so often, unconsciously react, to stuff that was happening around me. Rather than feeling the emotions, and processing what I was feeling I would quite simply feel overwhelmed and shut down….while all the time blaming myself for not being able to stay upbeat and positive all the time.

Self-judgment can be soul-destroying.

By the time I learnt about the PVT, it just so beautifully summarised and explained so much of what I was beginning to understand about myself and how my body reacts in different situations.

Quite simply, it felt like a simple blue-print for my life to help me navigate the ups and downs.

I have this picture stuck on my bedroom door and I clock in with it daily.

One of the things that the Polyvagal theory did for me was explain the power of connection with others.

In a way, I feel like it has brought me full circle back to myself.

I spent the first 30 years of my life drowning in my emotions and then trying to hook into other people to save me from them. In my late 30’s and early 40’s I started to realise how unhealthy that was, especially when I was not particularly picky about who my rescuers were going to be.

My attempt to rectify the situation and become more resilient involved me convincing myself that I needed to become self-reliant and to stop needing people so much.

I swung the pendulum too far to the other side and I missed the point completely.

As humans, we need other people.

The Polyvagal Theory talks a lot about the co-regulation we can get from caring supportive people who are able to be there for you and provide a safe, non-judgmental space for you to just be you.

These are those friends who

• Don’t try to fix you
• Who aren’t continually handing out advice on how you can ‘be’ better or ‘do’ better
• Who see your brokenness and love you despite it
• Who allow you to experience and express all of your emotions
• These friends are the keepers of the faith…..for those days when you are fresh out

But most importantly these are the friends that allow you to do all of the above for them and who are growing and healing with you.

Co-Regulation is a mutual process.

I am so very grateful that I have started to build such a loving and supportive network of friends around me over the last couple of years. It hasn’t always been easy. A couple of years ago my therapist asked me why I always allow my friends to choose me. It was one of those eye-opening moments when I realised how I had been allowing myself to connect and hook into so many unhealthy friendships simply because they liked me.

 These days I know what I want and what I need in a friend.

While I have a significantly smaller friendship circle than I did 10 years ago,

 I feel so much safer and connected with the friendships that I have now.

Dare I say it, I feel like I am starting to trust again…and it feels good. 😉

Written the 18th February 2022

I love learning new things

Writing about them

Putting pen to paper

Seems to help things sink in

The latest of my fetishism will have to be

Dr Stephen Porges’s work

The Polyvagal Theory

I’m not going into the science

(I don’t have a clue)

Which made reading his book

So flippen hard to do

Neurotic Angel went ballistic

Screaming at me

“How dare you read this book

Without a science degree”

But I duly ignored her

I soldiered on

I found some online lectures

That helped me along

And then another book

that was simplified

On how to use the theory

How it is applied

So, thank you Deb Dana

For dumbing it down

For people like me

Who get so easily confound

So, I think I’ve got the basics

 (I’m so proud of me)

 I’m attempting to summarise

It all for you to see

Because I think it’s amazing

It explains so much

About how we can dissociate

How we can completely lose touch

With what’s going on around us

When we are triggered and scared

This theory, I believe

Is something that needs to be shared

It’s a more scientific approach

Of what’s going on inside

When my exiles get triggered

When I need to isolate and hide

It’s this deeper understanding

Of why I don’t feel safe

How my internal family systems

Connect to different states

So, here’s my thesis

(In poetry form)

Slightly plagiarised from Deb Danna

(With ever so much warmth)

When we open our eyes

When we take our first breath

Our tiny, young souls

Embark on a quest

To feel safe in our bodies

Safe in our environments

Feeling safe in relationships

(Which is a basic requirement)

Essentially, we come

To this world wired to connect

Our bodies come armed

To serve and protect

Hence mother nature

Has us all well-prepared 

With a built-in surveillance system

(So, we don’t get insnared)

Our autonomic nervous system

Functions to help keep us alive

Regulating bodily functions

To help us survive

It’s constantly sensing

For safety and risk

Moment to moment it’s asking:

“How safe is this?

 Dr Porges coined

The term  ‘neuroception’

How we differentiate between

What’s safe and life-threatening

And all of this ‘listening’ happens

Way  below

Our level of consciousness

So, we don’t even know

How our body is reacting

To all of these millions of cues

Which in turn affects what we think

What we say

And what we do

How we can get triggered so easily

At even a ‘perceived’ threat

It may not be real

But your body still clocks it

So, visualise your nervous system

As if it were a ladder 

That we climb up and down daily

from happy states to the more sadder. 

Let’s start at the top

Of this autonomic ladder

When we are safe and social

Feeling more connected to one another

Warm, passionate curious

Grounded and at ease

Our Ventral Vagal state is

The optimal place to be

Neuroceptions of safety

Seem to be the norm

We feel hardy within ourselves

More able to weather any storm

Our heart rate is more regulated

Our digestion is good

Our oxytocin increases

We practice better selfcare

(Like we should)

We focus easily on conversations

Our hearing is more intune

We find it easier to tune out

Distracting noise in a room

Ventral Vagal is the best state

That we clearly need to be in

When making important decisions

Or simply communicating

And to me it sounds a lot like

Our ‘S’elf with a capital S

From Internal family Systems

Not bogged down or overwhelmed

By undue stress

Calm and regulated

Just more at home in our skin

Those times in life when ease

Flows through everything

But as always in life

What goes up must come down

Our body picks up neuroceptions

Of danger and unsafety around

We become mobilised for action

(Which is often a good thing)

Ready for fight or flight

We can be angry and confronting

In our Sympathetic state

Our heart rate can increase

As does our Adrenaline

And how fast we breathe

Our ability to relate to others

Open and honestly declines

We can feel impulsive, irritable

Overwhelmed at certain times

And while this state is paramount

For us to get up and ‘do’

All of the things in our day

That we need to get through

Being stuck in this state permanently

When this state is our ‘home’

Leaving us anxious, worried

So often feeling very alone

The third step down the ladder

Our Dorsal Vagal state

Where we completely shut down

We can feel numb and dissociate

Unable to do anything

We feel immobilised

Disconnected, like a zombie

(Please don’t look me in the eyes)

As our heart rate decreases

We feel despair and hopelessness

Shutting ourselves off from the world

Helpless and depressed

A dark space that can often

Leave us drowning in shame

With an increase in endorphins

That numbs out our pain

But sometimes it’s our bodies way

Of taking a step back

Shutting down briefly so we can

Simply get back on track

Healthy Individuals can bounce

Through these different states with relative ease

But people who’ve experienced trauma

Don’t move through these states easily

Instead, they can get stuck mobilised

In chronic fight or flight

Or shut down and depressed

Unable to understand why

But there is beauty that comes

When you start to realise

That there is another way to live

Another way to be alive

There is obviously so much more

That I could say

But I think for now

That’s enough for today…