Approximate reading time: 6 minutes
Written 8th August 2021
I’m still amazed
at the level of calmness in me
It’s a beautiful, incredible
Freeing space to be
My desire to simply share
What’s in my head
Free from the worry
Free from the dread
Of other people’s judgements
What they “might” say
About me sharing my thoughts
And my story this way
For the last two years
I’ve been trying to get it down
Numerous untold stories
In my “unpublished-blogs-ghost-town”
Fear and the voices
Have always held me back
What will people think
if I say that?
But it gnaws at you slowly
From the inside
This tiny gut feeling
I don’t want to hide!
Then finally the bandaid’s gone
It all comes pouring out
You’re left slightly bemused
“What the fuss was about?”
So, I’ve been wondering
What has been
The illusive magic pill?
Getting me to this place
Where I feel so fulfilled
I wish I could pinpoint
And say what it was…
” I got to this point
simply because of..”
7 years of therapy
Becoming a life coach
10 days of Vipassana
(That was no joke!)
Neurobio-feedback that lasted 8 months
The awareness that slowly
Started to come
Journalling my whole life
Through grit and through tears
Starting to authentically write
About my inner fears
No, I think it was the point
I came to truly recognise
The damage being done
By my attachment style
How my ‘insecure attachment’
Meant I so craved getting love
But I had no freakin’ idea
How to get the job done
How this knowledge then triggered
Determination and awareness:
Oh, no wait!
Was it finally…
Quitting cigarettes?
I mean THAT truly had
That I wanted to love my body
As much as I could
That I was worthy of feeling happy
And as healthy as I should
Well then of course
(In the same vein)
Surely cutting out alcohol
Has saved the day
Realising I didn’t want
To consume stimulants and rely
On anything other than myself
To create my happy high
What about all the authors
Of those amazing books
That encouraged me to slow down
And to start taking a look
Relational trauma
Healing the inner child
Oh, the wonderful list of books
I could compile
But no, the antidote
Couldn’t possibly be so mundane
What about finding poetry
And starting to paint?
Surely that alone can be
The answer I seek
As to what it was
That finally saved me
Or perhaps all it was
Was quite simply just grief
Losing three people, I loved
Had a profound effect on me
My dad, Anna and then my mum…
Allowing the grief in
Helped me to succumb
To those feelings and emotions
Of being so utterly alone
Awakened this desperate need
To create my own home
Or those friendships I lost
The ones who walked away
Who shattered my heart
More than I can ever say
The feeling of abandonment
That ripped through my soul
How all this grief spurned me on
To finally feel more whole
Recognising how easily
I sold pieces of my heart
How I gave others the right
to pull it apart
How I was the creator of my own
heartache and my own dismay
Why did I give others the power
To blacken my days
Acknowledging others’ opinions
Had been my blind spot
I had to realise I had value
No matter what!
Or having to acquiesce
To my grief of not being a mum
Accepting the reality
That the chance might never come
But then knowing in my heart
That if that were to be the case
I’d survive
I’d get through
With a smile on my face
So yes, I am certain
Grief was the remedy
That finally turned me
Into the real me
No, in hindsight it’s definitely
finding my tribe
Such an amazing feeling
I just cannot describe
Yes, surely I’d be lost
Without dearest them
Doesn’t everyone deserve
To have awesome supportive friends?
Meditation
Meditation
(Sorry how could I forget!!!)
Yes, I owe you such
A massively huge debt
Studying Compassionate inquiry
Has been life-changing for me
I have shifted so many blocks
Don’t you agree?
(OK OK I hear you)
I learnt to understand you
Created a space in my heart
For all of you to feel safe
like you are being held
I stopped pushing you down
And trying to expel…
Those feelings, those elements
That caused me so much shame
I held out my hand
I said
“Come walk this way
Our journey won’t be easy
There will be twists and turns
Yes, you’ll get hurt
You WILL get burnt
But I want you to know
I will always mother you
You don’t have to make sense
Oh shit I’m so sorry
I can’t name this magic pill
That helped me to climb
My own emotional hill
These days I’m so weary
Of people who try to sell
Anything that promotes
You “finally” being well
“Try this your life will change
In the blink of an eye”
We pour thousands of pounds
Into this quick fix lie
Because I don’t think it’s ever really
Really and truly ONE thing
That gets us to the point
Where we start to grow wings
The pill is ‘the journey’
Made from so many tiny roads
We so often feel exhausted
By our internal load
Rivers we need to swim
Nights in dark caves
Beautiful lush scenery
And huge crashing waves
We are haunted by that question
“Who should I be?
How can I find THE purpose
That is meant for me?”
We get so lost in the dark
Looking for ourselves
And then we remerge again
And all is well
We take a deep breath
We sigh with relief
We remind ourselves that
‘We’ are all that we need
There is no wonderful power
Or knowledge that is new
Just a zillion people finding
Their own unique way
Life is the experiment
Simply being present each day
But remember always
That you are never ever lost
Your answers will come
You will heal your past
Everything you seek
is within your reach
All it really starts with is that
simple belief